Marriage for a woman is one of the important and life-affirming steps, but after the wedding a completely different life begins, full of completely different ideas, joys, problems, one of which may be your mother-in-law. Although this is an optional rule of family life. If you live separately from your husband's parents or if your mother-in-law is a kind and tolerant person who literally dotes on you, you can confidently be called lucky.
If you belong to the category “we live with our mother-in-law” or “monster mother-in-law”, hold on, be strong and stock up on literature on how to make such a life joyful, and not full of daily misunderstandings and scandals.
Type of mother-in-law
Your mother-in-law can be your best friend , because you must admit that she has lived longer than you and has more experience than you. But here it’s a matter of luck; there are sweet and kind women who are happy for their daughter-in-law and are ready to help, not harm. They love their sons, but also want to look after their grandchildren and therefore are not averse to letting their own child leave the family nest for the general well-being. There are rarely problems with them; such mothers are always ready to help and even change the rules in their home, just so that you are happy in your marriage. They only need one approach - attention. Never deprive them of communication with you or your son. She will give you room for action, but will require you to take her into battle. That is, let her understand her significance, importance, irreplaceability as a mother and, in fact, as a mother-in-law.
The second type of mother-in-law is a self-sufficient woman who raised her son almost alone, he is everything to her and therefore she will not tolerate seeing a woman next to him who does not appreciate him, loves him little or does not know what he is allergic to. Often the sons of such mothers love them very much, but they are not necessarily mama’s boys; they simply respect the work that was done so that they could get an education, get on their feet, and go out into the world. This means only one thing - don’t expect your husband’s support if a scandal breaks out. Such a mother-in-law will give you a test drive in the first week of marriage and believe me, you better pass it perfectly. However, you should not give up your position. Show her that you won’t take her son away from her, but don’t slack in terms of “managing” the house, you have no less rights than she does, set boundaries in the first days so as not to find yourself in unfavorable conditions later.
Love? Simply - respect
If you decide to live in your mother-in-law's house, you become a member of her family. Determine for yourself whether your mother-in-law suits you as a person in general? Ask yourself, are you ready to consider your husband’s mother a member of your family? Are you ready to say hello to her every morning, and if possible, friendly? Are you ready to sincerely choose a birthday gift for her? Are you ready not to share her son with her? If internally you view her as an “extra” person, as an obstacle to your family happiness, your imaginary idyll is under threat. Weigh everything wisely, even before the wedding.
Rules of the new family
First of all, when joining your husband’s family, remember that you will have to face a completely different world . And even if you already know each other and communicate often. After all, people at home and away are very different. But what to do? Strange things like joint or separate dinners, regular guests, complete silence during naps, or God knows what other rules that can drive the most peace-loving person crazy, will be present in the husband’s family, but this is not the end of the world if you know how to adapt to them correctly .
No one deprives you of your essence, principles, interests and everything else that you need for daily comfort. You just may have to bend your rules a little by organizing them within your personal room. In the rest of the apartment or house, the mother-in-law’s rules will still apply, because, don’t forget, you are on her territory.
The rules that are now common to you will not disappear anywhere; you cannot just come and point out to the new family their “mistakes” in planning weekends or weekdays, but perhaps you can bring something new that they will also like. Don’t be shy or afraid to offer, in any industry: washing, cooking, walking, cleaning, and so on. In this way, you will not change the rules, but you will make them more acceptable to yourself.
Agree on responsibilities
If you live with her, then immediately ask how to help her, what household responsibilities to take on, and so on. The key word is “immediately”. Believe me, it’s much easier to find out everything on the shore and clean the toilet and bathtub once a week than to listen to reproaches later that you live like in a boarding house and don’t know grief, but she’s lost her feet with all this cleaning and cries every evening. If you live with you, then again, gently indicate what you need help with. For example, in cooking or helping with a child - so as not to one day turn into a grumpy, twitchy girl.
Acceptable limits
A new family, whatever it may be, should not influence or change your own habits and desires. If you like to eat in front of the TV, have fun snacks; if you don’t like cutlets, cook something else, your mother-in-law will be obliged to understand and accept your world, just as you accept hers. In other words, when you arrive at your new home, specifically set boundaries that your mother-in-law should not cross: knock on the door, not cook with foods to which you are allergic, or at least warn about this so that you are not left without dinner.
also important to separate your personal space - your room with your husband is your territory, a small world, a home. The main thing is that your mother-in-law understands this and does not surprise you by sorting out your laundry early in the morning in your room before you wake up, because she needs to do the laundry. Be specific about what you will not put up with, make a list if necessary, but not in an aggressive manner. Sit down together at the table and just talk about how you can live together, what rules you need to follow and what you would like your mother-in-law to follow, even down to cooking borscht, if you have a favorite family recipe that you don’t want to change or forget under the influence of your mother-in-law's advice.
Is it worth living with your mother-in-law?
For some couples, the choice of whether to live with their mother-in-law is not worth it in principle. They simply have no other options. This usually happens when young spouses have not yet managed to get on their feet and gain financial independence.
Sometimes a woman is faced with the question of whether it is worth living with her mother-in-law, despite the fact that it is possible to live separately. Undoubtedly, living together with your husband’s mother has its advantages. In particular, these are:
- Help with children. If the mother-in-law does not work and is happy about her grandchildren, she will be happy to help a young mother with her children;
- Budget savings. You can chip in on groceries and utility bills. This will leave more money for personal needs and expenses;
- Easier to run a household. You can agree with your mother-in-law and take turns cooking. Cleaning the apartment will happen faster, as it is easy to share responsibilities around the house;
- The husband has the opportunity to constantly communicate with his mother, and the daughter-in-law will never be bored alone.
All these points are possible only if both the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law have an easy character and they get along well with each other. However, even in this case, when deciding whether to live with your mother-in-law, it is worth remembering that it is best to simply visit each other more often. Thus, if a young family has the opportunity to live separately, it would be wiser to take advantage of it.
Time for distraction and reflection
Just because you're married doesn't give you the right to enjoy life without doing anything other than housework. Even if this is the hardest work, thankless, endless, tedious, you will definitely quickly go crazy with your mother-in-law, who will try to attach you to some kind of work in order to keep your hands busy.
Work or a hobby will help not only to avoid unnecessary and unnecessary communication, but also to relieve stress, avoid most quarrels, improve yourself and earn the respect of others, including your mother-in-law. Do not give up interests and work or leisure, because the mother-in-law may take over the reins at this time. On the contrary, while you are working, she and your husband will notice your other side, your hard work, love for work and care for family and home.
How to live with your mother-in-law if the apartment is yours
Sometimes circumstances are such that your husband’s mother has to live with you for some time. This may be due to her health problems and poor health or other reasons. In this case, the daughter-in-law’s tactics on how to live with her mother-in-law in the same apartment will be different. Here it is important to show your husband’s mother that you are the owner of the apartment and despite the fact that you are younger, you will also set the rules.
However, you should not oppress your mother-in-law and make her life unbearable. Try to respect her wishes and compromise. The following tips on how to live with your mother-in-law in your apartment will greatly simplify your life together:
- Tell your mother-in-law about the rules in your house, about what is categorically unacceptable for you. Emphasize that while she lives with you, she will have to adapt to them;
- Give your husband's mother some personal space. Let her do what she wants in her room;
- Discuss household responsibilities. If it's easier for you to clean the house yourself, ask your mother-in-law not to disturb you. She can tidy up her room if she wants to. The same goes for cooking;
- Think beyond yourself. For example, when you invite guests into your house who make noise and walk around until the morning. Respect your mother-in-law's right to sleep and rest;
- Don’t swear out of nowhere, constantly reproaching your mother-in-law that she’s a nobody here and you can kick her out. Try to resolve conflicts peacefully.
Thus, tips on how to live with your mother-in-law on your territory include the need to let her know that you are the mistress of the house. At the same time, it is important to find a line and not unnecessarily oppress your husband’s mother.
Since not many people can live with their mother-in-law in the same apartment without arguing, it is better to look for alternative options. For example, rent or buy an apartment in a neighboring or even in the same building. If there is no escape from the need to live together, try to respect each other and compromise.
Author: Olga Vasilyeva. Photo: Instagram, StarTikTok, YouTube. If you are the author of one of the photos and do not agree with its publication, contact the administration and we will correct the error.
Remember the main thing
Your husband and your children are like family to her. If you live with your husband's parents, then the only stranger in the house for her is you. There’s nothing personal here, it’s just a program that has been worked out for centuries. Remember that old joke?
My daughter is lucky; she has a caring husband who cooks breakfast for her. And my son got a bitch for his wife - she can’t even make him breakfast, she does it all herself!
The most unpleasant thing is that it can start dripping onto your husband’s brain, which is fraught with unpleasant moments and debriefings up to “choose: me or her!” Again, nothing personal here - her son is a wonderful baby, and you are some kind of incomprehensible, strange woman. She sees you as a rival and tries with all her might to win. She just often fights with herself and doesn’t understand it, no matter how you look at it.
I will repay, or history repeats itself
Every woman first has the status of a daughter-in-law and suffers from the oppression of her mother-in-law. Then she herself becomes a mother-in-law. It would seem that a woman should remember her suffering, draw conclusions and say to herself: I suffered from my mother-in-law, now I will not oppress the innocent girl who married my son, and I will not cause her suffering. No! This is not happening! A woman, moving from the status of daughter-in-law to the status of mother-in-law, seems to say to herself: well, now you will answer for my suffering. She rolls up her sleeves and, with increased force, begins to do to her daughter-in-law what her mother-in-law once did to her.
Why is this happening? The explanation is obvious: the entire existence of man is built on competition. Men fight for territory, for power, for markets, for women. Well, women - women fight for men. In the rivalry between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, non-contact battles predominate, although sometimes they are fought in such a way that scraps fly through the back streets.
A mother-in-law is always neither a friend nor an enemy, but a rival.
We take it as a basis that you have found a good mother-in-law. She tells her daughter-in-law that she is always on her side and, like a woman, she will always understand and support her. Don't believe it! In the most critical moments, the mother-in-law will always take the side of her son, because he is her blood, flesh of her flesh. In relations with your mother-in-law, you should always be on your guard, never relax and keep a reasonable distance. It is ideal to live as far away from your mother-in-law as possible. Best of all - in another city. But this condition, unfortunately, is rarely met, so I propose some rules that will help maintain a comfortable relationship with your mother-in-law.
How not to offend your husband
Many are stopped by the fear that the husband will take a refusal to communicate with his mother-in-law as a personal insult. Then think about this example.
Let's say my husband has a close friend from school. But he allows himself:
- drop in on a visit without warning;
- call at 2 am and say that his light bulb has burned out;
- loudly sort things out or swear in the presence of your children;
- to unceremoniously climb into your refrigerator and generally behave at home;
- criticize your decisions and speak disparagingly about you in front of your children.
Will you tolerate him and turn a blind eye to his rudeness? Sit silently in a corner while he humiliates you? And all so that the husband does not get offended?
Attention, important question: whose well-being should be more important to your husband? A friend, albeit a close one, or his own family? You and your children are his main responsibility. His main concern. At least that's how it should be.
Now compare the example and relationship with your mother-in-law. Calmly and objectively explain to your husband why you personally do not want to support this format of communication.
The arguments could be:
- Your task as a wife and mother is to create a healthy atmosphere in your own family. You have the right to live in a comfortable environment where friendly, considerate, intelligent and ethical people are preferred. Those with whom it is pleasant, useful and interesting to communicate. If for some reason your mother-in-law is not included in the circle of such people, it is your duty to distance yourself. Protect your family.
- You don't force him to communicate with your mother, and he should not force you to communicate with his mother. Share your relationship with your parents. “Your mother is your mother, you communicate with her, and I will mind my own business.” Perhaps the husband will even be happy with such freedom. After all, at any moment he can refuse to go to his mother-in-law. Spend time somehow differently.
- Your peace of mind. Does he need a calm, loving, caring woman next to him? Or a vixen who breaks down for any reason? When your mother-in-law bullies you for 3 hours and you are forced to endure it, it’s not surprising to lose your composure.
- A worthy example for children. Even if the husband is ready to turn a blind eye to humiliating criticism of his mother, this cannot be hidden from the children. Firstly, they lose respect for their mother. If grandma behaves like this, then they can do it too. Secondly, they lose respect for dad, who is obliged to protect his wife. Even from my own mother. And in the future they can copy this scenario in their family.
Talk to her
It is better to discuss any problems, misunderstandings, or sensitive issues immediately, without putting them on the back burner and preventing dissatisfaction and irritation from accumulating. If she’s annoyed that you’ve never cooked anything more complicated than pasta, and you’re simply afraid to go near her stove and thereby cause her an unbearable insult, then it would be good for you to talk about it and agree once and for all that she’ll let you in. kitchen, and you’re not afraid to ask where she hides the salt.
