Third stage. Should there be a divorce?
During this difficult time, the problems get worse, the relationship consists only of scandals and quarrels, the husband appears at home less and less. Many couples cannot withstand the onslaught of life's troubles and get divorced. Typically, a breakup occurs between spouses 10 years after the wedding, and old feelings fade away.
It is very important to talk with your spouse; you need to understand that we have gone through a lot together and it is stupid to separate. Another person will not change anything, the problems will remain the same, so why change the woman who once won your heart for someone unknown. All failures in family relationships must be experienced together and turned into advantages. One of the spouses may have to make concessions to the first. The important thing here is to save the marriage and not think about who will remain on the extreme side.
In such difficult circumstances, you need to try to spend time together, remember previous happy moments, then the feelings may return.
How to keep peace in the family
If you have noticed, stronger marriages are found among calm people, with a loyal attitude towards others. They are more tolerant of other people's weaknesses and do not deny their own imperfections. A self-respecting person recognizes his lover’s right to individuality and does not impose his desires on him. With this attitude towards your partner, you can live in harmony even if, apart from mutual feelings, nothing else unites you.
You don't have to be the same
If there are no common interests, and attempts to find them have not been successful, it’s time to stop. Your actions should be aimed at finding comfort, and not at creating the appearance of an ideal family. Each person has his own type of temperament, and if a struggle for power begins in the house, it is important to understand that one of the spouses will be morally suppressed as a result, and the second, the dominant one, will lose the trust of the other half thanks to his “victory.”
Very often you can find a union between an introvert and an extrovert, that is, a marriage between a homebody and a sociable person. If neither of them insists on relaxing together, each of this couple will be comfortable, but if one of them manages to subjugate the other to his will, both can only sympathize.
Advice from elders is often harmful
Many parents consider themselves to have the right to interfere in the lives of their children even after they get married, but acting for the good, they often cause harm to the newlyweds’ relationship. Even if the family, for example the bride, was exemplary by the standards of that time, the girl should not adopt the model of the relationship between her father and mother. Her parents lived completely differently, met under different circumstances, and differ in character from her and her chosen one. Any situation is individual, so someone else’s experience can give some clues, but will not become a template for the relationship of young spouses.
Don't demand too much
Dictating terms and setting ultimatums is much easier than seeking compromises. Emotional blackmail, oddly enough, sometimes works, but it does not add love and understanding to the couple. If your demands are not determined by common sense (when, for example, we are talking about a dangerous occupation of a loved one), but by your desire to remake this person in your own way, you risk creating such psychological tension in the house that will completely ruin your relationship with your spouse.
By accepting your husband as he is, you maintain peace in the house and protect your nervous system. This is not about permissiveness and disrespectful attitude on his part towards you, but about his lifestyle in general. You may not be delighted with his friends, habits and main activity, but if all this does not harm your relationship in any way, then why quarrel?
If the cause of the conflicts is serious enough, try to mentally highlight your husband's biggest shortcoming, and then remember his strengths. It’s surprising, but a person’s positive qualities are often expressed in the absence of negative ones. For some, they manifest themselves in a tolerant attitude towards their wife, whose character leaves much to be desired, for others - in the ability to give the woman they love stability and a quiet life, for others - in the absence of the desire to flirt with the entire female population...
Another level of intimacy
When you get married, the physical part of your relationship changes significantly.
This does not mean that your feelings will skyrocket again or, conversely, that intimate relationships will become boring. The fact is that the very nature of marriage is such that it enhances the intimacy of the spouses. When you make love after marriage, you feel with excitement that this is for life. You vowed to each other to be together.
Now you have no fear of waking up and feeling alone. You automatically become more confident.
Weekend fun just got duller
What happened before: exhibitions, cinema, night walks, clubs, theaters, skating rinks, galleries, bars, restaurants, cafes, overnight stays with friends, dates on the roof of a house.
What now: bed, computer, TV, home delivery of food. Where's the diversity? Try to regain your former desire to be in society. If you constantly spend all your free time at home, you are unlikely to be able to keep the fire in your relationship.
The second stage is identity disclosure
At the second stage, very often people learn something new about their beloved, most often these are negative traits. A man already knows that his wife doesn’t look as flawless in the morning as she does in the afternoon with a decent layer of makeup, that her eyelashes and hair might be false, and to keep her legs always smooth, she has to shave them every day. In addition, hidden complexes of a woman appear, which she hid so carefully, such as an imperfect figure, fear of gaining extra pounds, and so on.
But many of the husband’s secrets are also revealed to the wife. She understands that for him, spending the weekend in front of the TV is more comfortable than going somewhere, that he is sloppy, his socks are everywhere, he smells of sweat, he does not like guests, and especially her girlfriends, taking out the trash is a great problem for him.
If a child appears at this stage, then the relationship is only worsened by the fact that the woman loses her former attractiveness. They don’t sleep at night, they have to forget about sex for a long time, because they don’t even have the strength for it. At the same time, the child’s constant crying, the woman’s nervousness and irritability due to hormonal imbalances and fatigue. At this time, all romance and passion disappears. Living together becomes unbearable.
As the psychology of family life says, it is extremely rare for a man at this stage of a relationship to turn a blind eye to everything. And also, not to notice his wife’s hysterics, but will begin to carry her in his arms and confess his love. More likely, the opposite will happen: the stronger sex will break under the burden of everyday life, and if they do not leave the woman and the child, then it will be too late to come home, and they will often be late at work.
During this period, it is very important to support each other. You need to understand that the most important thing now is the child. As soon as he grows up, harmony in the family, as a rule, returns to normal.
You cannot run away from problems that have arisen; this will only make the situation worse. All difficulties are temporary, so you need to be patient and do what is necessary. If the woman you love begins to irritate you because she has lost her attractiveness, then you just need to help her with the child so that she finds time for herself. The lack of romance and past passion should not interfere with relationships at this time. It is important to view such changes as absolutely normal.
The best way out of such a difficult period is considered to be diversity in family life. You can leave your child with grandma and go for a walk around the city at night or go out into the world. A woman can try to change her image, dress as attractively as possible, despite the deterioration of her body.
Where does romance go?
From a scientific point of view, falling in love is a biochemical process in the body during which a person’s behavior changes as follows:
- Heart rate increases;
- A person is thrown into heat and cold;
- Partial loss of appetite;
- There is a feeling of flight and a desire to “move mountains”;
- A person becomes distracted and finds it difficult to concentrate on anything;
- Tolerance towards people appears, irritability disappears;
- Hidden talents awaken;
- A person begins to perform actions that are unusual for him.
It is impossible to constantly be at the peak of emotions, and if the feeling of love grows into something more, the couple becomes truly happy. Passion subsides over the years, but not for the reason that your loved one has become less dear to you. The emotional outbursts that accompany falling in love lead to an acceleration of the work of many body systems, and a person experiences a surge of strength due to an increased amount of joy hormones. At the same time, he feels cheerful, and he has the feeling that sleep and proper nutrition have lost their importance. A person may not eat, but not feel hungry; he may not sleep, but not feel tired. The body is on the verge of exhaustion, so the brain is forced to protect its loving owner and “press pause” in time. If this had not happened, the life expectancy of people on earth would have been shortened by at least a third.
Relationships tend to change
Relationships, unlike people, tend to change quickly. Just when you think that everything will be as it is today, suddenly you find out that your relationship can no longer be the same as before. Sooner or later, lovers stop delighting each other with gifts and flowers every day. Sooner or later, partners stop hugging and kissing so often. Men sometimes stop being faithful and find mistresses. Women stop paying all their attention only to men, but transfer it to their children.
Relationships tend to change. And this happens much faster and more dynamically than changes in the person himself. This is why many couples break up because their relationship has changed, and they themselves have not yet had time to change themselves.
Relationships tend to change. And this must be remembered, even when it comes to business or friendly relationships. Sooner or later, something will start to happen that will cause your relationship to no longer be the same as before. And here it is very important for a person to be flexible: to notice the changes that are taking place, to change himself, adapting to new circumstances, and to get used to a new algorithm of actions that will also bring him happiness and peace of mind.
Relationships will change sooner or later, but it is your willingness and desire to change with them that determines whether you will be happy or not when this finally happens. Be flexible because no relationship will ever change. Learn to notice new circumstances and interact with them in such a way as to still remain a happy and peaceful person.
