How to live with an unloved husband: is it worth enduring for the sake of the children or is it better to get rid of (leave)

Having lived in a happy marriage, a woman may feel that her beloved husband has become a complete stranger, and her ardent feelings have cooled. The husband became indifferent as a man, family life turned into cohabitation based on habit. How to live with an unloved husband? Is alienation a temporary symptom of a marriage crisis or is it the beginning of an irreversible process of family breakdown? Is it worth living with someone you don’t love or is it time to change your usual way of life?

Why did my husband become unloved?

Of course, there are very obvious reasons, such as:

The spouse is addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc.
Cheating partner.
Physical, psychological or sexual abuse.
Constant scenes of jealousy.

And there are also those that have a cumulative effect, accumulate in a lump and over time it becomes difficult to recognize why you stopped loving your spouse.

The main reasons for disappointment in your husband:

Coldness in relations with the wife's children from her first marriage.
Constantly “automatically” support the opinions of your mother or his other relatives with whom you live.
Long-term financial problems.
"Groundhog Day" Nothing changes, every day is the same as the previous one.
Disagreements in matters of raising children.

In addition, dislike for your husband can be temporary: during pregnancy and after childbirth, sometimes your hormonal levels change so much that you begin to fiercely hate the man you just recently loved. Give yourself time, in this case, everything will pass soon.

How does dislike for a spouse manifest itself?

Each of us, having cooled down a little after a quarrel, is able to approach our partner and hug him. Simply because the thought that briefly entered your head that he might not be with you makes you feel uncomfortable. If you no longer care and you choose expressions during a scandal only for the purpose of pricking him more painfully, then the value of the relationship, and therefore love, disappears.
It also happens that a wife stops preening for her husband. And it seems that this is quite common, but here’s the paradox: even while waiting for the plumber from the house management, not to mention going out into the world, you put yourself in order with special care.

Sex. Or rather its absence. In your fantasies, you have already tried all the positions from the Kama Sutra. But none of the pictures show your husband.
He pisses you off. Everything about him irritates you: the way he laughs, eats, smells, looks, breathes...
You don’t care what happened at work or what funny thing happened with his friend Petya. And even if instead of Petya’s friend there is a certain Maria, you will not have any interest or jealousy.

The main reasons for disappointment in your husband

The feelings passed, and disappointment took their place. But you shouldn’t make hasty conclusions and decisions. Think about what caused the current situation. The main thing is to identify the source of constant irritation and dissatisfaction with your husband.

Unfulfilled dreams

Many women, having met the man of their dreams, imagine him in their fantasies as some kind of ideal. They rush into the abyss of a new romance and see only the positive traits of their chosen one. Character flaws are sometimes considered a trifle that can be easily corrected. As a result, the girl gets a husband whose image is far from the ideal drawn in her head. All attempts to change a man lead to failure. The beautiful fairy tale collapses in an instant and the husband becomes disappointed.

Gray everyday life

As a rule, dates and meetings before marriage take place in a romantic atmosphere. It seems that life next to this man will be like a fairy tale in which the woman will be a princess. After the wedding, the first months of your life together will be filled with love and romance. But soon, the pink fog dissipates, and normal everyday life begins. Your husband goes to work, you keep things clean and prepare food. The routine of daily hassles absorbs love and romanticism. Life becomes ordinary and begins to weigh you down with its dullness.

Unexpected problems

Many women begin to feel depressed at the first difficulties of family life. This could be the illness of a loved one, financial difficulties, debts. They throw out their dissatisfaction on their already unloved husband and take offense at him. There is some tension in the relationship, which results in constant quarrels. A woman is faced with a choice whether to continue living with her unloved husband or not.

Interpersonal chasm

When there is no mutual understanding between husband and wife, solving the problems that arise is very difficult. Accumulated discontent and difficulties alienate the couple from each other. Words spoken during a quarrel remain in the memory for a long time, sit there like a sick thorn and do not give rest even in moments of peace. You no longer have common hobbies; everyone does their own thing, with virtually no communication with their partner. Such behavior can provoke divorce.

How can you live together with a husband you don’t love?

There are often moments when a woman is ready to leave her unloved husband, but for some reason does not do so. The reason may be financial dependence on a man or even physical dependence. When you cannot overcome such attachment, you need to understand how to live with an unloved husband.

Nature has designed it so that women are more emotional than men. The feeling of love can cause them a storm of various emotions. It can be passion, tenderness, and sometimes pity or even hatred.

If you do not feel negative emotions towards your unloved husband, then try to reduce communication with him. Work, children or your favorite hobby will help with this. You can go on a trip or to a resort. Some women devote themselves entirely to household chores, trying to be the perfect housewife. There are quite a few methods of getting rid of the problem, but this only works when you have the moral strength to hide your true feelings for your unloved husband, pretending that you love and appreciate him.

When life with an unloved husband becomes unbearable, then you shouldn’t torture yourself and it’s better to leave. In this case, psychologists advise to talk frankly with your spouse and explain the current situation. There is always a way out, the main thing is to have the desire to look for it.

Is it worth living with an unloved husband?

Why, convinced that the return of feelings is unrealistic, do women maintain “indifferent marriages”?

The two most common reasons are “together for the sake of the child” and material well-being. And if in the latter case, a woman must be prepared for the fact that the situation may lead to divorce if freedom turns out to be more expensive, then in the case of children, she needs to weigh everything carefully. After all, they feel tension and sometimes subconsciously begin to feel guilty: it seems to them that the discord between their parents is because of them. If you are sure that family happiness cannot be returned, maybe it’s still better to leave and live alone?

Pity for my husband and fear of loneliness. In both cases, you are being unfair to yourself and your spouse. The way out of both situations is an honest, calm conversation with your husband and divorce. Give both yourself and him the opportunity to find their own happiness.

Is it possible to revive love?

If this is your case, and it cannot be cured either by everyday life or by separation, then you can try to look at the whole situation from the other side. Read the article How to love your husband again if your feelings gradually cool down - perhaps it will help you.

There is another method, often imposed by “well-wishers” friends. An inherently terrible method. This is cheating on your husband with your lover. Well, they say, you will feel like a woman yourself, and you will refresh your relationship with your husband.

Maybe somewhere the girlfriends are right. But we must imagine what the possible consequences might be.

There is a risk of seriously falling in love with your secret friend. This means that there is a risk of destroying your family. But there is no certainty whether a new life with a lover will develop. Are you ready for such changes?
If you want to renew your feelings in this way, then get ready for a surprise: even in front of your unloved husband, you will suddenly have another, unpleasant feeling - a feeling of guilt. If you have a conscience, then it will eat you from the inside.
Perhaps those around you will find out about your adultery - neighbors, relatives, your husband and children. And you're not ready for divorce. If you are afraid of the opinions of others, then beware - this is where you won’t wash away the shame.
If you really want to have an easy romance on the side, then look for a friend, not a lover, so that you can be honest at least with yourself. Read about the difference in the article about platonic love.

In general, rather than experimenting on yourself, look at other families and compare with yours. Some women are delighted with their man, even though he is inferior and unsightly. And someone wants to run away from her husband on all four sides, even though he is a tough macho man.

Maybe you came up with everything for yourself? Maybe you don’t have any dislike for your betrothed? Maybe I just got crazy in my head after watching cheap romantic TV series?

How to continue to live?

If for some reason you are not going to get a divorce, then you need to learn to live together without psychologically destructive consequences. And here are some recommendations:

Don't compare your husband to others. If something about him irritates you, act wisely: inspire him to do things that are beneficial to you, and don’t nag him for what you don’t like.
Divide the spaces, let everyone have their own, where they can retire.
Prohibit humiliation and aggression towards both yourself and your husband. Join a sports club or hang a dart board on the wall to take out the negativity on it.

Separation test

Many women confuse their dislike for their husband with a boring routine in life. But as soon as something changes in life, suddenly indifference goes away.

New, heightened feelings for your spouse appear, and it is unknown in which direction - either positive or negative.

This test of distance will predetermine the future life of the unhappy family. We need to leave. You - on vacation or to visit your mother, or your husband - on a long business trip or also on vacation. But the main thing is that the spouses live separately, at least for a month.

How do the stages of separation usually go:

Euphoria! Phew, freedom at last! You can’t hear those steps around the house that are so painful in the evenings. The bed is wide and pleasant. There is no need to nervously withdraw your shoulder from the touch of your husband’s hand. And silence!
Communication with my husband is reduced to a minimum. "Hello! How are you? Fine? Well, don’t get sick, bye!” In the meantime, you can run with your girlfriends to a restaurant.
What is there to do in these restaurants? A meaningless male “eat” without a “continuation of the banquet”, a morning hangover, my friends tormented me with their advice.
The evenings drag on. Where is that “piece of furniture” that walked from room to room and happily devoured evening dinners? I haven't called for a long time. Well, I won't either.
The bed is kind of cold. A nightly fear of darkness and silence appeared. And the phone is still treacherously silent. Maybe there's some kind of madam with her husband?
I'll call myself. "Hello Kitty! How are you What do you do all day? What are you eating? Does your stomach hurt? If anything, drink Mezim. Bye-bye, smack-smack!
No, it doesn't look like he has anyone there. He eats stupid offal and subsists on hot dogs. It's time for him to return home to homemade dishes.
“Hello, dear, will you be there soon? How - “one more week”? Come quickly!” Whole week! It stretches like bubblegum! But the meeting and new life are so sweet.

It is precisely in this case that we can say with confidence that the woman was mistaken in her dislike for her husband. The feelings are still the same, just shaken up and refreshed.

By the way, you can also determine how a wife treats a man when her husband is in the hospital. He can be annoying at home, but if he has a problem with his health, the woman immediately begins to have a “split” in her head.

A loving wife will look for any minute to sit next to him in the hospital. She does not come to an unloved person, citing constant employment. She will not ask the doctor for the results of his tests and the date of discharge. She will be “parallel” to the condition of her own spouse.

Giving birth or having an abortion from an unloved husband

No one can answer this question for you. Therefore, do not ask family and friends for advice. You must understand and evaluate your reality yourself. Such decisions need to be made with a calm head. Stop the flow of thoughts, relax, meditate, and then start answering the questions listed below. If you can't cope with relaxation, here's a video with relaxing music to help you. Listen to yourself. It is better to answer questions in writing.

What do you really feel for your husband? Are you just burned out or do you have complete rejection of this person? Regret about lost years, slight sadness from a bygone fairy tale, or fierce hatred for the one who broke your life?
Think about whether you will transfer these feelings to your unborn baby? Will you see him as an extension of your husband?
Imagine you decide to have an abortion. Play this scenario through and through in your head. So you made up your mind, came to the office and did it. There's no turning back. What are you experiencing? Peace, relief or boundless grief from a mistake? Do not look at the opinions of others, it is only your life and you are responsible for it.

Now imagine that you have decided to give birth. What will your life be like with the arrival of a child? How will your relationship with your husband be built? What kind of atmosphere will the child live in? Will you be able to support your baby yourself if you break up with an unloved man?
Well, don’t forget to discuss this issue with your husband, if he is of course sane. I'm not talking about drug addicts and mentally unstable people. It happens that men really want children. But think about whether he will be able to provide a decent life for a little person if you do not want to participate in this after childbirth.

Once you have answered all the questions in writing, take your time. Put your notebook aside and come back to it the next day. It is best to repeat this exercise several times so that you can truly find the best solution.

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It happens that, after living a couple of years in a happy marriage, a woman discovers that her husband has become indifferent to her and is not interested in her either as a man or as a friend. What is this?

Crisis stage of family life. which one needs to be experienced? Or is love really gone? In any case, you need to understand yourself, because living with an unloved husband is difficult, it can provoke an intrapersonal conflict that will be difficult to deal with.

After two or three years of marriage, the relationship between the spouses changes. Passion and vivid emotions gradually disappear, and completely different feelings take their place. This surprises and frightens many girls; they begin to think that they have stopped loving their spouse. In fact, this is not so, it’s just that love has acquired a different quality, and you need to accept that now your relationship has become stronger and calmer.

There are situations when a woman really stops loving her husband. The reason for this could be resentment and disappointment. This also happens in families after the birth of a child. Cooling rarely occurs on its own. And here the question arises: is it possible to live with an unloved husband? You can live for some time without having any feelings for your partner.

True, this situation is often complicated by the fact that the woman does not want to have sex with the person who has become a stranger to her. This provokes quarrels, misunderstandings and conflicts. Sometimes indifference gives way to irritation and even hatred. This is where mental tossing begins, developing into an internal personal conflict. Women often cannot make a choice: save their family at any cost or leave. And sometimes the cause of internal discord is a lack of understanding whether there are any feelings left towards the spouse. Perhaps the cooling occurred only temporarily?

There is an easy way to check if you still love your spouse. Imagine that he has another woman. How does this make you feel? Or imagine that he left forever for a distant country. Do you want to drop everything and follow him? If you are ready to fight for your husband, to run to the ends of the earth for him, then most likely your relationship has not completely exhausted itself. If you don't care, then the love is gone.

When answering this question, people usually take one of two extreme positions. The first one sounds like this: “This is your fate, be patient.” Adherents of the second point of view urge a woman not to waste her life, not to torture herself and the other person, and to break off relationships.

Both are difficult to achieve. There are situations when the spouse is both gentle and caring, but still there is no love. And leaving him means causing serious injury to a person, offending and insulting him. What to do? First you need to analyze your feelings. If you are still together, what connects you? Perhaps you are concerned about the impact of divorce on your children. Or does your spouse provide for you, are you used to living in comfort and security and do not want to lose such a comfortable life?

Or maybe you still retain gratitude and respect, even if these feelings are hidden for the time being in the hidden corners of your soul? Or is family a cure for boredom and loneliness for you? If you honestly answer these questions for yourself, it will be easier for you to make a choice. Consider your relationships from the height of your global life plans. Think about whether the family, as it is, will help you realize your main dreams? From this point of view, try to make a decision. Emotions and conflicts are unlikely to help you. Before making a choice, you need to stop scandals in the family. if they are, take a break, perhaps leave for a while, if circumstances allow. It will probably be easier for you to understand yourself and your feelings while apart.

And finally, the easiest way to understand how to live with an unloved husband. If, despite everything, you have maintained a trusting relationship with your spouse, then you should just sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk. You may not be able to talk about love, but it should make you feel better. Tell him in a gentle way how you feel, don’t be afraid to offend him.

Your incomprehensible cooling and detachment, which you cannot explain in any way, causes much more pain. Think together if you can somehow change the situation. The main thing is not to blame your chosen one, just

discuss your feelings with him. This will definitely help. In order to make a life-changing decision, personal maturity is required. You need to stop feeling dependent on circumstances and the opinions of other people. You will need to increase your self-confidence. grow up and take responsibility for your actions. And then you will see that there is no right or wrong choice. There is only a solution that will bring peace to your soul, even if it is associated with difficulties.

Friends! The topic of the next article is “Family after the birth of a child. How to strengthen relationships? » — category: Family problems. In order not to miss it, you can subscribe to the magazine's online newsletter by email.

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Tags: relationship with husband
My advice: Remember what they say: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” We are loved exactly as much as we love ourselves. Happiness can only be given by those who force themselves to be happy. After all, it doesn’t depend on anything. I opened my eyes in the morning, thank God for everything I have, for the opportunity to live another wonderful day in this world! To begin with, drive all grievances out of your soul, nothing can be worse, resentment is the worm that sharpens and destroys a person from the inside. Following the insult, anger, irritation, and hatred will settle in the soul. You can only change someone through yourself, and the hardest work is working on yourself. The people around us are a reflection of ourselves, our shortcomings. We just need to learn to see it! If God wants to make us happy, he leads us along the most difficult road, simply because otherwise we would not value so much what comes into our lives. After living with my husband for nine years, I corrected the most important flaw in myself - touchiness. I was offended so often, I was one step away from a mental hospital, the thought of tightening the noose around my neck, yes. that remembering was not easy. I spent a year of my life learning to forgive and forget, patiently waiting for my husband to mature enough to divorce, so that they would let each other go with kindness. Everything in my life magically began to change, along with how I changed myself, I forced myself to fall in love with myself and be happy every day no matter what!

Married for 6 years. They used to love each other. Now we argue 7 times a day. I would love to get a divorce, but I have nowhere to go. I have a bad relationship with my mother. in other respects, I always think that she is entirely to blame. I'm afraid to ask myself such a question. suddenly I really love you. It’s not that he doesn’t love me, I’m disgusted with him, he criticizes my every move. It's easier for me to hate him. if I let these feelings wash over me he could hurt me every day

I have been living with my husband for 15 years. There are two children. For the last five years I have not been living, but existing. He never indulged in attention before, but now he doesn’t notice at all. It was never just a hug or a kiss. Sex 1-2 times a month. And then I’m always the initiator. He refuses me many times. This topic has already been discussed a million times. He always has some excuses, wants to sleep at night, rushes to work in the morning. She offered to get a divorce, but she doesn’t want to. I don't understand what the reason is. I’m 32. He’s 34. I think my appearance is fine, I take care of myself. Sometimes even strangers. On the street you get a lot of attention. I don’t understand how to continue to live like this...

I am 60 years old, I have lived with my husband for 36 years. Children - 4. 3rd created families. The youngest is studying at an architectural institute. I'm scared. I am indifferent to my husband, I realized that I live with an unloved man. While retired, I work as a designer. I like the job. I try to do more work that I love. He annoys me. I see emptiness ahead. Children and grandchildren live separately. No matter what I do, he thinks I'm stupid. Although I like to read and travel. In all these 36 years he has not read a single book, but he has good hearing. We don't understand each other at all. We haven't had sex for a long time. I'm already ashamed. He has diabetes. I feel sorry for him. Over all these years we just got used to each other.

I also had this problem in my life, but I overcame it. True, it took 4 years of my life! But recently I came across this article. I read it and realized that I really did a lot of things wrong. We must live for ourselves.

From my own experience I know that it is quite possible to live normally with an unloved person. Only this understanding came to me late. She was young and when she stopped loving her first husband, she didn’t cheat and got divorced. After a while, she married a second time without great love, but simply to be provided for. And I’ve been living well for 16 years now. Question - well, why did I spend my feelings and nerves for the first time on a person whom I later hated?

Thank you very much for the informative and positive article, we all probably face such problems throughout our lives together. It seems that the feelings have gone away, and the spouse has become a stranger, but around the corner a brighter feeling awaits us. But as statistics show, few people find happiness and joy around that corner. So is it necessary to strive for that turn? After all, this is to cause injury to our beloved halves, our children, and to ourselves no less. Isn’t it better to try to improve relationships in your own family, because family life is always work and creation!

Advice from psychologists

It happens that one of the spouses simply represses thoughts about their partner due to the fact that they focus on themselves, on worries about the house or personal problems. And if the family also has three children, two dogs and the husband’s mother, when can you even think about your spouse... In general, I offer practical advice from psychologists.

Try playing a game with your husband. You will need a quiet place. Agree that no one will say a word during the process. Focus only on the sensations. The exercise consists of three blocks, each lasting 3-5 minutes. Press your backs against each other.

Block No. 1: snuggle closer to your partner and think only about his feelings all this time. Forget about your condition.
Block No. 2: focus only on your feelings, on your comfort in this situation.
Block #3: Taking care of both. Try not to lose sight of your feelings or those of your partner.

When the game is over, share your impressions with each other: who felt what? Which state were you more used to? Perhaps problems in the relationship began because one or both partners were too focused on themselves? Exercise helps to achieve balance, if it is still possible to revive feelings.

What do you think – how to live, and most importantly, is it worth living with a husband you don’t love? Maybe you know ways to correct the situation? Write in the comments what you think, share the article online and subscribe to updates. Until next time!

Reasons for the existence of “indifferent” marriages

So, how to live next to an unloved husband? The advice of psychologists on this issue can be divided into two opposing camps:

Some insist that it is possible, and sometimes even necessary, to endure and move on in order to preserve the family. The main thing is to set priorities and identify for yourself the main goal for the sake of which it is necessary to maintain an indifferent marriage.
The latter argue that such relationships are doomed. You shouldn’t waste your life and the life of your unloved husband in vain. It’s better to break up, go through a divorce and devote yourself to new feelings and emotions.

In modern society, divorce is not a rare occurrence. Love passed, we went to the registry office and that’s it, long live freedom. But life doesn’t always work out the way we want it to. There are a number of reasons why a woman lives with an unloved husband and does not dare to divorce:

The wedding was arranged by the parents. Wildness? But even today this is not uncommon. In some countries there is still a tradition of marriage being arranged by the parents. Rarely does love break out between husband and wife. Most often, a couple is forced to get used to each other and live without feelings.
Divorce is a shame. In this case, religious views do not always play a decisive role. In some families, the breakdown of the family leaves a stain on the reputation of the entire family. Relatives give advice on how to save the family. People think about the resonance a divorce will cause among fellow villagers or neighbors. Think about the question, for whom do you live, for yourself or the people around you? There is only one life, and, unfortunately, it is so short that it is not worth wasting it on an unloved husband.
Fear of loneliness. Some women underestimate themselves. They believe that the appearance is not the same, and the character is not the same. You cannot divorce an unloved husband, as you will have to live out your life alone. Psychologists say that you shouldn’t be afraid to be alone. In the life of every person, sooner or later there certainly appears a person with whom you want to live your whole life.
Preserving the family for the sake of the child. This is a fairly common occurrence. Often in such families the child is exalted above all else, and all efforts are put into satisfying the children's whims. A woman has to decide how to live with an unloved husband for the sake of a child who acutely feels the tension between parents. As a result, the woman will harbor a grudge against her own child for her failed personal life. Perhaps it would be better to divorce your unloved husband and search for your own happiness.

A pity. It seems to a woman that if she breaks up with her unloved husband, he will disappear without her. A man who has feelings for his wife feels her indifference to herself. Awareness of this brings him torment and suffering. In some situations, the best option is to end the relationship.
Marriage of convenience. It happens that a woman or a man gets married because of the money of the other half. A lady gives birth to a child and lives in complete financial dependence; the wife is ready to endure the age of her unloved husband, his bad character, his infidelities, and sometimes even physical violence against herself. Think about it, is other people's money worth the suffering you experience next to your unloved husband? Get a job and become an independent woman.
Habit. Many years passed after the wedding, love passed, only the habit of being close to my husband remained. The spouses understand that they have become indifferent to each other, but are in no hurry to change anything. In this case, psychologists advise trying to reanimate tender feelings. Have a romantic dinner, give your husband a massage, go on a trip to new places together.