I live with my husband, but my heart loves a completely different man

Almost every girl dreams of meeting her prince on a white horse and living the rest of her life with him in happiness, love and harmony. But what to do when another prince appears on the horizon, upon meeting whom your soul freezes and butterflies in your stomach flutter like mad?

Most often, a heart-to-heart conversation and making a decision that more or less satisfies each of the three parties is enough. However, there are situations when a woman who has both a husband and a lover falls into the trap of her own feelings and does not know how to get out of it. What should a married lady do when her heart tells her that she loves another man? Let's look at different aspects of this problem and try to find the most correct way out of it.

Reasons for external communication

Why does a seemingly happily married young lady begin to stare at other young people and enter into sinful relationships with them? The main reasons that lead to cheating include the following:

1. Sexual dissatisfaction. It often happens that people do not give each other the necessary pleasure in bed, but the hope that things can still get better does not leave them for a long time. But one day there comes a moment when a woman realizes that the years go by, and she has not been able to experience true pleasure, which is written so much and vividly in books and shown in films. Realizing that she is definitely not frigid, as her husband believes, the young lady decides to take a desperate step and finds herself a new partner on the side. And, as it turns out, quite successfully.
2. Lack of common interests. This is the case when a girl is not looking for a person for love pleasures, but rather a soul mate. Who is she interested in spending time with and communicating with? Initially, she may not want to enter into an intimate relationship with a stranger and cheat on her legal spouse. But the more a lady becomes attached to her new boyfriend, the more she thaws and experiences physical attraction to him. Eventually he even falls in love.
3. Problems in relationship with husband. Some women will endure an unhealthy marriage all their lives, believing that this is their lot. Others are sure that it is too early to give up on themselves, and seek solace in the arms of another, only sometimes experiencing remorse.
4. The monotony of life. When family relationships with their routine are simply boring, you want to experience something new and again feel like a desirable woman, and not just a wife or housewife. This is where a wonderful young man turns up, in a relationship with whom the lady is ready to experience long-forgotten love.
5. Mental deviation. There are situations when a girl suffers from nymphomania and endlessly desires sex, without even paying much attention to who she has it with. Such a person, as a rule, does not feel a strong emotional attachment to her lovers and is unlikely to want to leave her family for the sake of one of them.

Should I enter into a relationship if a man lives with another woman?

• Know who you're dealing with

Take a closer look at your lover: can you trust him, are his intentions serious, or is he using you for momentary pleasure. Men in informal relationships can be divided into three groups:

Option A: The man is normal, but his partner is problematic

Representatives of the stronger sex who are part of this group are aimed at creating a family, but often make mistakes in choosing a partner and become victims of capricious, dissatisfied individuals. At home you can more often hear reproaches and accusations than kind words. The guy quickly gets tired of such relationships, stops seeing prospects in them and switches his attention to another woman.

If you meet a man who lives with another woman and suffers in this relationship, then the chance that in the future you will become a strong couple is very high. It is enough to demonstrate to your lover that you are the understanding, loving and kind girl he has been looking for all his life and who will share his ideals and life principles.

Option B. The partner “spoiled” the man

An adequate person tries to avoid broken things that require large physical and financial costs to put them in order. In personal life, everything is about the same. People avoid problematic relationships in which they must work with their partner to achieve common views and priorities.

If a man lives with another woman, how can she “spoil” him? For example, a lady works a lot, allowing her beloved to lie on the sofa and fulfilling all his whims. Or does not protect his personal boundaries and dignity, becoming a victim of rude treatment.

There is a high probability that the man will treat you the same way as he treats his partner. After all, he has already formed a behavior pattern and a stereotype that a woman must support him and endure everything.

A man from this group is happy with everything and does not want an official relationship. After all, in a divorce, if it comes to it, you can lose part of your property, and this is not part of the plans of a selfish male. The absence of a stamp allows him to live for his own pleasure and manipulate a girl with impunity; he can even treat the weaker sex with contempt and consider women second-class citizens. There are no prospects for creating equal and harmonious relationships with such a partner.

Option C. Vicious man

He rolls through women's destinies, leaving behind a scorched field. A man of this type makes women suffer, breaks hearts and moves on, looking for a new victim. He is already bored with his roommate, and he is looking for a new object in order to start the same game with him and realize his destructive inclinations.

It is useless to try to change such a person; you will waste your time and mental strength. It is better to use both to find a worthy candidate.

• Find out how many years a man has been living with his partner

Statistics say that 90% of marriage proposals are made in the first year of a relationship, 9% in the second year, 1% in the third year and later. Of course, there are exceptions, but still these numbers will help you assess how serious your lover’s relationship is with you and his partner.

If your man has been living with another woman for more than two years, then he is unlikely to marry her. But if the relationship is less than a year old, then this is a reason to be wary. Firstly, he may still choose someone other than you, and secondly, isn’t it too early for him to start someone else?

I have a husband, but I love another: what should I do?

This situation is very complex, and in order to understand it, you need to calm down, turn on your mind and figure out the important points for yourself.

Understand your feelings

Carefully analyze your connection with your new lover, remembering in detail all the positive and negative aspects. The following questions will help with this:

• What prompted me to cheat in the first place?
• Why did I choose this young man?
• How well do I know him, am I idealizing him?
• How often do I fantasize about love?
• What do I feel next to him?
• How do we spend our time?
• If I replace cloudless meetings and entertainment with real life with its problems, will I experience the same feelings for this man?
• Do I always feel good with him?
• Is it boring when we're together?
• How much time has passed since the beginning of our relationship?
• Do I feel guilty in the arms of a new partner?
• Do I think about my husband when I am with my lover?
• Is my husband so bad that I have become dependent on another man?
• can I live without my family?

By analyzing your answers to the questions posed, you will be able to understand what it really is: true love or just a fleeting infatuation that carried you into the abyss of passion. Or maybe you were attracted by the illusion of freedom, curiosity or a desire for adventure? Or do you just like to be the center of male attention and enjoy the fact that you belong to several men? And as soon as you leave one and go to another, the huntress instinct will subside, and you will immediately become bored.

It is important to be able to distinguish a serious feeling, for which you wouldn’t mind giving up your life, from temporary crazy love and strong physical craving for a person.

Decide on your desires

If, after reflecting on your emotions, you understand that you are not yet ready for a serious decision and, in principle, everything suits you, then perhaps there is no need to change anything. And over time, everything will work out on its own, and life will make the right choice for you.

But in the case when you can no longer stand the current situation and lie to both yourself and both men, you should decide once and for all by analyzing the following points:

• what do you want your future to look like;
• how you feel with each partner;
• who would be better for you to spend the rest of your life with?
• will you be able to feel the same comfort with both, or will the scales of a comfortable existence still tip in favor of one;
• will your chosen one accept you after everything he has experienced?

After this, make a decision to save the existing marriage or still leave for a new partner. Otherwise, you will continue to exist in limbo and constantly experience pangs of conscience and uncertainty. And it won’t take long for you to go crazy.

If you want to save your marriage, break off ties on the side and resolve family problems

You understand that feelings for your spouse still remain in your heart and you don’t want to lose either him or your children. Family life has long been streamlined and proceeds quite calmly and comfortably. And you are afraid to change something. Then try to end the sinful relationship on the side and return to your family. If your husband knows nothing about your affair, most likely, everything will soon fall into place, and you will find happiness with him again.

But perhaps you are tormented by thoughts: “What should I do in that situation when I want to return, but have already told my husband that I love both him and another person?” If your spouse is aware of your affair, problems may arise. It is possible that you will have to beg him for forgiveness and beg him to give him a chance to reform. It must be borne in mind that even if he forgives, he will no longer have the same trust. In any case, it is worth trying to restore the family, not only for the sake of both of you, but also for the sake of the children.

The main thing is that later, while remaining married and pregnant, you don’t have to shed tears at night for your former lover: “I still love another man, but I don’t know what to do about it.”

If you love only your lover, leave

You cannot imagine your future life without your new companion and believe that it is better to die than to lose him. At the same time, you feel sorry for your spouse, you worry that he will completely disappear without you and will begin to heal his spiritual wound with alcohol or indiscriminate connections. Think that in the present situation he is already a deceived victim, and no matter how you try to soften the circumstances and wait for a more convenient moment to break up, it will only get worse. You can hope for something for a long time and sympathize with your spouse. But, if you understand and clearly say to yourself: “I love another man, not the husband with whom I live,” then take courage and leave the family. No matter how difficult it may be, this step will be the most honest to everyone and, perhaps, in the future it will help to avoid mistakes that lead to the path of betrayal.

Why does a man leave his family but not marry you?

Let's assume that a man lived with another woman, but then left the family, and you started living together. Time passes, everything is fine in your relationship, but he does not propose marriage. What is the reason?

According to statistics, only 20% of civil marriages are officially registered. And this is partly due to the behavior of women themselves. Sometimes a lady does not even realize the motives of her actions and blames her lover for the fact that there is still no stamp in the passport. Let's look at five reasons why a civil marriage may never become official:

1. Alexithymia
   is a personality trait when a person cannot determine his own emotions and the emotions of other people. A woman with alexithymia does not know how she feels about her partner. Is this love or just sympathy? There are emotions, but the girl does not know what they are called; since childhood she has become accustomed to hiding and ignoring them. Such ladies do not notice emotional disturbances and concentrate on external manifestations: speech, manners, posture, behavior. They are logical, rational and prone to psychosomatic illnesses. A partner is chosen after analyzing his strengths and weaknesses and what benefits he can bring. Relationships with a woman suffering from alexithymia are more like partnerships. Mutual benefit, convenience and comfort are put at the forefront.
2. The girl is not ready for a serious relationship.
   It often happens that a woman grew up in an incomplete family or witnessed domestic violence. Alcoholism, drug addiction, cruelty, and sexual harassment traumatize the child’s psyche. A woman with a negative childhood experience of living in her parents' home is on a subconscious level afraid of a repetition of her experience. She does not trust men; deep down in her soul there is still a childish fear that she will be offended again. The girl will assure herself and those around her that she is ready for marriage, but in reality she will push away the gentleman and behave in such a way that the relationship will collapse.

1. Selfishness
   prevents you from understanding yourself and understanding whether this is the man, the one and only, for whom the woman has been waiting for so many years. Afraid of making a mistake, the lady has been looking for the ideal partner for years. She constantly compares her boyfriend with other men, with the husbands of her friends, and doubts her choice. But a person cannot be flawless, there will always be flaws, which means there will always be a reason for self-doubt and fear of choosing the wrong gentleman. After all, in the first place such a woman has her own ideas, stereotypes, standards, even if they are far from reality.
2. Codependency
   is characterized by complete inclusion in the life of another person, the desire to please him and completely control him. A woman with codependency will try to be good to her partner in everything. A person in this pathological state experiences self-hatred, guilt, low self-esteem, suppressed anger, and uncontrollable aggression. He focuses on others, puts pressure, obsessively offers help, and ignores his own needs. A codependent woman in a relationship feeds on the energy of her partner and fears losing him more than anything else. She will endure humiliation, insults, neglect, as long as her companion is nearby. At the same time, she herself is ready to manipulate and intrigue, to pretend to be a victim, just to get her way. Men also suffer from codependency, and if both halves of a couple have this illness, then the game of “savior-persecutor-victim” can last a lifetime. But an adequate person will try to avoid damaging relationships and will strive for a fulfilling family life.
3. Self-deception or secondary gain
   can also become a reason for refusing official marriage. There are situations when staying in a civil marriage is beneficial. For example, a woman receives alimony from her ex-husband and does not want to lose it. Or the status of a free woman allows a lady to feel more confident and calm.

Think about the consequences

Psychology knows many examples when a woman shares her experiences with a specialist: “It seems to me that I love another” or “I love one, but live with another. Help me cope with mental anguish and get out of the situation.” Here the main advice would be this: turn on your common sense and turn off the voice of your heart for a while. After all, if you miss some nuances that are not noticed thanks to rose-colored glasses, the consequences may not be very pleasant:

1. First of all, understand for yourself, does your lover need you as a permanent life partner? After all, now he is comfortable, your relationship does not oblige him to anything, but only brings maximum pleasure. He did not plan at all to change his life and support you, and perhaps your children. In addition, a guy can be a very skillful seducer, and you simply fell for beautiful words and affection. And, having left your spouse, you will simply take a rash step and be left with nothing, since it is unclear whether your current lover will accept you or whether you will have to leave him headlong.
2. Consider the consequences of divorce proceedings. After all, this is a division of not only property, but also children. And the court may decide not in your favor, leaving you with no opportunity to live with them under the same roof. And will the children themselves, who undividedly love both mom and dad, understand such an act of yours? Of course not. And the divorce of parents may not have the best effect on their psyche.
3. Will you be able to endlessly rebuff those around you who will judge and persecute you with unflattering reviews? The status of a cheater can stick with you for a long time. You will have to observe faces filled with contempt from relatives, friends, neighbors and even colleagues. Therefore, before you leave your family and go to your lover, think several times whether you can cope with all possible obstacles. Or perhaps these circumstances are not worth such sacrifices.

Unfortunately, situations are not uncommon in the world when a wife loves another man with an official husband and children from him, or when she loved one and married another. And here it is impossible to give an exact answer on how best to proceed. After all, it is difficult to predict all possible lines of further development of relations. And the choice depends not only on the woman herself, but also on both companions. It is possible that they themselves will refuse it. And then the abandoned lady will be left alone with a broken trough.