No matter how exciting life with two lovers may be, sooner or later the moment of choice comes. But who to choose - a spouse or a lover? Sometimes a woman cannot refuse someone to whom she has been attached for many years, but she also cannot imagine her life without love.
Common sense urges you to break off the extramarital affair, but your heart thinks differently. If there was a “delete” button in human memory, it would be much easier. And it is simply impossible to stop loving in an instant. The female soul is unpredictable and, regardless of the person herself, wants to be with one person today, and with another tomorrow. Understanding that this state of affairs can last indefinitely leads to a dead end, and sometimes throws you into panic. Therefore, you need to quickly sort out your feelings and make up your mind.
First steps
It’s a shame, but being in a state of internal panic, the girl is not capable of making vital decisions. Therefore, at first it is necessary to smooth out the severity of emotions. And this can only be done if communication and meetings with both partners are limited.
Psychologists advise taking a break and moving away for a while to a place where the culprits of your worries will not disturb you. Only after the fever of love has passed, and the ability to think soberly has returned, can you weigh the pros and cons and make a decision.
While wondering: husband or lover, you need to go back to basics and ask yourself why there was room in life for another man? You need to answer honestly, even if the answer makes you feel uncomfortable. And the options could be as follows:
- Increasing your own self-esteem.
- Sexual liberation. Perhaps here the lover copes with the task better than the husband.
- Feeling natural. For example, in family life you play roles - a decent wife, a housewife, a good mother - and next to this person you become yourself.
- Revenge on the faithful. Maybe the betrayal happened because of resentment, because your husband is cheating on you?
- Indifference, lack of love, lack of positive emotions in marriage.
- Excessive control, jealousy on the part of the faithful.
To make it easier, write down your thoughts on a piece of paper, review it every day and adjust until you get to the bottom of it.
Remember that the situation requires detachment; you need to look at events as if through someone else’s eyes. It may also be that, having pulled away, you realize the incredible - you don’t need any of the men. And then the decision will come to radically change your life.
Whatever happens in your soul, remember - never ask friends or relatives for advice on how to choose between a husband and a lover. They reason from their own perspective and give advice based on personal experience. What will seem like an immutable truth to them will turn out to be complete nonsense for you. The best thing you can come up with in this situation is to be guided by the voice of your heart. It knows exactly who you want to be with and who to break up with.
How to come back after a wrong choice?
Of two men, choosing a lover is a riskier option. The wife knows her husband thoroughly, and the new chosen one is like a new book, full of surprises. If in the first months it seems ideal, later this opinion may turn out to be erroneous. A lover “on the side” always tries to seem better than he really is. His task is to conquer the woman he loves, to give her what she wants. At the same time, the legal spouse does not care about such problems. He does not hide his shortcomings and does not think of surprising his wife. For what? She had already chosen him.
According to statistics, more than 80% of women who have chosen a lover soon begin to regret their choice. Attempts to return to your husband do not always end in success, and there are several reasons for this:
- Tormented by doubts about how to choose between two guys, and avoiding frank conversations with both, the wife was caught in the middle;
- the break with the spouse was accompanied by a loud scandal, insults, and humiliation;
- the relationship with her husband has long exhausted itself and really has no prospects;
- During the time that the wife was convinced of the recklessness of her act, the faithful acquired a new passion.
It is realistic to return only to that man who is actually ready to forgive and forget what happened, like a bad dream. At the same time, he himself will probably make attempts to renew the relationship. It is unacceptable to reproach your husband for shortcomings and blame him for your betrayal. If the desire to return did not arise out of despair, then you need to do everything possible to restore the trust of your beloved man. It is very difficult to convince him of the sincerity of his words and actions, but since a woman has made a grave mistake, then she must correct it.
Psychologists recommend calling your spouse for a frank conversation in order to figure out what problems were and are in the relationship, and how they can be corrected. If a woman does not have enough enchanting sex, there is no need to “transparently” hint, she should say so directly. If the reason for the infidelity lay in the appearance of the husband or his manners, it is necessary to delicately communicate this. In this case, it is advisable to first think through solutions: go in for sports together, go on a grand shopping spree, or make an appointment with a psychologist. Any relationship is a kind of multi-story building that is made up of many small bricks. And it can only be built together, making the same contribution and making equal efforts.
If a woman is faced with a choice - a husband or a lover, it means that something has gone wrong in her life. Painful doubts may even indicate that neither of the two partners is suitable for her, because the right choice should be obvious. First of all, you should understand yourself and answer honestly - why did the lover appear and how valuable is the connection with him? What will change if he disappears? What will life be like without a husband? Only a thorough analysis and well-informed decisions will not make you regret rash actions in the future.
Desires and needs with each of the men
So, the first step towards a solution is to understand what is happening inside. When the internal conflict is identified, you will begin to understand what you really want. It depends on the needs and the level of their satisfaction with whom you will stay.
This item will be useful both for women looking for a way out and for men who want to know what their loved one needs.
When asking what wants and needs come true when you are with your spouse, you may consider the following options:
- financial stability - satisfies the need for your security
- predictability and familiar way of family life. This point is usually considered a disadvantage in a relationship, but think about what would happen to you if something unexpected happened every day? If every day your spouse presented you with pleasant and not so pleasant surprises? The advantage is that you know what to expect from him. Unlike a lover.
- can you say: my husband provides me with a sense of self-worth and need? Every woman has a chance to receive unconditional love. Only a child can give such love. The need can only be satisfied if the couple has a baby together.
- satisfying the need to be good. Often this includes the desire to raise a child in a full-fledged family.
- Regular sex. It may be a little boring, but the main thing is that it exists. You will always have time to diversify.
Enter your other, personal desires and think about what percentage of them your spouse satisfies.
A similar list applies to the second man in your life. Just as in the first case, you must remove the unnecessary from what we offer and add your own - what is really important to you.
So:
- the need for a feeling of being chosen, the exclusivity of one’s feminine individuality. Thinking about this, do not get attached to sexual satisfaction, what is important is how much a lady feels like that when she is simply next to her lover.
- real care (without acting). Through it, a woman’s need to feel needed and important is realized.
- trust, support, friendly participation. Usually at this point the choice: lover or spouse is in favor of the latter. After all, the woman is already sure of him, but to check the second one, it takes a lot of time.
- confidence that you will not be refused if you urgently need help.
- sex, passionate emotions. Psychologists specifically put this point in last place, since it is known that for beautiful people who rush into the arms of another, this component of betrayal really takes last place.
Now try to imagine as realistically as possible the picture of separation from one and reunion with another partner. After compiling the list, it will become very clear to you what you will get and what you will lose by choosing one of them.
It should be said that this is precisely the meaning of a love triangle - in order to feel happy in all respects, it is necessary to satisfy all needs, without exception. But how? This will never work with just one partner; you need both to be happy! This is how lovely ladies reach a dead end, which ends in depression and endless marking time. But, fortunately, psychologists say, the dead end is imaginary.
The type of man is just a man
A man with a normal balance of self-esteem is a person who is free to choose his model of behavior in relation to the weaker sex. He can successfully play the role of both husband and lover, but usually there is no need for this. Why pretend to be a Don Juan or a noble knight if a normal man is valuable in himself? This is for those who need to assert themselves at the expense of women. But men are just solid natures, and they don’t need proof of their importance. It is these men who are able to build the healthiest relationships in the family. Unlike husbands and lovers, who seek comfort and self-esteem from women, they strive for love and mutual respect. And they usually marry the one who best suits these requirements.
They treat us the way we allow
This is exactly what one of the axioms of psychology sounds like. From here the following follows: when you feel that you are not being treated the way you want, it’s not the heart, it’s the head that thinks so. But the heart chooses what it considers right for itself.
In other words, if you complain: my lover or spouse is treating me inappropriately, then the issue will not be with them, but with... my parents.
If the “victim” had a mother or father who was stingy with emotional support, then this is precisely the attitude the “victim” allows towards himself.
The way the relationship with your spouse develops confirms or refutes the theory. A woman unknowingly finds a man who, with her help, does what her parents did to her as a child.
But, fortunately, the situation can be corrected. True, this will require a competent psychoanalyst. It happens that a lady rushes from companion to new companion until she digs out in herself what is buried at the very bottom. After working on herself, a eureka moment dawns on her - if she had started working on herself and her relationships earlier, then, for sure, the previous marriage would not have broken up.
That is, it’s not at all about the partner and his qualities, but only about you. And here another axiom will come in handy - we create our own misfortunes.
“How to create happiness for yourself?” - you ask.
No matter how much you love your wonderful parents, they probably were not able to give you full unconditional love and acceptance. It would be different - a woman would not need connections on the side. A dead end comes when, due to parental dislike, the lady was unable to find a soul mate or found one, but eventually came to the painful: “I’m torn and don’t know who to choose.”
And the husband always feels how his wife treats him. Even when she skillfully plays the role of a diligent wife, but actually turns away, he feels this coldness, lack of love and, most importantly, his own loneliness. This creates discomfort inside, which comes out with the help of not very pleasant words and actions. It is quite logical that the relationship deteriorates, and the couple moves away even more.
So what to choose: family or love?
Psychologists advise not to rush to conclusions, but to start by solving problems in yourself. There are a lot of options for endings here. For example, after working on herself, a woman can find out that her husband is more valuable than her lover and has always been so. She will be surprised how the idea of choosing even came into her head?
You need to start with searching. What to look for? - you ask. The so-called “initial capital”, which will fill the void left in childhood. Important: you need to invest in yourself, you need to find solace in yourself, and not feed on someone else’s.
You may not have been loved as a girl, but now you are an adult, capable of loving yourself, accepting yourself, filling you with something valuable and important, making you significant and necessary for yourself, people, and this world. And the one you ultimately choose will only reinforce your strength, but will not fill it with it from scratch.
Of course, it is better to contact a specialist. He will direct your desire into the right actions and explain why you find yourself in similar situations from hour to hour. And if everything goes according to plan, then amazing discoveries await you:
- You will do what you have long dreamed of.
- You will begin to live as you please, and not those around you.
- Love yourself, accept your shortcomings, and realize yourself in what you love to do.
If you still don’t know your true desires, then set yourself the task of finding out. And for this you need to understand yourself. Only in this way will the path to improvement be open.
What you need to consider when choosing
A few years after marriage, the passion between partners inevitably evaporates. Everyday life becomes gray and mundane, the husband does not hesitate to show off around the house in old sweatpants, and does not consider it necessary to give flowers - after all, it is “impractical” and “a waste of money.” High feelings are replaced by habit, and sex turns into an unwanted duty. Not all women are satisfied with this situation, so it’s no wonder that they look at other men with interest. The appearance of a lover is the result of unresolved marital problems.
Having a relationship with two people at once is not only risky, but also impossible in principle. Sooner or later, the faithful will find out about the betrayal, and then the woman will have no choice. Most likely, the deceived one will want a divorce and will simply present it with a fait accompli. Before something irreparable happens, there is a chance to decide who to choose? It is necessary to make a decision in a calm, balanced state, without pressure from loved ones or advice from friends. One of the effective psychological techniques is to put all the pros and cons of your husband and lover on paper. This way the comparison will be clear.
What qualities deserve special attention:
- Attractive appearance. After several years of marriage, most men stop taking care of their appearance. Expensive eau de toilette is becoming an unaffordable luxury, and a couple of dozen extra pounds, in his opinion, are a priori a consequence of married life. At the same time, the lover always looks great, he smells stunning, he takes care of his body, and regularly updates his wardrobe. It is worth taking into account that after a couple of years of marriage, he will also slow down and take care of himself as needed, and not to please his chosen one.
- The ability to give pleasure. If the husband has lost his former interest in a varied intimate life and does not strive to please his wife, then the choice will inevitably fall on his rival. For the sake of his beloved, he will test his own capabilities to the maximum, bringing her to ecstasy over and over again. The only thing that can be advised in this situation is to remember if this is how the relationship with your legal companion began? Passion cannot last forever, and divine sex with a lover will sooner or later turn into banal.
- Help in solving pressing problems. A very important criterion that determines the true nature of a man. When some serious trouble happens, who is the first to come to the rescue? Or who exactly can you rely on? If the lover’s virtues are only good sex, and he tries to avoid all sorts of problems, then what kind of future together can we talk about? The same goes for your spouse. If he doesn’t care about his wife’s problems and encourages her to solve them on her own, then it is unlikely that this marriage will ever become happy again.
- Financial support. This is especially true for those women who are financially dependent on their husbands. If a lover gives expensive gifts, this does not indicate his wealth. It is worth making sure that he can really provide everything you need.
- Love for children. Not all men want to take care of other people's children. When a lover deliberately avoids childish topics and shows no interest in his beloved’s child, one cannot hope that after moving in with him, something will change. Unions that rely solely on children also do not bring happiness to either spouse. In addition, the child often witnesses quarrels and scandals, which negatively affects his psyche.
And most importantly, you need to understand your own feelings, understand which partner is most comfortable with. After all, feelings of hostility, irritation or even hatred are unlikely to ever be replaced by love. A relationship with such a person will suppress you, make you depressed, and make you forget what happiness is.
