It doesn't take much intelligence to win a man. Men love attention, which means that the more all kinds of goodies, the sooner he begins to eat from his hands. Unfortunately, wives often forget about this. They ignore their spouse for years, believing that he already gets enough. Well, what else does he need? Dressed, shod, washed, fed, served in bed (whether it’s first class is a question!).
And, as a result, the poor fellow, the husband, is forgotten and abandoned in the broad sense of this concept. And then she enters the arena: sensitive, cheerful, ready to go to the ends of the earth, always waiting and an incredible dreamer in the bedroom. And the man faces the eternal question: wife or mistress?
What does a wife mean in a man’s life?
Marrying a certain woman rarely happens by accident. Well, it doesn’t happen that a man got married by accident. Even if the stamp in the passport appeared “by chance,” there is a logical explanation for it: a long and confidential intimate life. If a man does not trust a woman and does not see her as the mother of his children, then he is unlikely to have unprotected sex.
Even if so, he will simply run away in the morning and leave no contact. But those who love their girlfriend nobly take her to the registry office. So the conclusion is obvious: a man marries consciously. He is firmly confident that this marriage will last until the end of time, children will grow up, grandchildren will delight their elderly everyday life, and they will die on the same day.
A wife gives a man a feeling of stability, a foundation under his feet, a reliable rear behind his back. With the skillful guidance of his wife, a man grows professionally. He opens up, and as he approaches maturity, he manages to achieve everything. In general, a wife is the personification of peace and comfort. But is it really so?
Sometimes a wife manages to kill what a man so dreamed of. Yes, yes, all men are great dreamers. They are romantic to a fault. They, no worse than women, describe to themselves all the delights of marriage and attach great importance to this step. And suddenly, all their dreams collapse in an instant. The wife simply becomes the “buryer of the hearth.” Here are some before and after examples:
- Before:
Before the wedding, all young ladies are the same. They are cheerful, kind, gentle, ready to experiment in bed, and even if they are shy about something, they courageously overcome their embarrassment. Pots and rags are not in the first place; girls easily go hiking, fishing, or just for an exciting walk around the city. They enjoy going to the cinema. They look good and smell delicious. In general, the standard of a woman for marriage.
- After.
But “after” the trash begins! There are 4 main types of women: the eccentric hitchhiker, the lazy caterpillar, the pretentious mamzel, the whore. What is their essence?
- An eccentric hitchhiker. It’s good and fun to be with her until a stamp appears in the passport. But with the advent of one, nothing changes: there are no cutlets, clean shirts even more so, the floors have forgotten what a rag and water are, and the appearance leaves much to be desired: eternal jeans and sneakers, a plaid shirt and a backpack do not add femininity and sophistication. It’s good if she doesn’t go to another “a la hippie” sect. However, such an event is predictable, due to the complete ignorance of the spouse. It’s okay if he’s on the same wavelength and the same tramp, but what if not? Then he will sit at home, and she will wander from one seminar to another across the country. It's good if she gives birth. But even then, most likely, the child will either be abandoned to her husband and grandmothers, or will crawl through the meadows with her bare bottom while her mother writes down the next prayers to the sun and recipes for eating raw carrots.
- Lazy caterpillar. Distributed everywhere. Having received the coveted stamp in the passport, he begins a long and imperceptible transformation in retrospect. That is, from a butterfly to a caterpillar. She fulfills her feminine duties, but without much enthusiasm, while elevating them to the rank of feat and dedication. The menu is classic; in the factory canteen there is much more variety. There is a gradual degradation due to the flow of TV series and talk shows. Conversations with such a wife come down to discussing the next Juan Carlos or the neighbor Valka the fool from whom the goat man ran away. The house is boring and stuffy. Walks end with a change of surname: there is so much to do at home, what kind of movie?! Appearance gradually wears off: makeup only on holidays, hair at the same time. The figure gradually floats, and after 3 – 5 years of marriage, there is a “bulldozer” nearby: “well, what?! I gave birth!” And little does she know that she is losing her glasses at cosmic speed. What about intimacy? Blowjobs are a thing of the distant past (I’m a decent lady, not a pervert), acrobatic sketches are being replaced by “sandwich”, exclusively on Saturdays, and in general, she has no time to have sex, she makes geniuses out of children and is wildly tired at work. The classic excuse: the husband is a freak himself, where are the compliments, where is the attention, where are the flowers and chocolate?! Somewhere... there, in the distant past, with that cheerful girl whom he fell in love with before marriage.
- Pathetic mamzel. They say about such wives that she is super! The house is tidy, there are 33 dishes in the refrigerator, prepared under the strict guidance of the chef, albeit from a TV project, but it doesn’t matter, because the fried shrimp in a creamy sauce with al dente pasta turned out amazing. She has a chiseled figure and gets a lot of attention in the gym. The makeup is professional and does not wash off even at night. Such wives manage to swim in the sea, jump on the waves and still maintain their hair. The children are well-schooled and at the age of three they read “Onegin” by heart. My husband has arrows on his trousers: you can cut yourself. But the trouble is that there is no warmth, no participation, everything is cold, as if in the palace of the “Snow Queen”.
- Broody. This is something between a caterpillar and a mamzel. A sort of combination of all the signs. There is makeup and hairstyle, but it’s clumsy. The food is prepared, but the variety is poor. The figure has blurred, but she is endlessly dieting. Mom’s best friend and she spends the whole weekend there, although without her husband, who is alone drinking beer while watching an action movie. There is sex, and even with some games. But everything is bland and without enthusiasm.
It is difficult to be an ideal wife, no doubt about it. But some people succeed, some manage! True, this is not what this is about.
Wife or mistress: who is more profitable to be?
This is truly an age-old question. It existed, exists and will continue to exist. I think that he did not bypass almost a single woman. Even if a woman has become a wife, no one is safe from the threat of a mistress. And there are those who, on the contrary, are not satisfied with the role of a wife. There are many obligations, many restrictions, it is better to maintain your independence. So who is more profitable to be? Whose fate is more enviable? Let's try to figure it out.
Wives. Just don’t say that you didn’t dream of a wedding in a white dress, a romantic marriage proposal, a cozy life together and children. Even if now you are cynical and pragmatic, and photos of friends getting married cause you regret and contempt, then in childhood, one way or another, you imagined your wedding.
Let's leave the ceremony itself, because there is much more hidden behind it than the formal speech of the registry office employee. This is a kind of ritual, a transition to a new state, a feeling of yourself and a partner next to you. A woman who becomes a wife knows that this relationship has a future. Moreover, relationships entail all the changes in her life: care and dedication to another person and their common children, a focus on maintaining closeness and comfort, supporting and being with her loved one in a variety of life circumstances. At the same time, she knows that there are obligations towards her too. Now she is the object of care and protection of her partner. And if he is reliable, then she can relax. And the need for a reliable partner is one of the most basic. This is a kind of safe haven, total support that you can rely on in all situations in life. But any agreement, contract between people (including marriage bonds) is imperfect. Mistakes are inevitable. Therefore, when the relationship cools down, and you don’t want to destroy such a large-scale work called “family,” mistresses appear on the stage.
Their role is also very significant. Men realize their fantasies with them, give them unrequited passion, love and care, which the wife is not able to accept. Sometimes relationships with female lovers are closer than with wives. I have often heard stories from women that their relationship with married men resembles not just intimacy, but a real kinship of souls.
This is no coincidence, because men try to compensate with them for unspent feelings, dreams, desires, and truly invest in these relationships while they exist.
Plus, men get to their mistresses in the “best form”: beautiful, well-groomed, generous, and most importantly, they disappear on time and do not interfere with building a career, for example.
It has long been clear that wives also testify to other aspects of their character and behavior: when they are in crisis, sick, tired, infantile or confused. When they snore, they are capricious like children, obsessed with themselves and ignore the needs of their loved ones.
Mistresses have the privilege of communicating with a man only in his best moments. However, the price of a love relationship is stability. The same notorious reliability that a wife receives. The mistress does not have the opportunity to completely relax and trust the man. She knows in her heart that he chose not her, but someone else. And she will have to look for a way to retreat. And even if at a particular moment she is happy, in the future she will have to look for ways to survive without this man. And it's not about material wealth. Deep down, the lover knows that he will not stay with her despite all the love and intimacy between them.
By the way, according to statistics, only 5 percent of love couples form new families. The rest break up sooner or later.
The thing is that love relationships are relationships built on a fragile foundation. As a rule, they appear when a married couple is going through a crisis. And in order to survive it and preserve themselves, the couple finds an unconscious way out - to rely on someone else. For example, while a woman is busy with her baby, a newborn child, a man fulfills the need for intimacy on the side. More than 70 percent of infidelity occurs during the first pregnancy and the first year of the baby’s life in the family. When a woman is “freed” for her husband again, the need for a love triangle in itself becomes extremely small.
In family therapy, the construction of a love triangle is called a “stabilizer” - an additional support in the family, in order to, albeit unconsciously and not too honestly, survive the crisis and preserve oneself.
Another role that we have not considered is that of a common-law wife. Something between the first and second. On the one hand, she is recognized as the only promising partner, but on the other hand, she never becomes a wife. Often women in this role say that status and a stamp will not change anything. But why not install it?
The thing is that women in this role continue to live with a deep conviction about themselves that she does not deserve to be a wife, that a man does not choose her 100 percent and is simply waiting for a better option. It is possible that she will also be with him until better times. As they say, a man is like a tram - the next one will arrive in 15 minutes. In any case, a civil marriage allows partners, consciously or not, to manipulate distance and keep each other at a safe distance.
Whatever your status, the only thing that brings order is a conscious attitude towards yourself and your contribution to the relationship. And if you are not satisfied with something, change it! No one will do this for you.
Maria Dyachkova, psychologist, family therapist and presenter of personal growth training at the Marika Khazina Training Center
What does a mistress mean in a man’s life2
And then, against the backdrop of a measured life that rolls along the beaten path, suddenly out of nowhere, she appears: young, cheerful, eccentric. Free from obligations. It’s easy and free with her, there are no problems with her, and what she does in bed is incomprehensible to the mind. Exotic dishes are tried with her, and borscht is gradually erased from memory, with her new horizons of cinema and theatrical art open up, she is interesting and you can talk with her about everything in the world. And even buying a fur coat is not a duty for her, but a pleasure.
Her place is always clean, but at the same time she is not tired and is ready to go for a walk. She never has a headache, because she knows for sure that good sex actually gets rid of this problem. She does not shy away from innovations in bed and is ready for the strangest experiments.
She reveals the poor fellow from new sides, and he no longer has misfires, he is always on top. They wish him “good morning” and “good night.” They send him private photos and ask him for advice on what bra to buy. They chirp at him if he is sick and prepare him tea with raspberries. She is the queen of his heart! With her, he gets everything that his wife did not give him. With her he is a man again!
Who is better to stay with?
There is no such thing as loving both women at once. Most likely, the man doesn’t really love any of them, otherwise he would have made his choice long ago. True love extends to only one person. But when faced with a dilemma, the man does not see a life partner in any of the women, and decides to remain alone or use two ladies at once.
But if, nevertheless, you have to choose someone...
- The wife is unlikely to accept her rival if she is aware of her husband's affair.
- The mistress is similar, it is unlikely that she will decide on the girl number 2.
That is why it will be necessary to make a choice. Whichever one he chooses, the decision will be difficult, since he will have to choose which benefits to give up and which to stay with. The following points will help you with your choice:
- Determining what he can refuse and what he is ready to face in the future.
- Decide which of the two women has feelings for, at least a little bit stronger? Also, you should take into account which of the girls is more attached to?
What do you think, is it possible to love your wife and mistress at the same time? Share your opinion in the comments.
Tit in hand or pie in the sky3
When his mistress appears, the man plunges headlong into the abyss of new feelings, tender trembling and longing in his chest. But the worm of doubt still gnaws from within. A man increasingly thinks about his feelings for his wife. It seems that there is something to love her for, it seems that there is something to be grateful for. And he gets scared. He is afraid that one day his wife will disappear, there will be no boring oatmeal in the morning, there will be no grumbling about socks, there will be no children’s squealing, nothing will happen.
Everything that he is used to, that gave him a feeling of stability and reliability, begins to crumble. Not everyone can abstract themselves from a double life. After all, to do this you need to be able to separate flies and cutlets. A wife is a wife, and a mistress is for the soul. Moreover, it is still unknown whether the unexpected girlfriend will give all this after he leaves the family. From this moment on, cerebral and emotional masturbation begins. A man faces a difficult choice: wife or mistress.
This stage in a man’s life is felt equally by both. The outcome of events depends on the behavior of both.
The main signs of having a mistress4
The fact that the husband has an affair on the side can be easily traced. He is changing. And sometimes it’s so radical that it just hurts the eye. New hobbies appear. And not from distant childhood, like aircraft modeling, but from fitness or cycling. Well, of course, he can’t appear in front of his mistress with flabby muscles, even though she’s pouring into her ears about his cozy body. Cycling allows you to get away from home for 3-4 hours without any fuss. Frequent business trips, without a significant increase in salary.
Unexpected knowledge of the latest cinema, while watching a news channel for 15 years. The desire to dress fashionably and beautifully, oops, but what about your favorite tracksuit? Exercises in the culinary field at a time when I couldn’t even cook dumplings. And most importantly: either the husband becomes unexpectedly affectionate and generous (yeah, he’s throwing dust in his eyes), or grumpy, with endless claims and reproaches (he compares). The combination of all these factors suggests 100% that madam has appeared.
How to help make a choice5
- In favor of the wife. Well, first of all, you need to figure out where you messed up. And if the dearest one began to disappear in the gym, then the wife has a direct path to the same place. And at the same time, together. So he will be under supervision. And all this can be served with the sauce of matching: there can’t be a sow next to the handsome guy. Secondly, if your husband starts practicing cooking, you need to immediately support him and organize kitchen battles. If he starts dressing fashionably, then you will have to update your wardrobe, and in his presence and with his advice. In purely human terms, he wouldn’t put anything on his wife. In general, all his interests need to be warmly supported. Thirdly, if he has become grumpy like a grandmother at the entrance, then you need to turn on the “cuteness”. Don’t snap, don’t break down: “Yes, honey! OK, darling! Sweetie, don’t grumble!” The more affection, the less barbs. Just don’t babysit and pretend to be a submissive sheep. Men can't stand it, and it looks forced. Fourthly, all his business trips must be organized in such a way that it is possible to meet and see him off at the airport. Right up to boarding a plane or train. He idles a couple of times at astronomical prices, he won’t want it anymore and the business trips will end as quickly as they began. On weekends the load is maximum. And this is not a garden. Not mom and not the garage. These are picnics, trips to neighboring cities on excursions. Or the children go to their grandmother, and then go to bed for the whole day. And fifthly, the bed. You'll have to reconsider your attitude towards sex. No knowledge - porn content to help. Men need variety, not blandness under the auspices of good behavior.
- In favor of the mistress. First, listen carefully to the man. He will definitely talk about quarrels with his wife, because he needs support. You can’t blame your spouse; the effect may be different. But to say that he is infinitely right, that it is unacceptable to behave like her, that any conflicts need to be resolved constructively, is extremely necessary. This way the man will feel that he is not alone, that his thoughts and considerations are correct. Secondly, don’t meddle in his family affairs. If it’s busy, it’s busy, if it’s force majeure, it’s force majeure. A mistress is not a wife, the status is different. A mistress’s destiny is to sit and wait for people to come to her and pay attention to her. Of course, you can express regret, but you can’t start a quarrel with tears, “You don’t love me, so go off to your chicken-e-e!”
A wife or mistress is the most difficult choice in a man’s life. The best thing you can do for him is to leave the guy alone. Let him decide for himself. And he will make his choice. Whether it is correct or not is the tenth matter. Just gloat, “It’s your own fault, you asshole, that’s the way it should be!” stupid.
Otherwise, he will find a third option and will be happy with neither one nor the other. Well, then who will be left with nothing?
Margarita Lopukhova
Expert
Family psychologist. For 8 years I have been saving “family units” from disintegration. I help couples find love and understanding again.
Men cheat for a variety of reasons. Often for years they cannot decide who they want to be with: a wife or a mistress. We can safely say that most of them are content to “sit on two chairs” and play on two fronts at once: when at home there is a cozy wife, and outside of it there is a passionate lover, ready for anything. But girls who are in the role of mistress often fall for the bait of such husbands. They believe the man’s promises to divorce them soon and finally marry them. This can last for years - and this is the most common situation. A man does not want to choose between his wife and his mistress. He is quite happy with everything as it is.
Message from the Editor
Did you like the information in the article? We really hope so! And at the end of the article - the “cherry” on the cake. Let us give you one more unusual fact. Statistics show that today about 23% of all couples who met on the Internet enter into happy marriages. This is no small number. Online dating is gaining momentum every year. Almost all modern boys and girls have dating apps on their phones. Society does not stand still, and this also applies to dating. So let's develop ourselves in the topic of relationships and dating together!
Is it possible
Can a man love his mistress and his wife at the same time? Psychologists agree that this is impossible. Why does a person think differently? He thinks this because he confuses some feelings with others.
Passion on the side always manages to evoke intense feelings of passion in a man, otherwise he would not sleep with her. In this case, a man often confuses the feeling of passion with the feeling of love, falling into the trap of illusion.
It happens that a man perceives his mistress as ideal, due to the absence of certain negative qualities that are present in his legal wife. Thinking that she is a perfect woman because of missing qualities is a very big mistake.
It also happens that a man believes that he has fallen in love with his mistress because he feels happy with her. My wife and I have not had this feeling for a long time. The girl on the side always knows how to behave and what to do so that the man maintains communication with her. But it would be delusional to consider this way of solving your problems as a manifestation of love.
What makes a husband think that he loves his wife?
- Feels guilty for his behavior in front of his wife. Just like he feels pity, which he confuses with a manifestation of love.
- The respect that the wife has earned over many years of married life, helping and rescuing him in different situations, accepting him as he is. A man shows respect to the woman who has accepted him.
- He is addicted to his wife, from which he experiences fear of divorce, thereby also confusing fear with the manifestation of feelings.
