Why is virtual space so attractive?
Man is designed in such a way that he needs to constantly improve himself. If someone believes that he has reached the desired level of development and stops there, then he will degrade and not freeze in his current state.
But moving forward and developing a person as an individual requires not only time, but also significant effort. In addition, you want to immediately see the result and celebrate your progress.
To seem, not to be
There is a temptation to take a shortcut: not to become, but to appear better. You can be anyone on the Internet. Why go to the gym and limit yourself to food when you can find a cute photo and pass it off as yours? You don’t need to take care of yourself; in the virtual world they won’t notice that you haven’t brushed your teeth for 3 days.
And although it may seem like it helps you become better in life and achieve good results, in reality this is not the case at all. This is a fast path to the abyss of disappointment and self-destruction.
Communication by mood
It is easier to communicate with virtual interlocutors. A bad mood or irritation after a hard day will not be noticeable in intonation or caustic words. When a conversation is conducted in writing, there is time to think about your words. And the fact that the other person does not see us in a vulnerable state gives us a feeling of security and calms us down.
If you are not in the mood to communicate, you won’t have to listen to dissatisfaction live. You always have escape routes. And you don’t have to worry about the feelings and emotions of your interlocutor, unless, of course, you are communicating in the real world.
Communication without obligations
Virtual communication is also attractive because it almost never has consequences. You can simply delete your page on a social network and create a new one, leaving old friends wondering in the past.
Virtual love is also safe from the point of view of contraception: sexual diseases are not transmitted over the Internet and the risk of unwanted pregnancy is zero.
Anonymity
Anonymity also protects against condemnation and public censure. If any desires or preferences seem shameful to you, you will almost certainly find like-minded people online.
Imaginary freedom
You can invent any personality for yourself, give it a name, character, habits, preferences. This fictional person will quickly make friends, he will lead a more interesting life, and have virtual sex. Most likely, he will do what you yourself would like to do, but for some reason it doesn’t work out for you. This is a very dangerous path from a psychological point of view. By plunging so deeply into the image of another character, a person risks losing himself.
How to survive your husband's virtual affair?
According to the psychotherapist, a virtual romance often ends in real adultery. Simply because it is no longer possible to stop and at some point words turn into deeds. It is interesting that the need for real feelings prevails among women: modern ladies are more prone to risk and real betrayal than representatives of the stronger sex. “If we translate everything into legal terms, then virtual treason is just an intention to kill, and real treason is an already committed crime,” says Olga Golosova. — For intention to turn into action, you need a combination of circumstances and special determination. As a rule, men over forty have enough of it, which cannot be said about their younger “colleagues”. Many clients, especially older ladies, who came to me with the problem of their husband’s virtual infidelity, eventually found out that he did not limit himself only to sex on Skype, but also met the girl in person.”
How should the injured party behave in this unpleasant situation? There is little universal advice - each family and the relationships in it are too individual.
“First of all, the main commandment of modern marriage: never get into your spouse’s phone, tablet or computer! - Olga Golosova is convinced. — There is a concept of personal boundaries, and they are sacred for every person. Any violation of them has a destructive effect: you can’t save relationships by spying and eavesdropping. The habit of reading other people’s correspondence on the phone is a psychological diagnosis. This indicates increased anxiety, lack of self-confidence, and low self-esteem. Secondly, if you have already found frivolous correspondence between your husband and another woman, then do not rush to bring him into the open and create a scandal. One of my clients regularly threw away her husband’s phones, finding messages there from her mistresses. This did not help her much in her family life. In a state of passion, it is better not to do anything. Emotions speak in you: anger, resentment, jealousy, disappointment, perhaps even envy. You just need to breathe, think, “sleep” with this thought. Can't sleep at home? Go to people close to you, to those who can support you. In the morning, when the state of passion passes, sit down and answer the questions for yourself on a piece of paper: “Why am I living with this man? What do I want from this marriage? What could be the reason for his virtual betrayal? Remember the last time you praised your husband, admired him and his successes. When did he praise you? Try to evaluate your family life - what is missing from it? Decide what you want: divorce or live together? After this, you can talk to your husband. The most effective way of communication in this situation is an “I-message”, a confession of one’s feelings, and not an accusation of the interlocutor: “Having read your correspondence, I felt resentment and grief, because I love you. I'm sorry I read this because now it hurts." Listen to your husband, ask how he feels, why he needs a virtual connection with another woman. It is important to find out what he is missing in his marriage. No insults or reproaches. This is much more difficult than just yelling and shaming. Sometimes you just can’t have a conversation with your husband—you’re overwhelmed by feelings: a spasm in your throat, tears welling up, your blood pressure jumping. Then it’s better to just seek professional help from a psychologist.”
Two years have passed since the day I saw my husband’s messages to Larisa. The consequences are still being felt today. Firstly, I experienced more than one panic attack when my husband stayed longer than necessary in the toilet with his phone. Yes, I understand intellectually that, most likely, he is mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, but my imagination persistently draws another virtual mistress. Secondly, the topic of sex on the Internet is now closed to me for a long time. Previously, I myself was very good at this art of omissions, hints, ellipses, exchanges of provocative remarks and bold photographs. But now what seemed cute to me seems vulgar, and my husband’s emoticons after every phrase are disgusting. Although sometimes I answer him in the same playful spirit, without experiencing any passion or excitement. Just so that he doesn’t have the desire to “play” with someone else again.
Virtual betrayal – what is it anyway?
Everything described above creates the illusion of impunity. Maybe virtual treason is not treason at all? Everything is possible on the Internet. Even what is prohibited by law. You just need to find a way to get to closed sites. You don't have to be a genius programmer to bypass standard locks.
And pop-up ads often encourage us to break the rules of morality, let our desires happen and have virtual sex. Skillfully composed texts muffle the voice of conscience and reason. Therefore, it seems that everything is fine, as it should be.
Communication with other women attracts men. If in real life you need to spend money on your mistress: go to restaurants, buy her flowers and gifts, pay for a taxi, then on the Internet it is much easier to start communication.
Moreover, most people are very shy, they have difficulty making new acquaintances. What can we say about using hints to understand whether a woman is ready to become a mistress. Therefore, virtual love can be more economical for the family budget.
And online, this obstacle is easily removed. Refusal is no longer taken so seriously. And there are a million applicants, there is always someone to choose from.
As in life, virtual relationships begin innocently enough. So we met and started talking about our interests. And it begins to seem that you are like-minded people, no one understands you as much as an unknown interlocutor. And you receive support from him (only in words), attention, sympathy.
And your mind creates an image of a real person, endowing him with only positive qualities. How can you not get carried away?
And at the first opportunity, your husband checks messages, writes something furtively, and has set multi-level passwords on his phone and computer. And you feel him moving away. When you ask about who he communicates with and about what, he avoids answering and accuses you of encroaching on his personal space.
Communication smoothly flows into a more intimate direction. And now your husband is aroused not by you, but by a stranger. She differs from a real mistress in that your husband did not have sexual relations with her. But they could easily have exchanged personal photographs.
Pros and cons of virtual passion
What does virtual dating mean, should you be afraid? Virtual communication certainly has its advantages. A variety of partners, the ability to easily find people with similar interests. Convenience - the chance to have several novels at the same time without leaving home. Saving - no spending on expensive gifts, dinners at a restaurant, cinema tickets, travel. The entire simple arsenal of an online boyfriend is a couple of compliments, cute pictures, well-worn quotes and emoticons. Just get rid of your annoying interlocutor in one click without quarrels, explanations, or discussions. No obligations, restrictions, complete freedom of action.
Anonymity, the opportunity to create an ideal image under a mysterious nickname, to make a pleasant impression by posing as a stranger - excellent soil for flirting, which can develop into virtual infidelity. This side of the coin is so attractive that some believe that virt is harmless fun, entertainment, a way to relax after a hard day at work.
Disadvantages: the interlocutor is usually married. A long-term relationship leads to emotional addiction, idealization, trust in a fictional image, the illusion of kinship, and falling in love. It seems that the person on the other side of the monitor is more attentive, understanding, and tolerant than the legal spouse. Remember, it’s easier for us to open up, talk about problems, experiences to a stranger, a random fellow traveler, than to our loved ones. This brings strangers together and creates the illusion of a “soul mate.”
Virtual communication is a surrogate for real communication, based on imagination and instincts.
It is addictive, addictive, when real life seems paler, duller, more monotonous, and a fictional character imperceptibly displaces and oppresses the real person.
There is also a threat of cooling off towards a real partner. Unpleasant fame in the form of the hero of a video on YouTube, if a person used a camera, microphone or distributed screenshots of correspondence, photographs with offensive comments among friends, if the computer was hacked by hackers. There are known cases of extortion of large sums for non-dissemination of indecent details of online dating. Perhaps a recent casual acquaintance will turn out to be one of the manic admirers who will begin to terrorize with calls, threaten, and stalk. The anonymity factor does not guarantee personal safety, since it is easy to calculate all the necessary data, including the home address thanks to the user’s IP address.
What kind of beast is “virtual sex”?
Virtual sex is the process of obtaining sexual satisfaction without the direct participation of a partner, but he is in touch: either writing messages, or talking on the phone or via a webcam.
Messages
A man can engage in self-satisfaction just by texting with his virtual mistress. By the way, it may be quite real, it’s just that this time they diversified the format of their meetings.
They exchange intimate information, simulating sexual intercourse. Virtual love seems like a real passion, but outside the Internet these people would hardly be attracted to each other.
Phone sex
This is not the latest invention in the sex industry, but the development of communications and the Internet has made it easier and more accessible. Even if the service is provided on a paid basis, the wife may not suspect anything.
Essentially this is sexual communication using the voice. The dialogue is structured as if two lovers are currently having sex.
Video conference
This is a more progressive type of communication after voice. You can not only hear your interlocutor, but also see him in detail. There are many paid sites where girls will willingly help a man achieve orgasm and show themselves from any side.
When to be wary
Psychologists highlight Is Chatting Cheating? Several alarm bells indicate that sexting is clearly going beyond the boundaries of harmless entertainment.
- A person constantly corresponds with the same virtual partner.
- Exchanging frank messages becomes something of an addiction, it takes a lot of time and effort, draws on emotions and warmth that could be invested in the main relationship with a real partner.
- The cheater has an unbearable desire to turn virtual relationships into real ones. It doesn't matter whether it's sex or platonic communication.
- Sexting has grown into heart-to-heart communication, and the degree of trust and intimacy is very high.
- This situation seems wrong to you, it hurts, it destroys trust in your partner.
If this happens, it means that this format of relationship in your couple is impossible, and the “cheater” should give up sexting on the side. Or break off relations with a regular partner and completely surrender to experiments.
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