How to deal with your ex at work: 7 common mistakes and ways to avoid them

1. Spread gossip 2. Declare war 3. Hide, shut down, quit 4. Knock out a wedge with a wedge 5. Try to become the best 6. Carry on chases, persecutions 7. Ignore How to behave correctly

The office romance has come to an end, but we need to continue working. Or, after a noisy corporate party, you found yourself in the same bed with a co-worker, and in the morning you realized that it was just sex, and there would be no relationship. Or you ended up sharing a job with your ex-husband. Sound familiar?

Such situations happen quite often. The most important thing is to come out of them with dignity and not make mistakes. We'll tell you what to do if you work with your ex at the same job.

What to do if you find yourself in an awkward situation at work

• Have an affair outside the office. A new relationship will help you forget your ex.
• Go on a short trip. Adventures, new places, experiences are a great way to reboot.
• Update your wardrobe. Nothing lifts your spirits like a new dress or shoes.
• Change your hairstyle. This will make you get used to the new image and you won’t want to go back to the past.
• Sign up for courses: language learning, drawing, sculpting, yoga. Everything that interests you and that you have long wanted to master, but never got around to. Self-development and passion for something help to cope with depression.

Whiplash: distract yourself with a new relationship?

There is a “folk wisdom” that new relationships help take your mind off old ones.
It is a fact. Just don’t do everything “for show”: you shouldn’t perceive your new relationship as revenge, advertise it or shout to everyone at work that it’s not serious (or, conversely, serious) - this will not lead to anything good. Yes, and who knows, maybe a new hobby will become that “real” one? There is nothing wrong with losing yourself in a new relationship, you just need to understand and respect your partner’s feelings without “sacrificing” his feelings. Ideally, of course, so that a new relationship does not begin to develop at work and does not become another office romance.

If he is an ex-husband

It happens. We work together, get married, and then get divorced, but no one wants to change jobs. What to do and how to behave with your ex-husband in this situation?

• Firstly, at work, for all your colleagues, you are a professional, not an ex-wife. Surely, back in the days when your co-worker was your husband, you tried to treat him not like a husband during working hours. Now behave the same way, reducing everything to fulfilling your work duties.
• Secondly, do not resolve any general personal issues with him at work: division of property, raising children, alimony.
• Thirdly, do not notify your colleagues and ex-husband, including new events in your life.
• Remember that you are at work.

The relationship will be incomplete if you continue to sort things out with your ex-husband. If conflicts begin to become frequent, and you are unable to control it, then try to at least move them outside of work hours.

No one is immune from an unsuccessful office romance. And if after a breakup you have no choice but to work with your ex-boyfriend or husband, then be patient and courageously overcome this situation.

Minuses

• Old relationships prevent you from moving forward . The overwhelming majority of women who seek to resume communication with a former lover subconsciously want to restore this relationship. In their imagination, they repeatedly simulate the situation, how they start all over again, avoiding old mistakes. And this, unfortunately, teaches a woman to live in the past and closes her to new relationships.
• Reliving old emotions . When communicating with a former lover, old memories and past grievances will pop up from time to time, and this causes a woman to become dissatisfied with herself, suppresses her, and sometimes can even cause depression. Very rarely there is a painless story behind the separation of two people. If the relationship was full of love and passion, then the breakup was also dramatic. And a woman, like a man, needs some time to heal mental wounds.
• Lack of energy . To recover after a breakup, organize a new life and new relationships, as well as to find inner harmony, a woman needs a supply of vital energy. If it is spent on a former lover, then there will be very little energy left for yourself, children, friends, relatives, and favorite activities.
• Wasting time . Time is the most precious resource that cannot be restored. Time passes quickly, and with it comes youth, energy, dreams and plans, new perspectives. You need to be very rational in spending your time. Is there a need to spend it on communicating with a person if the relationship with him was terminated? And it is obvious that there was a good reason for such a step. Therefore, instead of wasting precious time stepping on the same old rake, isn’t it better to do something that will bring spiritual or material benefits in the near future - take advanced training courses, study a foreign language, or devote yourself to drawing, which is always difficult for you? there was enough time.
• Life in illusions . Restoring communication with a former lover, a woman is looking for reasons to restore the relationship. Looking for a reason for new meetings, each time she is again disappointed in her dreams. Those wonderful relationships that were at the beginning of the relationship will never be restored.
• Former lovers will never become good friends . This is especially worth remembering for women. Sometimes under “friendship” they disguise an unfinished romance, an internal desire to return everything all over again.
• Communication with a former lover can ruin a new relationship . If a new man has appeared in a woman’s life, then it is advisable to reduce communication with former lovers to zero. The new guy is unlikely to calmly watch his girlfriend interact with the old one. And often such a situation can provoke a break in a relationship that has just begun.
• Nothing but sex . Sex without obligations is precisely this incentive that forces former male lovers to restore communication with a woman. However, women are looking for emotional relationships. And such communication can drag on for years, and the woman will not get what she was striving for and will remain disappointed.
• The ex-lover is a “narcissist” . Men who have pronounced “narcissism” and a sense of ownership are more happy about the restoration of communication after a breakup. Mostly men do not want to communicate with their ex after a breakup. But if a man takes the initiative to establish friendly relations immediately after a breakup, then you should think hard about the deviation in his personality. Such people cannot let a woman go, seeing how she is “exhausted” by such uncertainty of the relationship and the lack of further prospects. For such men, it is important to see the humiliation of a woman through the search for approaches to restoring relationships.
• The ex-lover may well turn out to be a psychopath . This type of man willingly agrees to communicate after a breakup has occurred. And then a “surprise” awaits the woman in the form of endless hysterics, extortion of attention to herself, jealousy, blackmail and threats. It is very difficult to recognize a psychopath at the beginning of a relationship. And, as a rule, signs of mental disorders appear already during separation.

How to behave if you and a colleague are having a serious affair

By spending a lot of time together, working on common problems, colleagues sometimes begin to develop sympathy or even deeper feelings for each other. As a result, finding themselves in a non-work environment, co-workers can confess their mutual sympathy to each other and begin to date. Considering that by this time employees have time to get to know a potential partner well, observing his relationship with his boss, subordinates, friends and relatives, the chance of not being disappointed in the chosen one is quite high. Such relationships can develop into something more, but there is still a possibility that in his personal life a person will show himself somewhat differently than in a work environment, and the relationship will not work out. Therefore, caution is still needed. Following a few rules will help you avoid trouble.

1. Do not rush to share with your colleagues your joy in connection with your relationship with a colleague. Firstly, someone else may like him, and then they will start putting spokes in your wheels. Secondly, you can still run away, eventually becoming objects of idle gossip. It is better to try to avoid all this. Immediately agree with your partner not to advertise your relationship.
2. Don’t discuss personal problems at work, leave your intimate life outside the office. This rule will not only help mask your connection, but will also allow you not to air your dirty laundry in public if disagreements arise between you. This strategy will prevent management from suspecting that your affair with a colleague is interfering with your work.
3. In a work environment, communicate with your lover in an official business tone, allowing yourself to be addressed as “you” only in private or in an informal setting.
4. Do not prioritize the distribution of responsibilities and attention for personal reasons. The selection criteria must be clear and within the business scope.
5. If you have misunderstandings in your relationship with your lover, you should not share your experiences with one of your colleagues. You don’t allow them to penetrate your personal life, even for friendly reasons.
6. Do not discuss your lover with your workmates, unless it is about his business profile, the preparation of which is part of your job responsibilities.

The principles of separating personal and business spheres of life should be adhered to even if your affair with a colleague ends in marriage and you become legal spouses. True, the fact that you are now husband and wife will no longer be hidden.

You can learn about the pros and cons of an office romance from a separate material published earlier on our resource.

History: office romance. Working together after breaking up?

Office romance is not a rare phenomenon. But like any other relationship, it can end. This raises the question: how to work together with your ex? How can a woman get through this difficult test?

Going to work is like hard labor

Just yesterday this man was, firstly, your beloved, and only, secondly, a colleague. However, the relationship did not work out, and now you are forced to see him every day at work. For any woman in a similar situation, this is simply unbearable, especially at first. Not only is it painful to stay near the object of love (or former love) all day long, but also the attitude of the colleagues around you to everything that happens. Among them there are always those who will gloat, smirking and asking you questions about your breakup. The problem will be deeper if this colleague is your ex-husband. How to act so as not to worsen the situation?

Should I ignore it?

For most women in such a situation, the decision that immediately comes to mind is to write a letter of resignation and start looking for a new job. She has no idea how to work with her ex-husband or boyfriend at work. However, not everyone can afford to be left without income for at least a short period.

A good salary, to which you are unlikely to be able to grow in a new job in a short time, as well as the team to which you are accustomed, can also hold you back. The woman decides to stay in her previous place, and in order not to suffer from the presence of her former lover, she begins to simply ignore him. But is this the right decision? Ignoring is not a way to protect yourself. This is a sign of weakness.

How to work with your ex

No matter how many times they repeat that office romance ends funny only in films, almost everyone has had something similar. And then comes that awkward moment when the relationship is over, but you have to work somehow. Another incident happens: we met in a completely different format, ran away, almost forgot, or vice versa, the heart wounds are still fresh, and suddenly there is a newcomer to the office. Exactly the one (or she) whom you least want to see every day! How to behave? The main thing, according to psychologist Natalya Shevchenko, is not to make one of the five classic mistakes.

No. 1. Quit.

Why? Is it worth it? Of course, psychological comfort is important, but if you work in a good job with a decent salary and prospects for career growth, you can’t just give up everything. If there was an “office romance” and your personal life has already mixed with work, you shouldn’t let it harm your future. In addition, separation is stressful; there is no need to aggravate it with the stress of changing jobs.

How to cope? Postpone the “escape.” Tell yourself that you will write a letter of resignation, but only when you have exhausted all other ways to get out of this situation. Perhaps in a year you will remember with a laugh how you wanted to quit everything, but now the person in the next office no longer means anything to you - just an employee.

No. 2. Fight.

Why? Sometimes the first instinct tells you that the “ex-partner” needs to survive. Or maybe the breakup was simply so painful that you don’t want to say a kind word, but unkind phrases, “insults” and lists of sins have accumulated. Especially if you were not the initiator of the breakup. Here it is - a reason to express everything to the “traitor”. If you decide to openly quarrel, be prepared for the fact that some of your work colleagues will support your “ex.” People love “romance series”, so they will try to find out the details of your breakup, and also gossip about which of you is to blame, and place bets on “who will win.” In order not to be left alone “under fire”, you will have to start your own support group. And soon they were divided into parts as fans of different teams. Do you need it? Or “yours” will start having a nice conversation with the “ex” in order to still establish a working relationship, and you will feel deceived.

How to cope? Even if you parted as enemies, try not to sort things out, and also not to insult each other in front of someone. This is simply contrary to business ethics and will ultimately harm everyone. Avoiding frequent contact is enough - and much calmer for the nervous system. And if you need to speak out about work, speak without getting personal. No “you’ll wear out anyone’s nerves” or “he’s still a bungler.”

Even if you have a good opinion of your ex-partner, don't be surprised if he starts to quarrel first. People change, nerves break in a stressful situation. There are times when the “enemy” begins to report to his superiors about the ex-partner’s mistakes in work, lateness and other mistakes. Try to do your job flawlessly so that no one can undermine you.

No. 3. Trying to start all over again.

Why? Of course, feelings cannot be turned off with a snap of your fingers. And if you see a person every day, they can come to life - and nostalgia will wash over you. Let's say a business relationship has been established, and the ex-partner behaves quite correctly. You may begin to become re-fascinated by the qualities that once attracted you. And – the strategy of seduction or “capture” begins. You dress up for work as if for a holiday, catch every word of such an important person for you, ignore work assignments and dissatisfied glances from your superiors, trying to catch his eye... You see hints in such prosaic phrases as “We were instructed to make a presentation together” or “ You have a report ready.” Not only does this hassle knock you out of working order, the “ex” will also soon feel that “hunting season” is open for him. If he is ready to return, there will be a happy ending, but for some reason they happen mainly in Hollywood films. In other cases, this person has already forgotten you, he has unpleasant memories, or he has someone now and does not want to change anything. The more expectations and attempts to hold on one side, the greater the desire to break free and tension on the other. The maximum is for the person to quit. But this is not the case when this is exactly what you want.

How to cope? Control yourself. A few hints, a demonstration that you care about the person, you miss him and are ready to forget all past troubles - maximum. If a person understands and does not react to these “advances,” why become a laughing stock among his colleagues (the story of Olenka “in creepy roses” from “Office Romance” is always modern). If he doesn’t understand point-blank, why do you need such a “blind” partner?

No. 4. “Have an affair” before his eyes

Why? Maybe you have long wanted revenge. And - here it is, a wonderful case: the “ex” will not go anywhere, and will be forced to contemplate your happiness with someone else. To do this, you will have to start a new “office romance”, and even demonstrate it quite openly. By the way, sometimes this is also done by those who want to return a person by inflaming jealousy in him. But if you knock out wedge with wedge, the relationship will also turn out... clinical. Almost no one manages to build something serious “for show”. As a result, you will remain in a company with two ex-partners. Don't expect them to organize your fan club. More often, there are unions of offended, revengeful women (if you are a man) or unions of men drinking peacefully together and hinting to others about your inappropriate behavior (if you are a woman).

How to cope? Give up with all your heart the desire to return love or fight to the death (see #2 and #3), and then this option will not even occur to you.

No. 5. Consider him “your person”

Why? There have been many cultures in world history where multiple sexual relationships were encouraged: it was believed that people had become related and would now help each other more, protect each other more faithfully, and in the end everyone would benefit. The same fantasy arises in some people who meet someone at work whom they “know as a flaky guy.” What should you hide from a person you saw naked and remember which side he likes to sleep on? Once you trusted him, then something went wrong, and now all that remains are just pleasant memories and trust, as if in a relative. More often, such an illusion occurs in someone who has broken off a relationship. And he easily makes business proposals, because he remembers a person’s strengths and weaknesses, tries to find out about local intrigues, confides in unseemly secrets and asks for help. It’s worth taking a closer look first - with all the outward goodwill, the person could have a grudge against you. And everything is not as cloudless in his memories as in yours. And even if he is above revenge, then he will decide to kick your pride without a twinge of conscience.

How to cope? Stay within the bounds of professional communication. Try to build a relationship (we are talking purely about business relationships) anew, as if you knew this person recently. After all, it may have changed dramatically over the years. And even if the ex-partner is still the same, sex is not a reason to demand any services or favors. And if a person still has fresh feelings for you, and you don’t need it, taking advantage of this is simply manipulation unworthy of you. Repeat the mantra: “it’s just a colleague.”