End previous relationships
If you moved your things to another apartment, put a divorce stamp in your passport, or officially announced the separation on social networks, this does not mean that the relationship is over.
They continue while you return to the situation over and over again, look through photos, spy on your ex-love on the Internet. You won’t be able to quickly forget about the past; this will take some time. The Lifehacker Telegram channel contains only the best texts about technology, relationships, sports, cinema and much more. Subscribe!
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When a flower is transplanted into another pot, at first it withers in the new conditions, even though there is more space and better soil. He needs time to adjust and blossom. People are more complex, so you need it too.
Focus on taking care of yourself first and take your time. Move at your own pace. If you don't get over the pain of your previous relationship, a new one will only add to your problems.
Oleg Ivanov
psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Social Conflict Resolution
Before starting a new relationship after a divorce or separation, wait a little. Or a lot - it depends on how hard the breakup was for you. In my opinion, if a relationship lasted several years, then you should start building a new one no earlier than a year after the breakup.
Experiences within the normal range
Any new experience in life is stressful. Let it be small and let it be positive. But, whatever one may say, novelty is always scary.
Stable and harmonious relationships imply interaction, an exchange of time, feelings, energy that cannot be compared with anything. Therefore, each of your experiences is unique.
If all the questions that come to your mind are “Does he really like me?”, “How does this dress fit on me?”, “Am I too intrusive?” - this is also normal.
The main thing is that doubts disappear on a date. So that they do not become the background of your communication. And you don’t need to tear your hair out if he doesn’t call for an hour or reschedules the meeting (and in advance).
Save yourself and do something. He doesn't have to call every half hour. And, if he really likes you, he will still do it when the opportunity arises.
Recover from injury
Breaking up a relationship is traumatic for both parties involved. It doesn’t matter who initiated it, why you broke up, or whether there are reasons for joy and relief. It will hurt. Putting on a brave face and pretending you don't care is not the best choice. Ignoring the problem cannot heal mental wounds.
Nadezhda Efremova
psychotherapist
It is necessary to restore yourself, starting with basic needs. First, establish a sleep and nutrition routine. As soon as the basic segments return to normal, you can begin to move towards communication with loved ones. Don't rush to make new acquaintances right away. First you need to feel the ground under your feet again and lick your wounds next to those with whom you can be vulnerable and from whom you can receive love and care. And only after that, gradually go out into society and add new hobbies and activities.
Work on your self-esteem
Breaking up hurts your self-esteem. You may doubt your attractiveness, scold yourself for not being able to maintain the relationship, and feel guilty. All this makes you vulnerable. You can rush into a new relationship to prove to yourself and your past love that you are still great. Or, conversely, be afraid that no one will love you anymore, and start dating just anyone.
Andrey Smirnov
psychotherapist
After the end of a relationship, a person is often overcome by the fear of loneliness, the inability to live without someone’s support. Such fears are mostly irrational and can be overcome quite easily when communicating with a psychologist. The first thing you need to realize is that no one is irreplaceable and there is absolutely always the opportunity to find a more suitable partner.
It is possible that you will not be looking for a person, but for a function - someone who will help you forget, survive, and become different from your past love. And it’s not a fact that such relationships will help you recover and be productive.
Many people are so unable to withstand the pain of a breakup that they almost immediately decide to move into a new relationship. This story is very much like walking on thin ice. And in fact, there is no resource in it - continuous internal tension. Starting a new relationship from a state where everything hurts and bleeds is like running with a broken leg and pretending you're fine.
Nadezhda Efremova
When you leave a long-term relationship, it takes time to understand the new rules of the game. You haven’t flirted seriously for a long time, you’ve gotten older. The old templates no longer work. We'll have to figure out what has changed in the world and how Tinder works.
Forget relationships that didn't work out
Regrets are useless! Relationships end for a reason, there is always a reason, whether you want to admit it or not. Maybe you or your partner didn't give enough to the relationship to grow, or maybe the timing wasn't right. One way or another, your ex is no longer with you, and all that time you spent regretting, you could use to prepare for a new relationship, perhaps "the one." Still, forgetting a failed relationship, especially one that ended very recently, can be very difficult, but it is very important for those who want to live in the present and move forward in any circumstances.
Learn to live alone
In a long relationship, you somehow get used to your partner, somewhere giving in to him, somewhere giving up your desires and habits. Loneliness is a great opportunity to return to the original version of yourself. It will not be possible to reset your personality to basic settings, and this is not necessary: you have matured, gained experience and changed. Now you can afford to decide on your own desires, plans and aspirations without regard to your partner’s opinion.
The theory of halves sounds nice. But it’s better to come into a relationship whole and build it with an equally self-sufficient partner.
Before starting a new relationship, take care of your own well-being, career, and health. If a person is successful and independent, a queue of potential partners forms for him. And he slowly chooses with whom he is more comfortable. So after the end of the relationship, it is best to live without a partner for some time and strengthen your own position. This does not mean that you need to abandon all meetings. They provide great emotional support, even if they do not lead to the creation of relationships.
Andrey Smirnov
How to start a new relationship?
Breakup, no matter what it is, is a serious stress for a person. If couples who have been dating for six months or a year break up, then starting a new relationship is certainly easier than for people who have gone through a divorce and lived together for several years. But how can you decide to start meeting other people and overcome the fear of new relationships?
• Firstly, enough time must pass for the woman or man to develop the desire to meet new love
Don’t rush things, don’t torment yourself that you’re alone. After all, your goal is not just to be with someone, you have already had the bitter experience of failed relationships.
• Secondly, change your environment
To lift your spirits and feel like life goes on, take a vacation. You need to travel as far from your city as possible, at least for a few days. Even if it’s a weekend at the dacha, the main thing is a change of scenery.
• The next step is to carry out a complete rearrangement of the apartment and a change of wardrobe
Carefully go through things related to your ex-spouse. If these are things that are not absolutely necessary, then get rid of them and give them to the poor. On the one hand, you will do some general cleaning, and on the other hand, you will put your thoughts in order and fill at least a couple of days with active activities.
• After this, look at yourself in the mirror. Get yourself in order
Consider changing your image. If you haven’t bought yourself anything new for a long time and have been saving your family budget, then it’s time to spend your salary on yourself. You should look good, because you are worthy of love and, more than ever, you need compliments from the opposite sex.
• An important step is to find a passion, a hobby.
It’s good if it’s related to sports: aerobics, Pilates, martial arts, self-defense courses and kickboxing will perfectly help you throw out unnecessary negative emotions.
• One of the conditions for continued well-being after a breakup is to completely “let go” of your grievances and disappointments.
If you were unable to talk to your ex-spouse, then write a letter addressed to him.
You don’t have to actually send it, just express in writing all your complaints against him and at the end write that you forgive him and wish him nothing but the best. This way you yourself will feel relief and make room for new acquaintances, new relationships and new love.
Try to start all over again, and even if it won’t be easy, but now you simply have to become a happy person.
Work on bugs
There is usually a reason for a breakup, even if you separated peacefully and without tragedy. To avoid repeating the same mistakes in your next relationship, you need to understand where you took a wrong turn. Moreover, this is not at all about reshaping oneself to a generally accepted standard. On the contrary, you have to understand yourself and accept yourself in order to choose more suitable people.
Alexander Bodrov
psychologist-consultant, coach
Ideally, no matter how trivial it may sound, you should go to a psychologist or psychotherapist to sort this out together with a specialist. Very often, a break in a relationship follows a repeating scenario. And working together with a psychologist will help you find and understand the internal reasons that draw you into this scenario and trigger destructive relationships.
In addition, pay attention to possible mistakes in interaction with your partner. There are things that are easy to learn. But many people ignore them because they simply don’t think that it was possible. For example, it is not necessary to demand telepathic abilities from your partner, and then be offended that he could not read thoughts. If you accept that this is impossible and express your desires and feelings, life will become much easier.
To protect yourself from repeating the previous scenario, you need to take time to work on your mistakes. For example, to realize where the merger occurred and which of the partners completely dissolved themselves in the other. Maybe at some point they were too lazy to talk about the conflict, and the breakup is just the result of a resentment that did not find a way out. After a detailed analysis, you can see the points that need adjustment. If you don’t do this, then you can, with the grace of a hippopotamus, run into a similar relationship and go to a new round of the same scenario, just with a different person.
Nadezhda Efremova
Overall, it is important to remember that everyone is different and the way you interact with a new partner will be different.
With a new person, ordinary techniques and habits will not work. There is no need to communicate with him in the same way as you are used to talking with your ex-husband or wife. Don’t idealize your new partner; try to see a real person with all his strengths and weaknesses.
Oleg Ivanov
