It’s unpleasant to meet you, or 8 rules on how not to behave when meeting for the first time

How to behave when meeting an unpleasant ex?

Meeting an ex-boyfriend is not always a pleasant event. If you were unable to avoid a collision with an unpleasant ex-boyfriend, then you can choose one of the following tactics:

• Greet him dryly, say that you are in a hurry, and leave.
• If there are other people nearby with whom it would be appropriate to strike up a conversation (for example, at an event), then talk to them, and in such a way that it is clear that it would be tactless for anyone else to insert themselves into this conversation.
• If a man is intrusive and tries to ask you something that you would not like to share, then there is nothing wrong with directly telling him that you broke up, and you no longer have the desire to be frank with him, or even communicate.
• If you have a companion with you (ideally your new beau), then demonstrate that you are very passionate about the conversation with him and do not want to be distracted by your ex.

Date with your ex

There are many reasons why people break up after months or even years of marriage. Most often, breakups are final, but sometimes your ex-beloved invites you on a date. a date with your ex promise you , and is it worth going on it at all? After a breakup, it is impossible to remain friends with the person you loved.

. Of course, there are exceptions, but in most cases communication stops forever. And then one day your ex-boyfriend or husband appears in your life again and invites you on a date. Another possible scenario is when you are the initiator of the meeting. There can be many reasons for dating, but most often it is an attempt to return to the old relationship.

There is no need to deceive yourself, so immediately ask yourself if you want this relationship again

? Even if you want your old relationship back after all this time, are you sure your ex has changed? Remember the reason for the separation and whose initiative it was.

Women are quite easy to manipulate

, and men understand this very well. Emotions can always take over, you will succumb to a moment of weakness, and then after a couple of months you will regret that you let him into your life again. But there was an opportunity to nip your suffering in the bud. But for this you didn’t have to agree to this date with your ex or at least act quite aloof.

Let's look at how to behave on a date with your ex. It's very simple: you need to stay calm and be yourself.

. You will no longer deceive the person sitting opposite you. He knows your character and demeanor, so there is no need to dress up as a vamp when you are truly modest. Be as natural as possible and have a casual conversation.

You definitely need to watch how you talk or react to his words. Never show your feelings

, even if you still have them. It is unlikely that you will be able to return the relationship, and if this happens, then most likely you will no longer be happy with it, and it will not last long.

You can't touch your ex

. Even the smallest touch, done inadvertently, can play a cruel joke on you. Not only that, emotions may awaken in you again, which you are unlikely to be able to quickly cope with. The man will think that you feel bad without him, and your touch will be regarded as an attempt to restore the relationship. If this date was arranged specifically for the purpose of becoming a couple again, then it will be very difficult for you to resist the temptation.

Another question: what to talk about on a date with your ex? You will naturally want to know how his life turned out after your separation. No matter how great the temptation, do not be interested in his life

. And try to talk less about your life without him. Depending on what goal a man is pursuing, he himself will say everything he wants. If he wants to get you back, then he will talk about how he found a good well-paid job or was promoted, that he now earns a lot of money, bought himself a car or an apartment. You don’t need to believe these words, you’re not naive. It is unlikely that all these changes occurred in his life. And if they really did take place, was he really only thinking about getting you back all this time? Don't even hope for it. The situation is that he has not changed at all, but he decided to return to you, since the new relationship did not work out.

Once you figure out the reason for this "first" date, think about what exactly you want

. If you think sensibly, then do not give in to temptation and simply end the date on this note. Thank you for the invitation and conversation and leave. Your date is over. But if you give in to your feelings, then your date will have a logical continuation. And then, perhaps, your relationship with your ex will still reach a new, higher and better level, at which you both realized your mistakes and corrected yourself. But this happens very rarely, and in most cases, renewed relationships become hell and end after a couple of months.

When should you avoid dating your ex?

There are a number of situations when it is better to avoid meeting your ex, because... It is unlikely that you will be able to behave correctly and reasonably at all (or else external composure will cost you a lot of nerves). For example:

• If you are still going through a breakup and have not completely fallen out of love, although with a cool head you understand that there is no need to return to this person. It’s easier to survive such a state when you don’t bother your soul with unnecessary meetings.
• If your ex is prone to aggression, persecution, abuse, and psychological manipulation. And in one short conversation, such people manage to evoke a lot of unpleasant feelings, so it’s better to avoid them altogether.

In general, “Beautiful and Successful” advises not to worry too much about ex-boyfriends - be that as it may, it is much better to pay attention to your present and future, rather than the past!

Website www.sympaty.net – Beautiful and Successful. The author is Daria Valerievna Blinova, journalist-observer. The article was checked by a special psychologist Olga Yuryevna Gryzlova. More information about the site's authors Copying this article is prohibited!

Avoid talking about the past

When meeting with an ex, it's always a bad idea to talk about anything related to the past. Like it or not, talking about past relationships will bring a wave of unnecessary emotions and feelings.

If your ex brings it up, politely say that you would prefer not to have this conversation.

You don't want to be too nice and continue the conversation as this will hurt you psychologically, but describing everything as a "mistake you made" can make your ex angry. So keep a balance, be nice and firm at the same time.

Advice for ex-wife

Try following these guidelines:

1. Talk to your child. It is advisable that the child learns that his parents are separating before the divorce process. It's unpleasant when you are simply presented with a fact. Give your child the opportunity to express his opinion on this matter. It is possible that the first conversation will cause an attack of aggression in the child, especially if he is in adolescence. Don’t push or impose, let him comprehend the new information a little and he will contact you himself.
2. Provide equal opportunity for the child to communicate with both mother and father. The law in 90% of cases takes the mother’s side when determining the child’s place of residence. And only a negligible percentage of women have the wisdom not to interfere with his relationship with his father. No matter how difficult it may be for you, you cannot forbid your child to communicate with his dad. In this way, you inflict colossal psychological trauma on the child, which may not turn out well in his adult life.
3. Avoid scandals in the presence of a child. If you and your ex-husband have a hostile relationship, then adhere to some boundaries in communication. Even an exchange of short phrases is better than a series of reproaches at the first opportunity.

Give up conflict

Avoid trying too hard to make your ex feel bad. You will face confrontation if you tend to make your ex feel bad or retaliate by showing how easy you feel without him.

Always remind yourself that confrontation is not the way to show that you have moved on.

You will only appear more serious if you can remain calm. Show maturity and control your anger if you want to overcome this awkward situation.

What should you not do when communicating with your ex-husband?

1. Discuss the details of your past relationship with him
2. Express anger, resentment, accusations and insults, especially in the presence of a child
3. Use your child to resolve your conflicts with your ex-husband.
4. Prohibit communication with the child. Except in cases where communication with the father may be unsafe or harmful for the child. For example, alcohol, drug addiction, mental illness, which led to serious changes in personality.
5. Plan joint vacations, common events, weekends.
6. Turn to your ex-husband for help in resolving issues not related to children.
7. Demand that your ex-husband buy expensive gifts for your child as proof of your love for him.
8. It is disrespectful to speak out about your ex-spouse's new relationship.
9. Reproach your ex-husband for not keeping some promises. This will only cause irritation.

Life necessity or personal desire?

Before answering the question of whether communication with ex-lovers is permissible, you should understand the motivation for such a desire. “Let's remain friends” - this phrase can be heard very often when breaking up. In most cases, it is pronounced thoughtlessly and without putting any deep meaning into the words. In fact, you will have to communicate with your ex regardless of your desire, if you were connected not only by personal relationships. You can fall in love with a fellow student or colleague. Many of us have affairs with neighbors in our house or yard. During a divorce, sometimes it is necessary to divide not only property, but also children and a common business. Changing your job or place of study is quite possible (although not very justified just because of a former lover). But moving or ruining relationships with children just because “it didn’t work out” is a big mistake. Answer the question in the affirmative: “Is it worth communicating with your ex-lover?” - should be done if after a breakup you still have something in common and significant. Another good reason is regular meetings for reasons beyond your control. Even if it’s just a general group of friends, don’t give up communication and interesting pastime.

How to avoid a breakup

Many male representatives are put off by overly emotional ladies who cannot pacify their feelings and desires. As a result, the relationship between a man and a woman becomes painful, she is left alone, with a broken heart and psychological trauma, and he goes in search of a new chosen one. It is necessary to adequately assess the capabilities of each, and understand that both can maintain and improve relationships. After all, a woman must be a woman, with all her weakness and meekness, and a man must be a man, a brave warrior and protector. The main thing for yourself is not to confuse this.

In order not to fall flat on your face, and to show that you value yourself and don’t just enter into any relationship, stop and think. Don't rush full speed into his arms. Show that you are worth something and your sense of dignity is at a very decent level. Just move away from him, don’t go to the same places he goes, don’t call, don’t write, answer without much enthusiasm, but, of course, don’t cross the line so as not to push the man away even more. The main thing is to understand that this seems unnoticeable and not so important, but a person is designed in such a way that he is attracted to everything forbidden, and in this case you will turn out to be a forbidden fruit for a man, for the sake of which he will turn the world upside down.

If you are already in a relationship, but feel that your partner’s interest has begun to disappear, you need to move away from him. I talk and write a lot about symbolic separation, which is also real. What does it mean?

Just live his life if he doesn't have the resource to solve the problem and figure out what's going on. At this moment, try not to live up to his expectations and do not go where he is used to seeing you, do not do what he expects from you. Remove yourself completely from his life for a while. If there are situations where it is impossible to create such conditions, for example, joint work, then it’s worth cheating a little and going on sick leave. This will take your man by surprise and he will do his best to find out where you are and what happened.

Many women choose behavioral tactics in which every problem, every little thing is discussed and sometimes more than once. I have already said that the special psychological characteristics of men are distinguished in a certain way from women. Therefore, excessive sociability, vulnerability and emotionality are not a man’s prerogative. Of course he has feelings. But that's the question. If he feels these feelings towards you, then conversations are most likely not needed, discussion of the problem will fade into the background, the man will take the blame and try to correct the situation. If there are no feelings, then there will be no point in talking either. Therefore, once again, try not to put the situation into pieces, but simply understand each other’s feelings. This approach will be much more effective for your relationship.

I can’t help but consider another mistake in the relationship between a man and a woman. In fact, it is very common and many people have probably done it. This is shifting responsibility onto your partner, or using pity to elicit compassion. This doesn't make any sense. A priori, we will all be disgusted by people who often complain about their lives and walk around as if the whole world is painted only in black and gray tones. Also in relationships.

A man will run away from you if you walk around looking like someone who has been depressed for several years.

His new idea of ​​you will replace all your advantages and external attractiveness in his memory. Therefore, this behavior that you have chosen literally for a while can turn a man away forever. The opposite situation will also not lead to anything good and will only worsen the situation. I’m talking about what some will think, since I don’t have to pretend to be offended and unhappy, I’ll be too happy. Girls, it doesn't work like that. At the very least it will look unnatural. This may also be regarded by a man as a reason for separation. Do you need it? During periods of quarrels, you don’t need to pretend to be anyone, be who you are, value yourself in any situation.

It is important to remember that everyone has their own roles. A woman must be a woman and look for a strong male shoulder, and a man must be a warrior-conqueror. And the main thing here is not to confuse anything. If you force a man into the role of a woman without realizing it, it will cause him such discomfort that he will not need any communication, much less a relationship. Don't push, step back and wait.

Why does he want to see you?

There may be several reasons. From banal nostalgia to his decisive desire to return. Let's consider the most common scenarios.

He still loves you

The most common reason. A man may not admit his feelings out of fear of being rejected. But, nevertheless, he takes the first step. Looks slightly awkward and confused.

Even if you are already dating someone else, and your ex-husband wants to talk about you, this means that his feelings have not faded away. And he will not make scenes of jealousy. After all, it is important to him that you are happy. This is a sign of sincere love. You can learn about other signs in my article “Should I Give His Love a Second Chance?”

He wants his normal life back

This is about simple practicality. Your spouse is used to being washed and having food cooked for him. And after the divorce, he is like an abandoned puppy: hungry and unhappy. Perhaps he has not yet acquired a new passion that he cares about. And then I suddenly remembered how warm and comfortable he felt next to you. Why not reunite again, at least for a while.

Some girls readily agree, either out of pity or out of loneliness. My dears, value yourself and don’t waste your time on trifles. Better focus your energy on creating new relationships. The Pavel Rakov Training Center has many events that will help you with this. For example, the course “Secrets of Women's Happiness”.

He wants intimacy with you

Yes, this happens too. Let’s say when communicating with your ex-husband you hear something like: “Since you don’t have anyone yet, maybe we can try dating without obligations?” And then there are heart-warming speeches about how he misses you and how passionate and unforgettable you are.

Think several times before agreeing. One-time meetings will not lead to anything good. Some of you will again remember past grievances, and reproaches will begin. Why do you need this negativity?

He regrets what he did

This situation arises if your spouse has previously cheated on you or seriously offended you. And suddenly now he has realized everything, repents and is ready to do anything just to regain your trust.

If you have long forgotten the past, explain it to the person. Perhaps he was very worried all this time. And now he wants to dot all the i's so that you both can calmly arrange your personal life.

And if you yourself still have not forgiven him, be sure to listen to him and let go of all grievances. Otherwise, it will be extremely difficult for you to meet new love.

He offers to "chat"

Your ex-husband just wants to talk to you. What to do: agree or ignore? If you separated peacefully and your relationship remains cordial, it is quite possible that your spouse is interested in knowing how you are living. And that's not a bad thing.

This is probably the most ideal scenario. You will meet, share news, and be happy for each other. But to achieve this level of relationship after a breakup, you need to be a very highly spiritual person. Do you remember how important this is for your marriage rating?

First reaction: act natural

The first piece of advice that I want to give everyone is this: it is very important to be as natural as possible and in no case bother with the topic “how to look in such a way as to make some kind of impression on your ex.” Especially if the ex is not alone. There is no need to curry favor with her in any way; in general, behavior should be as natural as possible.

In general, there are a number of basic tips, however, among them there are some that are generally inappropriate, for example, getting the relationship back. I hope you already understand why.

And here I will also focus on some advice from various would-be psychologists, experts on YouTube, who say that you need to be super confident, persistent, and unemotional. In a word, to be in the “on top” position and make some very cool impression on your ex with your unrivaledness.

Parting. Some serious mistakes women make when breaking up

The first serious mistake is putting in too much effort. You need to understand that if you go too far, you can change the situation not in a positive, but in a negative direction. Many people simply step over themselves and sacrifice everything. A man will be repulsed by such behavior, he will see that you extol him and try to satisfy all his needs, as a result, such a relationship will not be interesting for him. Try to understand for yourself that you are also a person, an individual and a person, then why exactly do you need to follow the lead?

The second thing you definitely shouldn’t do is impose yourself. Remember, very often men in relationships say that they lack freedom, and excessive control leads to nothing. The situation is exactly the same here. If you want him to like you, don’t sit by the phone all night and don’t write odes of praise to him, don’t call him all day long, citing the fact that you dialed your mother’s number and accidentally mixed up the numbers. Men understand this immediately; it seems to them that even before the start of a relationship their lives are completely under control.

I recommend that you read my articles about the psychology of relationships between a man and a woman, and how relationships between a man and a woman can worsen if there is no understanding of the partner.

I believe that it is best not to remind yourself of yourself for a while, to lie low. Of course, when there is sympathy, a person tries not to miss any opportunity to see each other or talk. It's about self-esteem. A woman should not fall at her feet and fulfill any whim. No, she should think about herself first. Remember, in the Stone Age a man was considered a hunter, breadwinner and conqueror. Nothing has changed since then. Only now, instead of food, a self-respecting man must win the girl’s heart himself. This is how man is made, this is how nature created us. If the object of your dreams likes you, then rest assured that he himself will achieve you.

My goal is not to scare or say that until a man deigns to look at you, nothing will happen. Of course this is not true. I'm saying that everything should be in moderation: calls, meetings, hints, and even compliments. I would like my advice to help women understand a little about the psychology of a man in order to better understand relationships.

How to communicate with your ex-husband if you have children?

Let's move on to dessert. If you have children together, then you will have to communicate. More precisely, not even that. We'll have to interact. Believe me, there is a difference.

Communication has some kind of emotional overtones. Interaction – no. That is, after a painful divorce, all episodes involving the ex should be purely informational.

I see couples after divorce. Most often, their “communication” is about the same as that of a cat and a dog. At the level of instincts, the desire to bite. Do you really think your child wants this? It’s better to formalize the whole process as much as possible than to exchange “courtesy” in front of the child.

I know very well that there are always reasons to say (and in the age of gadgets, write) caustic things.

Why You Need It?

Yes, to make it easier. It's a momentary feeling. It's like you're stepping on his foot. He grimaces in pain, and you gloat. Unfortunately, in addition to grinning, you will also have a burden on your conscience and will prolong your “recovery” time from divorce.

No need to do minor mischief

It is better to formalize the process as much as possible. To do this, you need to have enormous willpower and a “panic button.”

A “panic button” is someone who is ready to listen to you in moments when you are in trouble. Here are some options:

• For my clients, this button is my number in the messenger.
• A friend's number, if you agree with her in advance.
• Thematic forum.
• Psychological support telephone number.
• Personal diary.

It’s definitely better to “get on your nerves” with a psychologist or a friend than to tell your ex everything that’s painful.

Why? Because as long as you are involved in this relationship, you will be hurt. And you get involved every time you think about your ex. Especially when you tell him something. When he answers you, it’s as if a drunkard was offered a drink. A couple of minutes of pleasure, and getting out of the binge will become more difficult.

The essence of the panic button is that as soon as you are overwhelmed by emotions and urgently need to express everything that you feel about the situation, you turn to the panic button. We spoke out - we felt better, and no one was hurt.

They separated like ships at sea...

In 90% of cases, when a love affair ends, one of the participants suffers more than the other. And even if outwardly both separated people look quite happy with life, perhaps this is just an attempt to “keep face.” Most psychologists advise their clients not to think about how to communicate with ex-lovers. On the contrary, such contacts should be excluded or minimized. It is especially important to adhere to this tactic immediately after a breakup. Even if the relationship ended on your initiative, stress cannot be avoided. After the end of the novel, the lifestyle changes, everything becomes different than it was. It is unlikely that you will be able to sort out your feelings quickly. This is the case when time really heals. It is best to wait at least two weeks immediately after breaking up and only then try to build a relationship with your past again.