One percent of the entire world population are psychopaths. A psychopath is not the kind of person who is waiting for you with a prison in a dark entrance. This is not a serial killer or an inmate of a mental hospital. This could be your colleague who gets away with any tricks at work. Someone's "perfect" ex who suddenly ran away with someone else one day. Or a completely ordinary guy who made you coffee in the morning.
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There is only one difference between a normal person and a psychopath - psychopaths have no conscience. They hurt and do not feel the slightest sense of remorse or guilt. They are able to imitate normal human emotions, but do not actually experience them. Compassion, love, trust, forgiveness - these emotions make you vulnerable, and psychopaths only use them to influence you.
Any outside observer will not be able to identify a psychopath. They are often nice, friendly and charming people. But if you get close to such a person, then life turns into a nightmare. Fairy-tale relationships mutate into a mess of cruel mind games. Does this sound familiar to you? Here are 10 warning signs that you might be dating a psychopath. Data collected from real stories and surveys on the Psychopath Free website.
Phase 6: Awareness and Understanding
Over time, constant lies, inconsistencies, negative emotions and comments from friends and family will lead you to believe that you were a pawn in a psychopath's game. It will take a long time before you are convinced of the validity of your suspicions and accept this fact. Once this happens, everything will get better.
Once you realize what happened, you will feel like a simpleton. Many victims of psychopaths say to themselves: “How could you believe such a lie?!” This is a natural reaction, but it comes with a price.
People who feel fooled are reluctant to share this and, instead of trying to find confirmation or justification for their new opinion about the psychopath, begin to avoid others. Maybe those around you really didn’t notice, but in any case, it’s much better to trust your friends and family than to allow yourself to be tormented by your own stupidity.
Talking to someone about your experiences and writing about them in a journal is a good way to release negative feelings. You may want to write down everything that happened after your encounter with the psychopath.
And of course, you need to make sure that all your things are in place: bank account, credit card, documents, computer, phone. It is very important to distance yourself from the psychopath and take steps to protect yourself from retaliation from him. It might be worth posting your story (anonymously) on a website for support groups for victims of psychopaths.
How does pathology manifest itself?
Unfortunately, women do not immediately understand that their husband is a psychopath. At first, the relationship is close to ideal. A man tries in every way to tie a woman to himself. He shows attention in life and on social networks, constantly gives flowers and gifts, and shows with all his appearance that he is in love. In addition, you constantly hear declarations of love, assurances of your exclusivity. You are pleased to be with this man because he can present himself and is always charming and charismatic.
Some time passes, and the woman realizes that her whole life revolves around a man. She tries to spend as much time as possible with her husband, to please him and thinks about him all the time. And at that moment everything changes. Now the psychopathic husband makes the woman jealous and doubt herself. Many women appear in his circle, although he does not give direct reasons. A woman loses confidence and tries to match her man. Previously, she was put on a pedestal, but now a woman is made to understand that she is not good enough.
A psychopathic man will never talk about your shortcomings, but he will turn the conversation in such a way that you yourself begin to doubt yourself. Over time, you will have to beg for sex, because you need it more than he does.
Psychopathic men do not feel pity or sympathy for anyone. This manifests itself even in childhood, when they torture domestic animals and offend little ones.
Such a man is never to blame for anything, but a woman is not forgiven for even the slightest mistake. He expects you to anticipate all his wishes and constantly apologize.
As a result, the woman loses herself and begins to live only for the man.
How to avoid becoming a victim of a charming psychopath. Advice from a psychologist and criminologist
Two psychologists - one specializing in corporate psychology, the other in criminal psychology - have written a book on how to recognize and neutralize psychopaths at work. Toxic bosses, narcissists, manipulators and aggressors, unfortunately, can come our way. Snakes in Suits, coming out in April from Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, is a guide to interacting with them effectively and safely. Inc. publishes an excerpt.
Manipulative approach to life
Many psychopaths are skilled manipulators and players and go to any lengths to achieve their goals. Their qualities and characteristics, noted by psychiatrists, serve psychopaths well and are best analyzed in the context in which they manifest themselves in life. Understanding how psychopaths perform in public and interact with people will provide at least a glimpse of the real person behind the charming facade (we call this dynamic psychopathy), and hopefully help readers protect themselves from his sophisticated manipulations.
Let's start by looking at the strategies and tactics many psychopaths use as part of the three-step process, a natural manifestation of their personality that is often automatic rather than consciously planned.
Stage 1: Assessment
Psychopaths love to play games with people. The ability to deceive and manipulate is their main motivator. They are constantly looking for someone to fool, so the first stage of the psychopathic dynamic comes down to identifying or assessing the victim. Some psychopaths are unscrupulous, aggressive predators who take advantage of almost everyone they meet; others are more patient and wait to meet the “ideal” victim. In either case, they constantly evaluate a person's potential usefulness as a source of money, power, sex, or influence. In this sense, they are especially attractive to celebrities and people with power and high social status.
In the business world, it's easy to find people in positions of power: spacious offices and elaborate job titles are an obvious way to define who's who in an organization. But don't think that not having a big office or an impressive title means you don't have the power or assets that a psychopath might find useful to themselves. Are you a secretary and control access to your boss and his schedule? Or a union representative who can smooth out conflicts with employees and the difficulties that arise in connection with this? Perhaps you are connected to the company's word of mouth or have access to sources of information distributed among insiders? These are all examples of informal power, and smart psychopaths can use it to expand the scope of their personal goals.
In addition to assessing potential gain, psychopaths identify a person's weaknesses and psychological defense mechanisms in order to develop a plan of attack. They do this in different ways and to varying degrees, as their assessment is influenced by personal style, experience and preferences. Some people like to solve complex problems, so they choose confident, well-protected celebrities or shrewd professionals with big egos. Others prefer to hunt those who are in a weakened, vulnerable state. This category includes lonely people or those who need emotional support and close relationships; elderly living on a fixed income; minors or simple-minded people, as well as those who have recently suffered or been victims of persecution. The usefulness of the latter category may not be obvious from a purely material point of view, but the subjective ease of establishing contact makes them attractive to the criminal psychopath weighing the investment of time and energy.
At this stage, a number of psychopathic traits appear. As a rule, psychopaths strive to demonstrate to others that they are at the top of their careers, putting on a mask of high position and success, although in fact they lead a parasitic lifestyle.
They prefer to live off the labor of others rather than their own efforts, so they usually choose the lifestyle of an adventurer, a slacker and a spendthrift. For this purpose, they without any remorse ask, and often even demand, financial support from others. In many cases, this provider is a family member or friend, but it may also be a stranger who is coerced or tricked into providing food, shelter, and income by the psychopath.
There is nothing unusual or reprehensible about relying on someone else's help, including the state, in difficult times, but psychopaths shamelessly take advantage of others, even if they are physically healthy and able to provide for themselves. Of course, not all psychopaths are slackers, but even those who have jobs prefer to live openly or covertly at the expense of those around them, both co-workers and employers.
Psychopaths lack compassion and perhaps even a basic understanding of human feelings. It is significant that the economic and emotional impact of their parasitic behavior on others is of no importance to them, in part because, from their point of view, in a world where man is a wolf to man, everyone is just as greedy as they are. In addition, it seems that psychopaths are unable to form an accurate emotional portrait of another person, mistakenly believing that the emotional lives of others are as superficial and meaningless as their own. In their psychic world, people exist only as objects, goals or obstacles. This is one of the most difficult characteristics of psychopaths, and the one that most people find most difficult to come to terms with (or even just comprehend).
In addition, psychopaths do not experience remorse or guilt. It can be assumed that the reason they become such successful social predators is that they are completely devoid of remorse.
In addition to the desire to parasitize and the lack of emotional content, there is evidence that psychopaths need significant stimulation of novelty to relieve them of boredom. This need, which, as recent research shows, may be determined by the physiology of the brain, in many cases pushes them to seek new, exciting prospects and frivolously move from one relationship to another. Most people are capable of working long hours and enduring monotony in order to achieve important life goals, such as attending university, vocational training, or working in an entry-level position in the hope of promotion. Psychopaths, on the other hand, look for easy ways to achieve similar goals and have great difficulty enduring frustration.
Many of them manage to graduate from university or obtain a vocational diploma, but in most cases this is more likely the result of fraud, undertaking work by someone else, and generally trying to “beat the system” rather than hard work and dedication. Once at work, psychopaths avoid monotonous and difficult tasks in every possible way, the completion of which requires long-term and serious dedication. They don't understand why anyone, including their co-workers, has to work hard or wait their turn to get what they want. Their need for stimulation manifests itself in a tendency to take risks and seek thrills. Many ordinary people also enjoy an adrenaline rush, especially athletes, and exhibit similar behavior patterns, but unlike psychopaths, they assess the risk to themselves and others, usually without putting them in danger. Unfortunately for society, psychopaths' need for stimulation often develops into antisocial and even criminal behavior.
Psychopaths experience a sense of superiority, believing that others owe them something. In addition, they are always ready to take advantage of other people's property. Because of their exaggerated sense of self-worth, psychopaths believe that other people exist solely to take care of them. Considering most people to be weak, worthless, and easily deceived, psychopathic scammers often say that their victim deserves such treatment. Sometimes their sense of superiority is so great that they claim that they are giving their victims a gift by allowing them to support them. This is especially true for cult leaders who are charlatans or complete psychopaths, but there are also less obvious cases. An arrogant attitude will be called cocky and selfish by many observers, but, as will be discussed below, some find this behavior somewhat attractive and even charismatic.
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Stage 2: Psychological Manipulation
After identifying potentially useful people, psychopaths begin to lure them in using charm and deception, which we have labeled psychopathic fiction. This is the beginning of the manipulation stage.
Here their main task is to gain the trust of the victim. Psychopaths are masters of the ability to charm people. They have a winning demeanor and know how to please at first sight. Usually they carefully think through their image and the mask that hides their true essence. Generally speaking, a psychopath is able to appear strong, simple-minded, domineering, honest, meek, trustworthy, worldly, or any other quality that will cause others to respond positively to his manipulative behavior.
Psychopaths use social stereotypes to create a desired image, for example, they may come across as a suffering artist, a resentful spouse, a successful businessman, a celebrity, a member of a respected profession, or someone with connections to wealthy, famous (or infamous) people. Of course, some psychopaths go overboard in their desire to be liked and seem too superficial, frivolous and unconvincing. However, the most talented elevate their ability to charm to the level of an art, taking pride (and often even boasting) in their ability to present others with a fictional personality so convincing that, if they take it for granted, people cannot discern their true essence.
Psychopaths easily cope with the task that is often beyond the capabilities of politicians, sales agents and promoters - impressing listeners with their speeches.
In criminal cases, the sympathetic mask of sincerity, decency and honesty demonstrated by psychopaths can be destroyed only after their heinous crimes or skillful scams are fully exposed. And in less serious cases, it will take many daily contacts before the psychopath's true face becomes visible to a small number of attentive observers, but this rarely happens to those with whom he interacts, since their victims believe in the artificial image.
An almost pathological ability to lie with impunity gives them the opportunity to successfully exploit the trust of the victim. Unencumbered by social responsibility, fear of exposure, empathy, remorse, or guilt (natural deterrents to antisocial behavior), psychopaths spin their tales so convincingly, engagingly, and creatively that many listeners unconsciously trust them. It may seem that the web of lies will sooner or later become apparent and lead to the exposure of the psychopath, but this rarely happens. Most observers do not notice the deception that a psychopath resorts to in many cases to dispel the victim's doubts and fears, as well as to reinforce his fiction.
Somewhat theatrical, but still compelling stories and fascinating explanations are designed to enhance the atmosphere of trust, acceptance and genuine delight. As a result, most people accept the apparent image of a psychopath and almost subconsciously justify any perceived inconsistencies. Psychopaths are not embarrassed even when their story begins to be doubted or they are caught in a lie: they simply change or develop the plot to connect all the distorting details into a convincing picture. Strong verbal communication skills help them turn the endless stream of misinformation into believable, reasonable and logical. Some psychopaths master these skills so skillfully that they can impose on others a truly heavenly picture of the world, which they themselves are almost ready to believe.
Oddly enough, psychopaths lie even to those who already know the truth about the things they are talking about. Amazingly, in many cases, victims begin to doubt their knowledge of the truth, change their views and believe what the psychopath says rather than what they know.
Such is the power of psychological manipulation. Some psychopaths even take pride in their dexterity, ridiculing their victims' gullibility and boasting about how they managed to fool someone. To their credit, in many cases they have every reason for such self-praise.
It remains unclear why psychopaths lie - is it because it is an effective tactic to achieve a goal, or because the lie itself gives them pleasure, or perhaps both? Probably, in their youth they did not realize the importance of honesty, but, on the contrary, learned about the benefits of lying in terms of getting what they want. In ordinary children, the tendency to lie and distort facts weakens with age, but psychopaths only develop this ability, seeing no point in telling the truth if it does not help them get what they want. The difference between the lies of psychopaths and those of normal people is that normal people lie in a way that has a less ruthless, deliberate, destructive and destructive effect on the lives of those around them. Their deception is much less pervasive because they only lie sometimes. So, poker players; men who solicit women for sex; teenagers convincing their parents to let them go to a party; a businessman trying to make a deal; a politician seeking re-election - all these people may lie about different things to achieve their goals. However, unlike psychopaths, their mild but cynical deceit cannot be considered an integral part of the personality, since it is not accompanied by other qualities that characterize psychopathy.
Another trait of psychopaths is the desire to avoid responsibility. If something goes wrong, they blame people, circumstances, fate - whatever. Psychopaths have an impressive supply of excuses for why they cannot be blamed, even if what they said or did caused harm to someone. Shifting responsibility serves the dual purpose of strengthening one's own positive image and denigrating rivals and ill-wishers by demonstrating loyalty to listeners and making accusations against others. In other words, psychopaths, by shifting responsibility to third parties, pretend that they are helping the person or protecting him from harm. In many organizations there will be employees who do not trust the company or are offended by something. Psychopaths can use these genuine feelings to build support for their position. Another common trick is to blame the system, the company, or society in general for your behavior. It is not surprising that even those psychopaths who admit to committing a crime strive to minimize their participation in it and the negative consequences for the victim. They may even blame their victims for their own failures and give compelling reasons why they got what they deserved! Since the manipulation stage is the main tool in the arsenal of psychopaths, we will spend a lot of time in subsequent chapters looking at the strategies and tactics they use to do this.
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Stage 3: breakup
Having extracted from his victim everything that was of value to him, the psychopath breaks off relations with her and switches to someone else. Such a break most often occurs suddenly (one day the person simply disappears), while the victim may not realize that the manipulator is looking for a new target. By committing crimes such as identity theft, credit card fraud, or construction fraud, the psychopath essentially vanishes into thin air, usually re-emerging elsewhere with a new identity. The advent of the Internet has made life easier for psychopathic criminals: they have a lot of opportunities to easily carry out their plans while remaining unpunished.
To ruthlessly break off a relationship with a person, causing him pain, you need to be insensitive to the feelings of others. Psychopaths do this without difficulty because they have poorly (or weakly) developed emotional and social attachments. After hurting someone, most people usually feel remorse and guilt. However, psychopaths have an extremely vague understanding of these categories and sometimes consider remorse to be a funny shortcoming of people, which, of course, can be used to their advantage. Of course, they don’t even think that their behavior will have harmful consequences for them and for those around them. This is partly because the past and future are not as important to psychopaths as the present. Emotional deafness prevents them from understanding that others may have much richer inner lives. As a result, they treat others as objects or pawns that can be moved at their own discretion. In other words, it is easier for psychopaths to understand the intellectual rather than the emotional sphere of life of those around them, so they evaluate people solely from the point of view of their usefulness, and after using them, they throw them away as unnecessary.
Meanwhile, a selfish, limited approach to life entails predictable consequences. First, psychopaths form many short-term relationships throughout their lives, which is a direct consequence of the evaluation-manipulation-dissolution process. By getting close to many people, the psychopath declares his loyalty and abandons them when their usefulness is exhausted. Secondly, despite assurances to the contrary, most psychopaths do not build careers and do not have achievable life goals.
However, the lack of a career does not prevent them from declaring a variety of goals and achievements; the success story they have created is so convincing that those around them take their word for it.
In the business world, their fictitious achievements are reflected in false resumes; letters of recommendation drawn up by themselves (they sign the names of their friends); fake diplomas and awards on the wall. Even psychopaths who have chosen the criminal path do not have clear goals and objectives: they commit various situationally determined crimes, and do not specialize in a certain type of offense, like ordinary criminals. This is a consequence of impulsivity, weak behavioral control and low resistance to frustration.
So, let's summarize. Psychopaths first determine a person's usefulness, as well as their strengths and weaknesses. They then manipulate their victims by feeding them carefully crafted messages (psychopathic fiction) to gain control over them. Then they squeeze all physical, psychological, emotional or financial resources out of the victim. Finally, they abandon the “gutted” and drugged victim when they get tired of it or lose its usefulness.
Questions to Consider
— Have you ever in your personal or professional life encountered a person whose behavior model can be traced along the chain of “evaluation - manipulation - severance of relationships”?
— Do you have friends who have been manipulated and abandoned by someone with whom they thought they had a stable relationship? What details of the story did they tell you?
- Do you know a person who could be described as cold and empty, devoid of ordinary human emotions?
— Have you ever had to imitate emotions appropriate to the situation? Which? Did you succeed?
