I love my friend’s husband: advice from a psychologist

Hidden motives for your feelings

Taking someone else's property is not good. Your parents, of course, introduced you to the rules of behavior in polite society. But some irresistible force pulls you to cross the forbidden line. Is it your fault that the choice fell on him – the wife of an old friend? Envy, harmfulness, revenge - we understand the motives that push you to a dubious adventure.

Rivalry

Strong friendship is based on equality. Any deviation from the golden mean is fraught with conflict. If someone traditionally plays the first violin in your duet, meeting your husbands is a risky undertaking:

The leader is a friend. Smart and beautiful, with a car and an apartment. How did she manage to take everything from life? Secretly, you always hoped that justice would prevail and someone else’s luck would end. Why not with your help? It's never too late to take revenge. Nothing personal, but you also have the right to happiness. It was in vain that this upstart teased you with a gray mouse and deliberately introduced you to suitors whom you would not look at without tears. The hour of reckoning has come: by charming her husband, you will finally prove who is the real beauty queen here, and who got the crown by chance.
The leader is you. The palm was a reward for courage and enterprise. She was always one step ahead of her timid and shy friend. The sympathy of a ringed man in the prime of his life is a worthy trophy for which you can compete with any rival, no matter who she is. I don’t intend to give up my pranks. You always go to the end. The prospect of marrying the one you choose with your heart, and not the first person you meet, is so tempting that you, without hesitation, enter into a no-holds-barred battle with your own girlfriend. Knowing your rival like crazy, you get excited and try to step on your friend’s well-known Achilles heels. All means are used. The necessary rumors are started, the chosen one’s social networks are full of unambiguous comments under each photo, his cell phone is heated at night from your hot messages. Challenge boring conventional morality? Why not? Don’t miss this chance to try on the image of a fatal homewrecker beauty. Let this be a lesson to the prude. It was necessary to hold on tighter to the beloved's trousers.

Thrill

No insipid feeling for a free man can compare with the secret desire to taste the forbidden fruit. Single boyfriends are completely at your mercy. But sex with them is monotonous and quickly gets boring. The monotony of standard novels is depressing. You go on dates like you go to work: meeting at the same place, at the same hour. The bed scenes are rehearsed and do not evoke the wild delight of the premiere.

A budding relationship with a friend’s husband is another matter. There is no schedule for meetings and partings. It is unknown when she will be able to be alone with him again and how it will end. I wonder what he looks like without a suit and tie. The imagination running wild fills in the missing details. You can dream as much as you like, imagining what an ardent and inventive lover he is. What adds piquancy to sexual fantasies is the knowledge that this man is sharing a bed with a friend. The severity of sensations intensifies every day, because you:

You feel guilty before the one with whom you have eaten more than one pound of salt. Lost all shame? No, this is not about you. The image of a deceived friend always looms before my eyes. It's a shame it all happened this way. Hurting a wonderful girl was not an end in itself. But, on the other hand, you both dream of the same thing - to make the chosen man happy. You know how to succeed at this better than the friend who always lacks zest.
You are afraid that your secret passion will become known to the general public. Throwing languid glances furtively, trying to discreetly touch his hand - there is so much romance in these gestures. You feel young and perky. You can’t resist the temptation to play hide and seek with others. Knowing that every chance meeting could be your last, you give it your all. You greedily grab at any opportunity to make a lasting impression on your chosen one, so that you toss and turn at night and the desire to hug your spouse disappears.

Different variants

Your friend's boyfriend may not pay attention to you, despite your feelings for him.

When we talk about liking a friend's boyfriend, there can be five different situations. How to behave correctly will depend on which option is in your case.

You and your friend fell in love with the same young man at the same time. There is no relationship between them yet, but you see how the girl goes crazy about him. Of course, if you are afraid of offending your girlfriend, then it is better to back down. But sometimes it's worth thinking about yourself. Here it is important to pay attention to how the object of your adoration reacts to both of you. If he is interested in you, then you should fight for your happiness, if she is, you need to retreat. Moreover, if you are planning to start a relationship, then you first need to talk with your friend about this topic, try to convey to her that the guy has chosen you.
You've never seen your girlfriend's boyfriend, but you've fallen in love with the image she describes. Here you need to understand that your feelings are not directed at a living person, but at an ideal that does not exist in the real world. In such a situation, it is better to avoid meeting the young man personally and stop thinking about him.
You notice that your friend's boyfriend is looking at you with loving eyes. Perhaps after this you got the feeling that you are also not indifferent to the young man. But this is most likely a response to his interest. In such situations, it is better to either avoid meeting him or allow them, but only in the presence of a friend. If he decides to talk, then say directly that friendship is more valuable to you. The main thing here is to resist the guy’s excessive flattery.
The situation when you fell in love with your friend’s boyfriend, but he doesn’t pay attention to you, moreover, he’s happy with her. Here it is better to step on your own throat and do everything to stop thinking about him. Even if you don’t value your friendship, you must understand that you cannot build your own on someone else’s misfortune.
A situation where your feelings are mutual, but your girlfriend remains in the dark. You continue to sigh languidly at the sight of each other, feeling ashamed. Here you need to understand that such a relationship between a girlfriend and a young man will not become happy. All his thoughts are occupied with you. It's better to tell your friend everything than to start dating behind her back.

What to do: advice from a psychologist

Don't panic. Has the wind of change begun to blow on the personal front? Take it for granted. Life won't go downhill if you maintain control over the situation. Don't get stuck in daydreams and act according to a carefully thought out plan. Rebuilding relationships is a long and complex process that requires special preparation.

Analyze your relationships

Dotting all the i's, take a closer look at those who surround you:

Wonderful friend. Close relationships, tested by time and trials, are worth a lot. Over the years that you have been together, you have had no reason to doubt the sincerity and devotion of the person you are now ready to cross the road with. Not everyone can forgive and forget betrayal. Most likely, you will have to forget the way to your friend’s house. It is unknown whether you can do without a friendly vest if the urgent need for it has existed for many years.
Someone else's husband. Polite, good-natured, responsive. A great friend to look for. He still saw you not as an accessible, luxurious woman, but rather as a sister. I didn’t try to keep my distance, because I trusted him, lost my vigilance and opened up to a stranger. Is it worth disappointing such a naive comrade? Maybe we should leave everything as it is? It seems like things aren't so bad between you two if your feelings of simple affection are about to develop into something more. Appreciate those relationships that have developed and do not harm anyone. Don’t forget, the main advantage of this man is that he managed to make his best friend happy. There is no one to replace this. Are you ready to take responsibility for other people's destinies, destroyed at your whim?

Don't do rash things

We wouldn’t like to puzzle you with rhetorical questions... But there’s no other way to cool your hot head.

So, what is your understanding of love? An irresistible desire to be happy next to the man of your dreams? But in order for the plan to come true, Romeo’s position on a sensitive issue also matters. Taking a man away from home is a feasible mission for a fatal, seductive beauty. It is not necessary to hit below the belt by unbuttoning a button on the neckline. There are also more intellectual ways: intrigue, gossip, blackmail. But how long will happiness acquired through deception last? Are you sure that you can replace the warmth and comfort of your home for him? It is not a fact that, having pampered himself with fresh impressions, the unfaithful spouse will not want to return to his dearly beloved wife, who has become truly dear to him.

True, there is another option. The object of attention has been deeply and deeply unhappy in marriage for a long time. Your appearance became for him a ray of hope for release from domestic captivity. Why not? You were made for each other, and fate itself decreed that the long-awaited meeting took place. In this case, you will not have to make additional efforts to win the heart of your chosen one with cunning and forbidden techniques. He himself will take the initiative so as not to miss his chance.

Be prepared for losses

You will have to decide what is more important now: warm friendly relations or the hot embrace of a married man. Let's consider both options:

Remain a faithful friend. A noble choice. But risky. It's not every day you fall in love. The choice of available candidates for your hand and heart is also not very diverse. Gorgeous men are not found at every turn. Think about whether this was the last spring in your soul and whether you are rejecting the only knight worthy of female attention in your immediate circle?
Leave and take married Romeo with you. It's an ugly act. Sorry friend. Will he recover from the shock of double betrayal? Are you ready to lose your peace and sleep because of the inevitable pangs of remorse? By the way, the likelihood that you will lose more than you gain is very high. You risk being left not only without a friend, but also without a gentleman. Your friend’s husband, with whom you fell madly in love, could appear white and fluffy at the distance that separated you. If you take a closer look at the loot, you'll probably be disappointed. There will be no trace left of the gloss and manners acquired over years of intense training by his mother-in-law as soon as the macho breaks free. You yourself will not be happy about a dubious victory on the personal front. Moreover, the boomerang effect has not been canceled. A Don Juan who has cheated on his lawful wife can repeat the amorous feat at any moment, unable to resist the tight-fitting dress of one of your mutual friends.

Adviсe

Always make it a priority. There are no insoluble problems, there is only a critical moment at which the right decision must be made. We instinctively feel who is dearer to us! If you are close friends with your friend, then appreciate it and put it on a pedestal above all else, because it hurts so much when your best friend betrays you. Switch to other guys, you don’t have to start a relationship, it’s enough to go on your first dates, feel all the trepidation of the atmosphere. Avoid that young man, give yourself the attitude that he belongs to a friend and he is a sexless creature; rejoice for their happiness.

If you feel true love (not falling in love at all), then know that this may be your destiny. Mature women can tell you about the fidelity of friendship at different periods of life; they will tell you that at a young age friendship is sacred, and you can always find guys; but in adult life there is no person dearer to you than your husband or simply your beloved man. The problem with everything is the guy, otherwise our goal, so let this goal be justified. Think about it, is it worth such sacrifices? Do you have any common topics or hobbies? Does he value you and protect you? Is it respectful? If yes, then give him a hint and talk to him first, in case he is head over heels in love with his girlfriend. Then you will dot all the i’s for yourself and won’t have to start a conversation with your friend. Otherwise, you should attract the guy's attention if you like him.

Good luck with your difficult decision!

If you like your friend's ex-husband, take action

Rarely do any divorced ladies manage to completely get rid of the sense of ownership. “What should I do if I love my friend’s ex-husband?” – the question seems simple only at first glance. The one who has not managed to completely break with the past will begin to put obstacles in your connection. In order to get rid of obsessive thoughts about betrayal, take note that:

A friend's jealousy is not a reason to retreat. A man is free and has the right to independently choose which fairy is worthy of decorating his bachelor life with her presence. The ex-wife had the opportunity to prove herself, but she could not take advantage of it. This is not your fault. In addition, no one is stopping the offended person from entering into a competitive struggle for the heart of an eligible groom.
There is no point in giving in to ultimatums. A friend should not threaten to break up the relationship just because you are trying to arrange your personal life. Taking a dog-on-the-man pose in such a situation is somehow uncomradely. You're not doing anything wrong by flirting with a divorced man. Invite your friend to answer honestly: what would she do in your place?