Well, we’ve reached the most mysterious and controversial topic – love. I confess that I do not see any difficulties in it, and I am ready to share the clarity of my concepts with all my readers.
Even love, despite all the objections of the romantics, can be analyzed and has a psychological basis, which means there are factors that contribute to its occurrence.
I won’t describe many little things. The topic is already huge, and is not the main focus of askalex.ru. I will describe only 3 main situations that greatly contribute to the emergence of love . If you can’t bear to delve deeper into a topic, seek personal coaching.
This article should be considered a basic instruction on the question “ how to fall in love yourself, ” or, if you want to use your knowledge for less “peaceful purposes,” “how to make someone else fall in love with you.”
Definition of love
Love is a state of mind in which a person is convinced that his relationship with another person is the meaning of life for him.
This is my definition. I think it is not the last and not the final one. Please share yours in the comments. Just don't take someone else's. It’s better to express your thoughts poorly than to write beautifully someone else’s . In general, this rule for your definitions is “love cannot be stolen.”
As can be seen from the definition, love is a pathology of the psyche that interferes with the objective perception of reality. Although, with favorable development, it brings a lot of positive emotions and, on the scale of humanity, promotes procreation. Fortunately for smart people and constant failures in love for fools, love can be grown under artificial conditions.
Why do you need to fall in love?
Sometimes reality is so burdensome or killing with its monotony that it makes sense to distort it. This can be done in three ways:
1. Drugs
2. Alcohol
3. Love
Of the three evils, they choose not only the least, but also the most pleasant.
Once, in a conversation with one of my clients who was deeply in love, I used the somewhat populist definition “love is a disease that prolongs life.” So, stay healthy! If you survive this disease without complications, you can even use it as additional motivation to achieve your goals.
Why don't we fall in love every day
The fact that we do not often fall in love, even when we come into contact with hundreds of beautiful people every day, suggests that it is not the guy or girl that makes us love, but our state prior to the meeting. Let me rephrase. To fall in love, a person must be in a certain psychological state at the moment of meeting.
Who do we fall in love with?
As already mentioned in the article Relationships between a man and a woman, men like beautiful women, and women like men with status. The reasons are discussed in the same article.
You shouldn’t think that a man can fall in love with a complete nonentity with an empty head and long legs. It should be close to perfection, in his understanding. The same goes for men in the eyes of women. Now answer me this question: “Do you know many perfect people?” I do not know such. But at the same time, everyone loves someone, everyone gets crazy from time to time, everyone does stupid things because of them. How can we explain this?
To fall in love you have to be vulnerable
Our ability to find an ideal where there is none can be explained by the fact that at the moment love arises in a person, he is almost always vulnerable. In order for someone to look perfect in our eyes, we ourselves need to fall quite low in self-esteem - to be very insecure in the situation before the meeting. True love arises in a period of deep vulnerability, when we feel lonely and even weak in this big world, and then suddenly HE, or SHE, appears!
Self-esteem is greatly reduced after betrayal, job loss, illness and any failures in life.
When we lose our orientation in life and do not fully control the situation around us, we do not know how to behave and our brain looks for allies from our environment. (Instinct of self-preservation. Well, I love it!)
If at this moment we come across a beautiful, understanding girl, or an understanding, influential man, then the “love chip” will begin to be sewn into the mind. We especially fall in love with leaders, regardless of their gender. We want them to be our allies, more than others. Even if they are not very beautiful.
This was clearly demonstrated by the film Guest from the Future. Almost every boy in the country was in love with Alisa Selezneva - a leader in a situation in which most of us would not know what to do. But the girls in the country didn’t like the boy in this film. Now you know why.
How to fall in love and fall in love? 4 tips from a psychologist and coach
Many people suffer from a lack of love: they either do not fall in love themselves or do not know how to fall in love. It’s especially unfortunate when two ideally suited people meet, but the relationship doesn’t work out: there just wasn’t enough “chemistry,” the so-called attraction. They failed to fall in love with each other.
Hastily learning some NLP tricks is an option if you need a one-time relationship, but if you are aiming for a real lasting result, then recommendations “how to become” and “what to say” will not help. Any ability, like a character trait, can be upgraded if desired, and systematicity and a little patience are important here.
There are skills that all people have that fall in love and fall in love easily. It’s always interesting with such partners; they are able to surprise, intrigue, and give hope. They are attractive, seductive and yet sincere because they are real and usually say what they think and do what they want.
How to become like this or like that?
Be inspired!
Learn to dream with inspiration. We are attracted like a magnet to confident people who know what they want. They live with passion, and this passion is passed on to us. We follow those who are more inspired than us. Those who have a bigger dream are the ones they follow. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a whole nation or one person.
You definitely need to know what you really want. Firstly, so as not to shoot at sparrows, and secondly, so that an inner core of self-confidence appears. A successful person is one who manages to live the way he wants. This means that he has found ground under his feet, he is stable, and he is a sweet haven in this changing and unstable world.
Be attractive (ouch)!
Both externally and internally, both for yourself and for people. First of all, for yourself. When you like yourself, others feel it and are also imbued with sympathy at the very least. Attractive appearance is what is noticed first, and this is what will make someone want to approach you, or vice versa - to move away from you.
A woman in stockings will never be told: “The dumplings are too salty.” They will be eaten, even if she forgot to cook them.
The brain works literally - either to approach or to move away: benefit or fear, desire or aversion. Make sure that people want to come closer to you, listen to you, sniff you, touch you, kiss you...
Read also: 3 THINGS THAT A MAN NEEDS TO GET FROM A WOMAN
Be radiant (oh)!
Radiance is what glows from within you, because all living things in nature are drawn to the light. And you are only as radiant as your thoughts.
It is impossible to be a bright person if there are no radiant thoughts. Try to analyze your habitual thoughts and cleanse your inner space of those thought viruses that prevent you from achieving success.
You can do this with a simple exercise: set yourself a reminder every half hour and when you call, write down what you are thinking at that moment, and what you thought during the last 3 minutes. Analyze - remove unnecessary things.
Be unusual (ouch)!
Love is when we concentrate on someone, it is when we are so interested in a person that the world around us fades in comparison. Love is an emotion in which there is a lot of surprise, admiration, and “wow” effects.
Remember the men or women you were in love with - they were always special to you. And your task is to find and develop the “highlights” in yourself, to be an interesting, memorable person with whom you are not bored.
The most notorious cynics and pessimists fall in love the most: this is to their benefit. Frederic Beigbeder
Answer yourself - what is so unusual about me? How am I different from thousands of other smart and beautiful people? Start exploring yourself, and you will suddenly realize that you fry eggs in a completely unusual way, or that you think in a completely special way, that you have some original ideas and talents.
Your signature dishes, your travels, your life experiences, your opinions about films, books, events - this is all you, and this is what makes you unique.
Becoming a magnet of love is a very tempting prospect and a worthy goal. There is no better incentive for personal growth than having a loved one nearby, for whom you want to become a better person. But even if he is not around yet, first become such a person for yourself (oops).
Really love yourself. Start doing things that will strengthen and develop the necessary qualities, and love will definitely knock on your door. And all you have to do is accept it with the open heart of a confident person.
Food for thought
Erich Fromm believed that love is meaningful only when it does not interfere with full self-expression. Fromm defined love as “a union in which the integrity and individuality of a person is preserved,” and noted that the paradox of love is that two people, “becoming one, still remain two different people.”
Source: 5sfer.com
We love to fall in love with those we see often
We all have a need to love. Genetically designed for procreation. We are social animals, and even when people get divorced, it is often done not to live alone, but to date someone else.
Since we will love in any case, what does our brain do when there is no one worthy of love? He either chooses his ideal from the TV screen or chooses in real life from what is available! By the way, have you ever been in love with an actor or star? It would be really interesting to read in the comments.
How do we fall in love with limited choices? Remember yourself at school. Almost all the boys have a crush on the same girl in the class. Is she the ideal of each of them? No, but she's better than the rest. Even love is subject to the laws of the market. The mind thinks something like this: “Oh, to hell with it, for lack of anything better, I’ll love her!” The same goes for girls.
If we are not in love, then we are in love - the emptiness tends to fill itself.
But loneliness alone is not enough to fall in love with the best of the worst. The second strongest component is required. This component is frequent exposure to a stimulus, that is, an object of love. Let me explain.
It is not true that the less often people see each other, the stronger the love. Love should be regarded as a strong developed reflex. And therefore, the more often the stimulus is repeated, the stronger the reflex. In our case, this reflex is love. We fall in love with a girl and a boy in class because the stimulus is repeated often enough to develop a stable reflex.
We tend to develop a reflex of love for those whom we see often.
Romances at work are caused by the same thing. I no longer want to talk about lonely sheep shepherds and what these poor fellows get up to. But they say, I emphasize, they say - I haven’t seen that they sell inflatable sheep in intimate stores...
As you noticed, I like to view a person as a predictable being with a set of innate and acquired reflexes, or call them habits. I didn’t want to say that “man is a lazy, predictable animal,” but if someone likes it that way, think as you please.
We fall in love in extreme situations
often fall in love at the moment when our body intensively produces adrenaline . In situations where the heart beats quickly: during training, on the ski slope, in extreme situations. Our brain perceives adrenaline as
- Stress hormone
- Hormone of love
The heart is pounding, there is not enough breath, there is excitement... Isn’t this how a person in love feels? And if, at this moment of strong adrenaline rush, someone more or less worthy is nearby, our brain can mistakenly remember the emotions experienced as the highest degree of love and put it in memory under the tag “I was head over heels in love.” Then, when we part, we may even begin to miss the other person who, we mistakenly think, brought such a storm of emotions into our lives.
Example
Finally, let's look at how the three states described in the example above work.
I will speak on behalf of a man, as you understand, this is more familiar to me. But these same principles also work for women, albeit in a slightly different form.
You take your girlfriend to Disney Land in Paris. Get on the plane. She experiences slight anxiety during takeoff, but you take her hand (of course, if your hand is dry) and say in a completely calm, deep masculine voice: “Everything will be fine. Just enjoy the flight! " At the same time, look confidently into her eyes.
Explanations. She is vulnerable, you are the leader (situation one). She produces adrenaline and you are nearby. Her brain will likely associate her heartbeat and rapid breathing with feelings of love for you when storing information in memory (third situation).
Next in Paris. She doesn't know anyone there. If you speak French even better than her, or at worst, English, then for her you are her connection with the world. And if you understand the map, then generally good. She needs such an “ally,” and her subconscious begins, in the name of preserving her own life, to make her fall in love with you.
Your face is constantly looming in front of her, and if you have something else to show, it may not be just your face. (situation two – frequent repetition of the stimulus).
A roller coaster, several delicious dinners (conditioned reflexes again, like Pavlov’s, remember?) by candlelight, extreme sex in a public place (attribute it to the third state)…
In general, if you do everything right, then upon returning home, when you don’t call her one evening, she will already be close to throwing herself off the balcony because you “abandoned” her.
By deliberately creating the three situations described above, you can both fall in love yourself and make another person fall in love with you.
From the author
I don’t recommend using this knowledge to make someone who doesn’t care about you fall in love with you. Artificial relationships soon fall apart and it hurts. But you can resort to the techniques described to save the relationship .
Please, if you have something to say, share your thoughts on two questions:
1. Your definition of love
2. Have you ever had a crush on a screen celebrity?
Or share your experience and any thoughts you have.
Relationships between a man and a woman
Next
Maybe love again
Being in a relationship can be noble and beautiful, but here's how to fall in love again, to start all over again if you get bored.
But time heals and we have become better at understanding people. You have left one phase of life and are entering a new one. A breakup cannot stop your love for life, and since all traumas can be healed, even a relationship breakup, whether you believe it or not!
Below are 5 ways to fall in love again after a breakup.
Give yourself time to heal
Your life will not end after the collapse of a relationship.
If you think about it, you still eat, sleep, go to work and do everything else you normally do, but you just don't feel alive anymore because you feel like you're not in love anymore. But that's not true. Your lover is not the only person in the world who has ever loved you.
You have many others who care about you unconditionally. This is the true nature of love - it is an expectation for us to be noticed and acknowledged. So take time and allow yourself to fully heal from the pain that your recent breakup caused. No doubt it will take some time, but you will definitely get what you want.
Do something fun
While you begin to heal yourself, do activities you enjoyed doing again.
Remember that you know how to fall in love and how to start living your life again and again and pretend that nothing happened. While you'll laugh at yourself if you ever feel bad about something as small as breaking up with someone who doesn't feel like they're a big deal, or whatever the reason for the breakup may be.
You've come to accept that he was never meant to be in your life in the first place.
Follow a fitness regime
Join a gym or take an aerobics class and take care of your health and body. This will not only make you feel confident in yourself, it will also increase your self-esteem. With newfound confidence, you will feel less worthless and your past will be left behind.
Make new friends
Meet new people and make new friends. Your life cannot be stopped and therefore your social life should not stop either. Chat with old friends and make new ones. Don't be afraid that you might fall in love with someone again and get hurt again.
You shouldn't shy away from meeting new people because life works very strangely and you never know what might happen next or who you might meet!
Looking for a partner
Now that you have recognized the pain from your past, you are much more experienced when it comes to relationships.
So go ahead and find out how to fall in love with your partner. One mistake in a relationship does not make you a failure. Stop overthinking and move on with your life.
Remember that you cannot always be at peace. If you fail in love once, you can do it again.
You don't want to live alone and that's why you have to look for a partner again and again, leaving your past behind.
