How to respond to your husband’s insults - advice from a psychologist

Reasons for humiliation by husband

Reasons for male aggression in relationships:

Consequences of destructive family upbringing. Children under 6-7 years old do not have critical thinking, and, as you understand, they essentially have no life experience. Therefore, everything that they see in their family, they take as the norm. If a child sees his father humiliating his mother, then in the future he will behave the same way towards women. However, there is a way out of this scenario. Someone else in their youth, having become acquainted with a different model of interaction between a man and a woman, understands that the relationship between mom and dad is an example of how it should not be. Some people, already in adulthood, consciously work through this problem and master new models of interaction.
Childhood traumas that triggered the development of hatred towards women. Most often we are talking about suppressed aggression towards the mother. When might negative feelings towards your mother arise? For example, if she was cruel, cold and authoritarian. Or if the mother abandoned the child. The boy grows up and transfers this aggression to the entire female sex.
Unfinished separation from the mother. A man, on the contrary, loves his mother too much and is attached to her. He compares his wife with his mother all the time. And this comparison turns out to be not in favor of the first.
Injuries acquired in adult life. For example, a painful breakup with a girl. The man still remembers and loves her, compares his wife with that passion.
Man's complexes. A primitive way of “fixing” one’s own self-respect and self-esteem is self-affirmation at the expense of a weaker person. People with an inferiority complex do not want to work on their own shortcomings, but they also do not want to live with a feeling of their own inferiority. Therefore, they devalue and humiliate other people. For example, the reason for the husband’s humiliation of his wife may be the husband’s hurt pride due to the fact that the wife earns more and was able to build a career, but he did not.
Inclusion of substitution – a protective mechanism of the psyche. It is also associated with complexes and dissatisfaction with one’s own life. But the point is that the husband transfers aggression directed towards another person onto his wife. For example, this could be aggression towards the boss (due to fear of dismissal and general weakness of spirit, a man cannot express to him what has accumulated).
Protest, cry for help, protection of personal boundaries and interests. If a wife systematically provokes and humiliates, suppresses her husband, and he does not know how to adequately respond to this and cannot leave, then he also resorts to aggression.
Dependencies. For example, if attacks of aggression occur only when the spouse is intoxicated, then the issue is clearly alcoholism. But here it is important to understand that alcoholism is a consequence and symptom of something more complex. Why does the spouse go into the world of alcohol, what is he trying to disguise with it? What bothers him when he’s sober and comes out when the man gets drunk?
Mental disorders. It is extremely difficult to suspect this reason, so I recommend adhering to the principle of exclusion: if other reasons do not correspond to your case, then consult a psychologist.

Note! Sometimes a man insults and humiliates a woman because he wants to break up with her, but is afraid to say so himself. Then he does the most terrible thing (insults, humiliates, cheats) in order to be abandoned. The reason is dislike for this woman combined with personal weakness and cowardice.

Husband insults and humiliates his wife in front of children

According to psychologists, selfish, self-centered individuals tend to humiliate their wife in front of their children. Such a person cares only about his own peace of mind. Failures and blunders, moral dissatisfaction, and fears experienced result in anger, which a man takes out on his partner even in the presence of children. It is important for the spouse to immediately throw out aggression in order to achieve mental balance.

If your husband insults you in front of your children, this is not the time to think about the reasons.

Screaming, swearing and boorish behavior of one parent towards another has a detrimental effect on the unstable psyche and fragile health of the child. Talk to your husband, ask if he realizes that he is harming his own children.

If talking doesn't help, consult a psychologist. If there are no changes in a man’s behavior, even after psychotherapy, it is worth thinking about terminating the union that is destructive for you and the children before it is too late.

Symptoms

Not all women understand what should be considered humiliation and insults. Some wives are tormented by the dilemma “Is this abnormal or did I imagine it? What if I’m screwing myself up?” In fact, everything is simple: if some of your husband’s actions and words make you feel uncomfortable, then you didn’t think there was a problem. Anything that hurts your pride and self-esteem can be considered humiliation and an insult. It doesn't matter whether other people consider it an insult.

Examples of what constitutes humiliation and insults (possible symptoms):

comparison with other women in a negative way;
abstract comparisons (“Are you stupid or something”);
threats, ridicule, direct insults;
devaluation (“You always…”, “You can’t do anything normally,” etc.);
constant criticism (“you don’t know how to cook”, “you don’t clean the house well”, “you don’t know how to raise children”);
suppression (“I forbid you to communicate with this Dasha”);
ignoring questions, requests, suggestions;
unwillingness to listen and much more.

In general, if it seemed to you that you were disrespected and insulted, then it didn’t seem to you. It remains to understand the reasons for your reaction and the reasons for this attitude towards you.

Can humiliation be explained?

It can be explained, but it is not worth justifying. We have already examined the main reasons why a husband insults and humiliates his wife. Think about what could be the basis in your case. After this, you need to work with your spouse on the cause, and not accept it as the norm. For example, if you understand that the issue is a childhood trauma, then you cannot feel sorry for your spouse and endure humiliation, you need to work through the trauma.

If a husband lashes out at his wife out of anger at his boss, then again, you cannot feel sorry for your spouse and sacrifice yourself, but you can understand, support and help solve this problem: develop a new strategy for behavior in relations with your boss, set personal boundaries, increase your husband’s self-esteem, change jobs, etc.

Important! You cannot tolerate humiliation and insults from your husband. Either find the reason and solve the problem, or leave this relationship - there is no other option.

If he breaks the sets and guts the pillows...

My husband is rude, how should I behave in this situation? I can't stand it. If he asserts himself at your expense, even if he is loved at least three times, you need to answer. For example, a mental exercise will help. You need to imagine that you are covered with a steel dome, and all its impacts fly off from this dome, like tennis balls from a table.

Why is your husband rude to you? Usually the reason is in the past, most likely in childhood - he was often humiliated and offended, and therefore now he does not know any other method to restore self-respect. He can rise himself only by putting others down.

At the same time, he often refers to psychology: they say that it is harmful to accumulate negative emotions inside, they need to be thrown out. Here he is destroying furniture or breaking plates.

Here pseudopsychology can be answered with real psychology. Tell him that there is no point in taking out anger on foreign objects - the cause of negative emotions remains unpunished, and this only increases stress. For example, everyone knows that many Japanese have boss dolls and beat this doll up in vain.

But the effect of this is very doubtful. Studies have shown that usually, after beating up their boss, hot Japanese guys remain even more agitated, and many experience increased blood pressure and other bad symptoms. So much for Japanese action psychotherapy!

If the husband is rude because he so needs to calm down through muscle activity, then jogging will be much more effective - about five, or better yet ten, kilometers, or even just a long walk. Prayer helps true believers, but such people are an absolute minority in our society. But in general, of course, it is already somewhat late to teach him to cope with anger - people develop these skills in early childhood.

Actions when humiliated by husband

In all relationships, contradictions and misunderstandings occur periodically. Every person can break down, especially during periods of fatigue, illness, or when the opponent does not hear him. For example, a husband may lose his temper if he several times asked his wife not to touch him for a while and let him work quietly, but the wife continues to impose herself with requests or help that she was not asked for. How to properly respond to your husband’s insults and aggression in such situations?

Clean conversation

It is extremely important to be able to talk to each other. This is the only way to achieve maximum mutual understanding. Therefore, give up hints and stop speculating. Instead, ask directly what is bothering your spouse and tell them directly that you cannot be treated that way. Try to understand and hear each other, put yourself in your partner’s shoes, and see the situation through his eyes. If you can't talk, then exchange letters.

Leave alone

If a man asks to be left alone, then do it. And if he doesn’t ask, but simply closes himself off from you or is aggressive, then retreat too. You cannot sort things out if one or both partners are in an unstable mental state. You need to wait until the emotions subside and then talk. He will nail down this unfortunate shelf, but not today, but tomorrow. Today he is very tired at work, his social battery is low, and his physical strength is rapidly approaching zero.

Humor

Learn to respond to insults beautifully, wittily and with humor. For example, you can answer like this: “It’s strange, it seems like I have PMS, but all the symptoms appear in you.” Or like this: “Well, yes, I gained a little, that’s because I cook a lot and it’s delicious.” Or like this: “Chatty, but everywhere and always I make a way for us, I find a common language with any people.”

Introspection

What are insults? Essentially this is criticism. It is not always easy to determine whether it is constructive or destructive, but you need to try to do it. Think, maybe there is some truth in your spouse’s words, he just can’t express it differently. For example, maybe you really have gained a dozen extra pounds and stopped taking care of yourself? There is nothing terrible in the fact that the husband wants to see next to him the same well-groomed and slender girl with sparkling eyes with whom he once fell in love. Physical attraction is no less important in marriage than spiritual or intellectual intimacy.

Drastic measures

We are talking about a temporary or final separation. If you cannot yet calmly discuss everything with your spouse or do not understand what is happening in your relationship, whether you can do something and whether it is worth saving, then you can resort to a temporary divorce, that is, separate. Decide for yourself whether you will call each other at this time or not, whether you will remain in the status of husband and wife or try to pretend that you do not know each other and get to know each other again. This will help you not only understand each other better, but also understand yourself.

General tips for dealing with an angry husband

Don't get angry back

If you can withstand his verbal onslaught and remain relaxed and calm, he will likely be embarrassed by his behavior. He will think about it and want to improve. In addition, he will begin to respect you more for your calmness and understanding.

Know when to walk away

If your husband has become angry and aggressive, then he makes your life miserable and you cannot find a common language with him. You should reconsider the situation and think about whether you can build a normal relationship with him? Or maybe you should just leave? Just do thoughtful things. And remember, abusive relationships do not serve anyone's best interests. When there is a lot of anger and anger in the house, everyone suffers: you, your husband, children, loved ones and even your pets.

Your reflection is the key

Some philosophers have studied this issue in depth. They advise us to follow the path of developing awareness and avoid reacting to anger. Better figure out why the person became angry and aggressive. Determine the reasons that led him to this state. If you understand that your actions contributed to this behavior, then try to help him. But even if it’s not your fault, still try to understand why your loved one behaves this way. By doing this, you will avoid causing more suffering to yourself and the other person.

Compassion is critical

If your husband has become angry, but you are a patient person, then you can convince him that only compassion for each other will save and maintain your relationship. Compassion is the elixir of life that heals all wounds and takes you to new heights.

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What is not recommended to do

What not to do during a quarrel with your spouse:

respond to aggression with aggression (insults, physical force);
provoke (behave badly in order to justify the characteristics that are heaped on you);
to leave or withdraw into oneself without understanding the situation;
be silent and endure;
discuss the problem with anyone, but not with your husband.

If there are children in the family, then it is unacceptable to sort things out in front of them.

Psychologist's advice

What to do if your husband constantly humiliates and insults you, finds fault with you, curses you:

Share your feelings with your spouse. Make it clear that you feel humiliated. If you simply tolerate or discuss your husband’s behavior with your girlfriends and not with him, then nothing will change in your family. Indicate that such interaction is not the norm for you, that it hurts you. Explain that there is a problem. And if the spouse does not see her and does not want to understand it, then there is no point in continuing the relationship. Important: do not forget that the cause may be either your partner’s personal problems or your mistakes - do not lash out with accusations, try to maintain a neutral tone in the conversation.
Determine the cause. To do this, observe your spouse’s behavior. You can do this together, keep a diary. Your task is to record all situations in which insults and humiliation occur, and then identify what unites them. Write down everything: place, time, other participants, etc. And also think about when it started. If the spouse has always been aggressive, then most likely the cause is childhood trauma. If he has recently begun to show disrespect for his wife, this may be due to exhaustion, problems at work, accumulated discontent in the marriage, etc. Keep a diary for 2-4 weeks, and then re-read the list of probable reasons why a husband humiliates his wife, and think about what is relevant for your couple.
Make a correction plan. Read scientific literature and articles on your topic, contact psychological forums or see a psychologist.

Remember that a man’s aggression can be associated both with his personal traumas and with problems in your relationship. For example, this may be a response to a lack of emotional or physical intimacy in a relationship, to disrespect from a spouse or to her unfulfillment, indifference to appearance or personal development. Some men insult their wives, thereby trying to stimulate positive changes. Of course, from a psychological point of view, this is an ineffective method, but perhaps the spouse is unfamiliar with others. In general, you need to talk in detail and honestly with each other.