Mom is hysterical, despot and manipulator...
My mother raised me without a father and in terrible poverty. Then at the age of 5 a stepfather appeared, whom I accepted, but at the age of 7 my mother kicked him out and another stepfather appeared, with whom she broke up only a couple of years ago, but they still communicate sometimes (when she is not offended by him and she needs something from him). I didn't accept it.
Because I’ve always been my mother’s daughter, very obedient. I was raised this way: “Only mom is right, only mom knows what’s right and you need to listen to her in everything.”
So I listened to her. When I was 13 years old she decided that I should become a Lawyer. That I wouldn’t go to university (I don’t know why she decided that way, but my knowledge and thinking in the field of mathematics, chemistry and physics could be envied! I was proud of myself!) and that I needed to go to college to study Law and from there to Pedagogical College as an abbreviated version program for the 3rd year... And at the age of 14 I took courses at college. And then actually went to it. I still don’t understand what guided her in sending a child with a mathematical mindset to law school... And what kind of “Mega lawyer after PED” I was supposed to become......
And so I obeyed her... And at the age of 18, in my last year of college, I stamped my foot and said that I won’t go any further as a lawyer. This is not mine! I want to go to Medical!
Well, then it began... from that moment on there were constant scandals. God forbid I have my own opinion...
At the age of 15 I started working part-time. When I graduated from college at the age of 18, I began to work full-time: as secretaries. The diploma was lying on the shelf (I didn’t need a law degree anywhere).
Constant scandals for me to go get a job (I just have to earn money for it myself), that I don’t have the right job, the guys are wrong, etc., that I’ve already spent a month without work - go work,
You spend all your money on something unknown, on clothes/entertainment, you have to give it to me, etc..
Another example, That year I changed my color from dark to light, when she saw it, she said that it was ugly (although it was not, and I received a lot of compliments from everyone), And I made a scandal that she needed (it turns out! I’m a psychic !) money for medicine, and I’m such a bastard and selfish that I dared to go to the hairdresser once every six months and spend it, but I should have called and asked if she needed anything. The resentment lasted for 3 months, and I barely made peace. This is taking into account that she goes to the hairdresser every month (I do it once every 3-4 months - I often don’t have the money). And I give her money every month anyway. Therefore, I once again do not say that I bought something for myself or did something.
I received (well, how I got it, or rather, I bought it) as a result, a higher education (psychologist) that was completely unnecessary for me, in the hope that it would stop blowing my mind. Now there are 2 useless diplomas on the shelf. And I still work as secretaries!
I buried my dream of honey a long time ago... no money.
3 years ago I moved from her to my husband, on the other side of Moscow, now she is bored and eternal reproaches “that I don’t devote time to her”, she sits at home, retired, she is 56 (and I have my own family, house\life, I live far away, work - I just physically don’t have the strength to go to her all the time. We see each other once a week or two. And that of course we “live wrong and do everything wrong.”
BUT now a new topic has begun: “You need to give birth soon” (I’m 24, my husband is 33). We're old and all that. I explain to her: Mom is in crisis, salary. They are cutting back, we have a mortgage/debts/unfinished renovations. If I go on maternity leave now, then we simply won’t have anything to live on. I won't have maternity leave and I want to save money. I don’t want to starve and count pennies for bread.
To which she: “Nothing, I somehow raised you when the USSR collapsed, if anything I will sit with the child, and you will immediately go to work.”
Those. It turns out that I have to give birth for her! So that she doesn't get bored! How will we live and what will we eat... He constantly uses as an example how we survived and starved.
BUT I don't want that! I don't want my child to go hungry...
She needs everyone to listen to her in everything and silently indulge her. The fact that people can have their own opinions is simply not possible. Everyone is stupid - she's smart. You need to do what she wants, because this is “the only right decision.” You object: - she immediately slams the door, plays the silent game for weeks / (until you crawl on your knees in front of her for a month, admit your guilt in all mortal sins and beg for mercy, I begged for 3-4 months!!!!), ignores, throws things, makes tearful dramatic scenes.
She is a terrible hysteric, her favorite means are manipulation with the help of guilt, with the help of resentment, pretending to be a martyr-sufferer and unhappy, without talking.
With Her, everyone is always to blame for everything.
Over the past six months, I have updated her renovation/furniture. Since my stepfather retired and left her, I have given her money every month. She takes them, then “I don’t need anything from you,” but she takes them anyway.
And despite the fact that I do everything for her, I try so that she doesn’t need anything, I almost don’t listen to “Ungrateful, bastard, bad daughter, I don’t need anything from you, I can’t count on you, I can’t count on a glass of water.” give me, don’t regret, don’t take care of me, Selfish, if I die, you’ll finish me off.” Well, everything like that.
If I say, “Well, what are you talking about?” This is perceived as “Oh, I’m also stupid, right?” And again there is resentment, ignorance, tears, etc.
Once I started saying something bad about someone I knew, I asked her to calm down and heard “Yes, I hate them, I don’t wish them death, I wish them hellish torment!!!” - and then I became scared... My eyes burned with news and anger... This is simply terrible.
Conflict upon conflict does not work.
Ignoring doesn't work.
Yesting doesn't work.
The explanation that I love her, but I’m already old enough to build my own life, doesn’t work.
Endure-: I endured, but I am not made of iron.
As a result, at the moment she does not communicate with any family member, she kicked out her husband, all her bastard friends also turned away from her, and I, my ungrateful bastard daughter, sent her the day before yesterday, saying that I was tired of these conflicts until she starts respects me and won’t start communicating normally; I don’t talk to her. In the end, she didn’t understand anything - she probably sits there roaring and throwing mud at me, what an ungrateful brute she raised. She doesn’t have a single person left... I know her, she herself won’t be the first to call even in a year...
She can be good and kind, but usually it’s a couple of days….
I love her, I can't leave her. But, what to do with it? I don’t know... I don’t have the strength to endure these conflicts anymore... All my nerves and nerve cells have already been killed...
Author's addition from 04/22/16 15:16:40 She also had a terrible alcoholic mother who mocked her, didn’t buy her anything, beat her... And how could she escape from her, she ran away. And of course he hates her.
How to communicate with mom?
We cannot give mom something that we do not do to ourselves. Those. if I want to respect my mother's choice, I need to be able to respect my choice. If I want to accept my mother's fate, I need to accept my own fate. If I want to accept my mother’s decision, then it is important for me to be able to make my own decisions.
Let's consider below several options for communicating with mom (positions):
- When we communicate with our mother from the position of “I’m okay - you’re not okay,” this means that everything is fine with us (I know how I live, what I live with, with whom I live, why I live), and with my mother In general, everything is wrong in life (I don’t like the way you behave with dad, the way you live in general, you’re doing something wrong).
This position of communication violates the law of hierarchy, when older parents are always higher in status than their children. Those. we take on the role of a parent, and we put the mother on the role of a child. And here the mother will take on the role of a parent, i.e. teach you even more, control you even more, point out your mistakes.
- There is a communication position “I’m not okay - you’re okay”, i.e. I'm not okay, and you're okay. I’m like a child in this situation (I don’t know how to live, what to do, what to strive for, I’m wrong), but my mother knows everything, and she must be obeyed. The position seems to be harmonious, but not always logical. We may have felt this way when we were children.
- Now we are adults, and many are already raising their children, so we can choose a different position of communication with our mother: “I’m okay - you’re okay.” This is the most harmonious position of communication. Those. I'm doing great, and you're doing great. At the same time, mom can do what we don’t like, meddle in our affairs, but we always remember that this is mom’s fate, this is mom’s choice, she learned what she could learn. She gave me the maximum of what she could give me.
- “I’m not okay - you’re not okay.” This position is very rare. Very high level of negative energy.
Read more: How we ruin our own lives
Daughters - mothers: relationships between mother and adult daughter
Without exception, all people imagine and have an understanding of the relationships that develop within a family. Their differences, features, individuality, and common features are determined by many constituent factors. Here I want to look at some aspects of what I consider to be the most exceptional family relationships.
The relationship between mother and daughter is always mysteriously complex, its features may not be noticeable at first glance, but they are always present. The beginning of everything is Her Majesty, the female soul, with the well-known feminine logic and other wisdom of femininity. For men, from the standpoint of their logic and the peculiarities of their psychophysical structure, it is difficult, and sometimes impossible, to understand the inner world of a woman, so simple and complex, direct and confusing at the same time. The situation with mutual understanding is even worse when it comes to relationships between women themselves. In particular, between different generations of women in families, for example, mother and daughter. Relationships that develop over many years, passing from person to person within a kind of family clan, are passed on from generation to generation in an unknown, invisible way, transmitted to each subsequent generation of women from the previous one.
Many articles, books have been written, many films have been made about the psychology of a woman, her relationship with her mother, and subsequently with her daughter - but things are still the same. The problem of mutual connections and influence remains. And, it should be noted, for each mother-daughter pair, she is individual, loaded with the preserved and adopted “dowry” of past generations of female relationships. There are many schemes that are developed by family psychologists and individual psychotherapists in an attempt to structure and understand the problem. Many patterns of relationships in a mother-daughter pair are described: “mothers are predators,” “mothers are invaders,” “mothers are mother hens,” “controlling mothers,” etc. Also, for each category of the listed names, patterns of interaction between mothers and daughters are described. From all of the above, the question logically arises: how can this help in practice two close, dear women: mother and daughter? How does it happen that a problem arises at all? Who is to blame, why? All these questions are not simple and require understanding each separately and, what is even more difficult, in relation to each other.
Generalizing, without going into details and individual specifics, we can say that the whole point is in the genetic (historical) roots of the problem, namely in the history of relations in the mother’s family on the female side. In other words, in the accumulated and assimilated, not always conscious experience of the relationship between a mother and her own mother (grandmother), and a grandmother with her mother (great-grandmother), and so on ad infinitum. In this regard, the birth of a girl child into the family, a daughter, for each mother is a unique test, opportunity and risk of repeating the experience of her overt and hidden (unconscious) relationship with her own mother. This process of complex intrapsychic flows is not particularly accessible to independent awareness and understanding, and even more so to control and make independent corrections. Perhaps this is the key to understanding the cause, the complexity of the situation, helping to understand the conflict between two close people, the hidden mechanisms of mutual psychological processes. After all, as you know, we feel the strongest feelings and impulses in relation to people close and dear to us. The power of love and the power of hatred that arises in relationships with loved ones, giving a negative result, sometimes amazes us!
Thus, it becomes more or less clear that the formation of relations between mother and daughter begins from the first day of the daughter’s birth and continues to develop throughout the life of the girl-daughter, passing “by inheritance” to the next generation of daughters. Analysis, analysis of well-known and carefully described stereotypes, examples of these relationships does not greatly help understanding, since each individual case has its own algorithm - the one and only! There are similar ones, but none are the same. In the process of in-depth research, it becomes obvious that in such relationships there is neither right nor wrong, because both women, mother and daughter, are kind of hostages of “hereditary relationships” and both, as a rule, suffer from undeveloped mutual current relationships. It is also worth saying that a good “hereditary history” of the relationship between mother and daughter allows the daughter to subsequently desire and have her own children, in particular daughters. This definition is also true in the opposite sense: when a girl, having become a woman, refuses everything that may be associated with motherhood and family, since the “hereditary history” has a negative character and influence.
The main value of psychotherapy, in particular analytical therapy, is the opportunity to help a woman deeply explore, rethink, overcome her feelings, find inner space for self-understanding, forgiveness, love for herself and her loved ones, the opportunity to clear the way for future generations of girls who are destined to become mothers for your daughters.
Author of the article: Barinova E.N. Psychologist, psychoanalytic psychotherapist. Family psychotherapist.
Why do parents manipulate?
Parents manipulate in order to maintain either global control over the lives of their children, interfering in literally all areas - from work to intimate life, or to satisfy some of their current demands and needs.
If we are talking about one-time interventions, then this is not so scary and does not cause big problems. In the end, we all manipulate and are not always ready to say directly and openly what we need. And we don’t always understand what we really need.
If we are talking about systematic control, then this becomes a serious problem, since it does not allow adult children to form their own families, their own lives, be responsible for themselves, make independent decisions, realize their real needs, and, ultimately, become full-fledged adults.
Most likely, parents are trying to control the lives of their children because their own lives are permeated by the fear that they experienced in their childhood - the fear of being abandoned, abandoned and, ultimately, of no use to anyone. This is not a fear that is easy to get rid of and change in one moment. When they have children, they expect to get creatures that they can raise as they see fit, ones that actually belong to them, in order to neutralize the deep-seated fear that they will be abandoned. But, in most cases, such a moment comes and the children leave their parents - that is, they do everything that their parents are so afraid of.
To prevent this from happening, so that a strong bond remains, parents try to manipulate their children, trying to control them, despite the fact that this is difficult to recognize as healthy behavior.
At the same time, any manipulator does not suffer defeat and reacts very sharply, one might say inadequately, to the situation when his victim tries to “jump off” the manipulation hook. And, unfortunately, parents are no exception in this sense.
10 phrases that women can't stand
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