So what if your boyfriend is talking to his ex-girlfriend? He doesn't necessarily give you a reason not to trust him... but you're not sure how you feel about the whole situation. Should you just stay calm, work through your fears and insecurities, and keep those thoughts to yourself? Or should you be more open with him and start a conversation about it?
Maybe you weren't comfortable talking to someone you've had sex with before... and maybe you never wanted to remain good friends with them. You don't see yourself as a jealous person, but it's hard to see it from another perspective.
How to avoid jealousy2
The strongest relationships are those in which both partners can share their feelings without judgment. Because it's not the feelings that matter, but the choices you make as a result of those feelings.
You may not like your boyfriend hanging out with his ex-girlfriend, but you shouldn't try to manipulate his feelings. You must make an effort to understand them and then decide how to act together based on what is best for each partner individually and for the relationship as a whole.
There's no point in wishing your partner's feelings were different, because they aren't. We become closer to our partner when we can work through our feelings together. And all hell breaks loose when we don't hide our true feelings.
In what cases should you be wary?
Any person is a collection of character traits and actions. Everyone is different, and there are no universal solutions to such situations. However, if you look closely, there are general signs that suggest that the guy has started communicating with his ex. During a telephone conversation with her, he goes into another room, often compares you, and bores you with stories about past happy moments. You suspect that your boyfriend has written to his ex-girlfriend more than once, and not in a friendly manner.
Time Bomb3
If you try to make your boyfriend feel a certain way, you will push him away. For example, try to make him “love” you more by removing your ex from his life.
If he loves spending time with his ex but knows you want him to stop seeing her, you will turn it into a negative experience for him. He will begin to look for ways to get rid of bad feelings. Your boyfriend may stop talking to his ex-girlfriend, but he may resent you for taking away something that made him happy.
Finally, he may push you away so he can do what he likes without feeling bad. The worse you feel about it, the more attractive this option becomes. And it may not even be a conscious decision on his part. It may seem like the relationship has simply gotten worse over time.
Where do you come from, love and where do you go...
How a man felt about his ex can tell a lot about him. If it was not mutual, but painful love on his part, then in 80% of cases he will appreciate your love and devotion, because these are the feelings he was looking for for so long and they were what he lacked. If, on the contrary, he simply allowed himself to be loved, and at the same time was still in search of his true love, then perhaps you are that very true love. Here everything depends solely on you.
There is a point of view that rare cards with congratulations or infrequent correspondence are all just a manifestation of politeness and culture. And a man who does this does not commit any crime.
I can’t agree with this, because he doesn’t send postcards to both Masha, with whom he sat at the same desk in the fourth grade, and Lyusa from the neighboring yard, but sends them exclusively to one woman. Why not show all your masculine gallantry in all its glory?
How to talk to your boyfriend about his ex4
Do it together without trying to control how he feels. Start with something like this: “I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this. I know you like hanging out with your ex... and I trust you. I just have my own concerns with insecurities that I'm working through, and it would be helpful if you could understand it from my perspective."
Shift the focus of your rethinking away from questions like “what if something happens between them?” instead try to figure out "what's good about him still seeing his ex?" Does this make you happy, for example, that he is happy? Does this give you the opportunity to get to know him better? To build trust that brings you closer together? Ask him what he gets out of it and see if you can communicate in some way.
If you suspect that your partner is still in love with his ex, the best thing you can do is to talk to him about it beforehand. Let your partner know that you suspect he still has feelings for his ex and that this upsets you. This is the only way you can move forward and have a trusting relationship with your boyfriend.
You can say something like "I'm concerned that you're still in love with your ex" or "Do you still have feelings for your ex?" For any new relationship to be successful, there must be a strong foundation of trust.
If you see signs that your partner is too focused on their exes, tell them how you feel. It is normal and appropriate to ask your partner to step away from communication with your ex and pay more attention to you and your relationship, but it is better not to set ultimatums, give some time and the feelings will pass. If your partner is trustworthy and has no worries, then your partner should respond to this request willingly and without hesitation.
Ultimately, you will need to listen to your instincts. If you feel like your partner is not 100 percent in the relationship, you need to make a change. It's not fair for you to be in a relationship with someone who is still emotionally involved with another woman. Let him know that you need some space to sort things out and that they should do the same.
If your loved one corresponds with your ex...
Or one fine evening an SMS comes from her. You, accidentally noticing the sender’s name, ask: “Who is this?” And he says: “Yes, nothing important.”
All the horror and indignation that your partner has not yet forgotten his past love falls on you. Millions of thoughts flash through my head: “He still loves her”, “She wants him back”, “What does this have to do with me?”, “Why didn’t he tell me that they still communicate?”... And such situations are not uncommon.
Let's try to figure out how it turns out that in relationships, in addition to real partners, their former passions are involved. Let me give you a few examples from practice. A man who had been married for some time and was raising children came to consultations. But in moments of crisis in his relationship with his wife, he fell into melancholy memories of his long-time former love. He even maintained a weak connection with her, congratulated her on the holidays, followed her page on social networks. He didn't cheat on his wife and didn't even try to bring back the past. As a result of working in a psychological group, he was able to realize that he was simply hiding from truly deepening his relationship with his wife. The depth, closeness and intimacy frightened him. He was truly worried that his wife might be too close to him, to see his vulnerable sides. That’s why he preferred to escape into romantic memories of the past. The final point in this story was the fact that he went to his hometown, where he and his ex were from. There they met and talked about why their relationship didn’t work out, how they both live now and what their life goals are. Then this person told the group: “It’s hard to find a person in the world who is more distant to me than my ex!” We are so different people that today we could not live even a day together! I returned from my city with great relief that I had put an end to it. I no longer need to live with illusions about lost happiness.” After this, the man began to communicate with his wife in a truly mature way: he became more frank and accessible, talking to her openly about everything that worried them. This brought the couple incredibly closer and warmed their relationship. The result of all this was the birth of another child.
Another participant discovered that her partner communicated too closely with his ex-girlfriend, was friends with her, and went to visit her. Our participant’s jealousy and indignation knew no bounds. As a result, she chose parting with her lover as the best option for herself. Less than a week had passed before her ex-boyfriend and his ex-passion began living together. Subsequently, our participant said that she guessed that her partner was using her like an anesthesia to get over the breakup. That the relationship with him was somehow strained, artificial, without special feelings on both sides. For our participant, this was a lesson that you should not pursue unfree partners.
Another case occurred with a woman at a fairly advanced age. She was married and raised a daughter. Her short marriage can be called unhappy: her ex-husband drank and beat her. After the birth of the child, they divorced. While participating in groups, surrounded by supportive people, she admitted that she never really loved her husband. And that she was truly attached to her friend from the institute. Raising a “good, proper girl” played a cruel joke. She kept the memory of her lover for many years, raising her daughter alone, afraid to turn to him again. The fear of rejection was so strong that even when she was left alone after the divorce, she did not dare to do this until her daughter grew up and moved away from her. Loneliness and the thought that there was nothing more to lose prompted our participant to find her lover, who himself had divorced many years ago and lived alone. It turned out that their feelings for each other were preserved. And even though they are no longer 20 years old, they began to communicate and get closer again, trying to make up for 35 years of separation.
If we summarize all these cases, the main idea is this: an “unfinished” relationship is like an iron forgotten at home and not unplugged from the socket. They attract attention and energy, throwing us back into the past. We say to our ex the words that should have been said once, we make excuses or ask for belated forgiveness. However, nothing is more real to us than an unfinished relationship. We all know this from ourselves. But when we see that our partner has not completed the relationship, but is already trying to build one with us, then this is a delicate moment. You will not be able to interrupt this contact for him: neither blackmail, nor hysterics, nor sex from morning to evening, nor intrigue will save you from the fact that your partner is not yet free.
Ending a relationship is a special process that requires time and living through all the feelings associated with the breakup: resentment, sadness, anger, unspent love and tenderness, guilt and devastation. It is absolutely impossible to rush him or jump over him. It is only possible to simply support a person who is experiencing his loss. The psyche does not know how to exclude experiences. She knows how to suppress, freeze or repress them. But all this is for the time being. Moreover, repressed feelings, as a rule, entail the entire emotional world. This is why people seem empty, superficial, selfish, incapable of love and empathy. And there is no better cure for past love than to experience everything that has accumulated and let go of the past. So the choice is yours. Or admit that the person next to you is not completely free for you, that he needs support and participation. Or frankly admit that this option is not suitable for you and leave.
In any case, there is no “magic pill” or universal way to solve this problem. For some, having an “ex” is an escape into illusion, for others it is an unfinished love that no one is going to complete. For some, it's just a way to look beautiful: to support your ex-lover after a difficult breakup. And for some, this is a way to cope with the guilt of breaking up.
The main thing is to clarify the situation for yourself, which is often not worth creating drama out of it.
Maria Dyachkova (Zemskova), psychologist, family therapist and presenter of personal growth training at the Marika Khazina Training Center
Should you start worrying5
Determining whether your boyfriend is in love with his ex may take some time. If you're suspicious of your partner's feelings, notice if he talks about his ex a lot or constantly compares you to her. How do you know when it's time to worry?
He clings to his memories. Do you think he clings to his memories when he thinks you're not around? Does he hold some of her things or drool over her VKontakte page when he thinks you've left the room? Does he look at old messages from her when you're not around? If you see your boyfriend staring dreamily at his ex's face on his computer, gently moving his fingers over her image.
He has photographs of her. Does your boyfriend have pictures of his ex on his computer or phone? Or maybe even in frames on shelves? It's not good, but it's acceptable if he deletes or moves all those photos to a CD as soon as you voice your complaint.
If your boyfriend has been in a relationship for a while, he may even have nude photos and sexy sex videos of his ex. Of course he won't tell you about it.
As long as he moved all the photos and videos of his ex to some secluded corner and never saw it again, everything was fine. But if he has a few images hidden but easily accessible, he'll definitely look at them while he's alone in the shower.
When to be wary
The most ideal situation is when a man never starts talking about his ex at all. This means that he is completely satisfied with your relationship, and there is no residue left in his soul from the separation. If he admires her and tries in every possible way to compare you (not in your favor), then this is a bad sign.
It turns out that from his point of view, something in your relationship does not suit him, and you simply do not live up to the previous woman. But the situation when a man, on the contrary, scolds his ex, also does not bode well. As they say, from love to hate... and vice versa. Thus, any emotions about your ex should alert you.
What to do if your boyfriend cheats on you?6
Now, on the other hand, assuming that you actually can't trust him, thinking that this won't change. Nothing will work out. In fact, if he is going to cheat on you, why are you trying to stop him from doing it? Why are you even trying to keep him? He's already the guy who cheats.
If you find out that he was doing this behind your back, then he was never the guy you thought he was. He deceived you. But you haven't lost a good partner. You just never had it. And you probably learned something, at least. The point is that you are overthinking the wrong things... because you will never find the answer to the question "should I trust him or not?"
The only thing you can do is be open about your feelings and encourage him to do the same by accepting them without judgment. Then try to understand each other deeply, and make a decision together based on that.
Message from the Editor
It's a pity, but the article ends on this note. We trust that you have studied it with interest. And as the “cherry” on the cake, we’ll give you one more interesting piece of advice that will surely help you many times in the future. Try it, try to express gratitude to your partner more often. It is important to do this with enthusiasm and with all your heart. Don't be stingy with praise. A simple word like “thank you,” spoken from the heart, works great miracles. Your soulmate will increasingly try to make you happier, please and help. And, most importantly, you don’t have to do practically anything to do this - a banal “thank you”!
