Adviсe
- History of the concept of “family harmony”?
- What are family relationships like?
- How to establish harmony?
- Harmony and love in marriage
- How to maintain harmony in family relationships?
The holidays are left behind: a cheerful feast, a honeymoon, viewing gifts from friends and relatives. You are immersed in the hustle and bustle of living together, and a new stage begins: building a relationship between husband and wife. Each of us wants to create long-term relationships, but not everyone is able to realize the idea of a strong unit of society. What is harmony in the family: how to establish and maintain this fragile atmosphere?
History of the concept of “family harmony”?
The concepts of “harmony” and “psychological compatibility” originated several decades ago. In the 16th and 17th centuries, marriage and love were incompatible terms. It was believed that marrying a loved one was reckless. Medieval ideals were replaced by bourgeois ones, when women began to demand attention and care. The man had new responsibilities, including raising children. The woman got the opportunity to study, work, and express her opinion.
In the 19th century, marriage moved from patriarchal relationships to partnerships, when spouses shared the same burden. Here it has become inappropriate to demand complete submission and humility from a woman. Women began to actively demonstrate their authority and position. As Engels said, the family has become a unit of society. Along with the sexual revolution in the 20th century, an opinion emerged that the life of spouses should be harmonious, based on equality and mutual understanding between the two.
Identify the main criteria4
If you are still a single person, but are thinking about building a harmonious relationship, clearly define your search criteria. You must highlight for yourself certain aspects and character traits that your chosen one should have. You should be comfortable with him.
Remember that there are no perfect people, just make your loved one ideal for you. Once you realize that your partner has the qualities you were looking for, you can come to terms with other shortcomings. No matter how good you both are, there will still be something that will irritate you about each other. Don’t try to change a person, as this is the key mistake of all relationships, which will end sooner or later anyway.
It is important to accept a person as he is. And if something doesn’t suit you, either leave or start making changes with yourself. As soon as you change your attitude towards the situation, you will see that the person in your eyes will begin to change.
What are family relationships like?
Family relationships proceed according to a script, where everyone has their own role. Depending on who the husband and wife are in the relationship, family life proceeds according to one of four scenarios.
Patriarchal with a bias of despotism; Matriarchal, where the wife is the clear leader; Healthy matriarchy; Healthy patriarchy.
The first scenario assumes that the pope is an indisputable authority that no one has the right to object to. Mom silently carries out her duties and languishes in the role of a hunted mouse. Dad is a despot and mom is a shadow moving along the wall. What harmony can we talk about here! It is simply impossible to establish and achieve mutual understanding.
The second scenario offers a mirror image of the main characters: the wife-manager and the persecuted man. The wife holds the reins of power, and the man has completely shifted his responsibilities onto the woman’s shoulders. Is it possible to maintain harmony in such a family and is there happiness? The wife has all the rights, but at the same time she must be responsible for everything, including for her husband, who is not able to lend a shoulder in a difficult moment. Such a marriage lasts as long as the man can stand it.
The third scenario fully allows for the creation of a harmonious family. The wife earns more than her husband, solves problems, but asks her husband for advice and listens to him. The husband has found a second “mother” on whom he can shoulder some of the problems and who will endure the whims. It is possible to create harmony in such a family. Problems arise when children grow up. They adopt the behavior model of their parents and carry it into their lives.
The fourth option is the most common and most correct. A man is a breadwinner, a head who makes responsible decisions. A sorceress woman creates and maintains harmony in the family. At the same time, she is the neck that correctly guides her husband, giving the right advice.
The Foundation of a Strong Marital Relationship
Any relationship begins with love, and no matter what happens, it should always reign in the couple. Spiritual Economics tells us, “Let us love one another, for love is from God, and everyone who loves is born of God” (NRT, 1 John 4:7-8). Without love there is no harmony. It may subside at times, but never completely disappears.
However, for a marital relationship, love alone is not enough. It is necessary to establish a strong connection not only on a spiritual, but also on an earthly level: create a common life, take care of personal space, agree on raising children and caring for older relatives, and much more.
Understanding
The main reason for quarrels is that spouses do not hear or understand each other. Mutual understanding in the family is one of the pillars on which relationships rest. Without communication, he has nowhere to come from, so in order to begin to understand your soulmate, you need to talk, listen and hear.
Home life
No matter how much you would like to change it, there is no escape from the everyday routine. According to statistics, it is because of improper organization of joint life that most marriages are destroyed. If the home routine causes persistent rejection in the couple, it is necessary to jointly find a solution and reach a compromise.
To establish a common life, you will have to divide responsibilities and agree on who takes on what part of the household chores.
Intimate component
Married relationships differ from friendly relationships precisely in the intimate component. However, in many couples, passion subsides over time, and this is completely normal. It is not normal to accept this fact and do nothing.
If there is a time of calm in your relationship, take the situation into your own hands. A romantic date, an intimate candlelight dinner, or a change of scenery will help rekindle the spark of passion.
Children and comfort zone
Before getting married, you need to discuss future plans for your life together. When deciding to have children, you need to clarify several questions in advance:
- views on raising children;
- who will go on maternity leave;
- how the comfort zone in the house for spouses will be organized;
- how the joint leisure time will be spent.
There can be no talk of any harmony if a woman wants several children, and a man wants no more than one, or vice versa. This issue must be discussed in advance.
After the birth of a baby, life changes. Many find themselves unprepared for such drastic changes. It is important to come to a decision together about expanding the family and divide responsibilities in advance so that everyone in the marriage has time for themselves.
In addition, each person has his own views on relaxation. Some people want to be alone for a while after a working day, while others prefer active recreation - everyone has their own comfort zone. In a harmonious relationship, spouses respect the needs of their other half and know how to find a compromise when it comes to rest.
How to establish harmony?
In S.I. Ozhegov’s dictionary, harmony is harmony and consistency with something. If we talk about harmony within family life, it means mutual understanding and respect, harmony between spouses and children. Many people understand that establishing harmony is a primary task, but only a few do it. Young spouses create discord in a friendly atmosphere, guided by the attitudes and behavioral stereotypes that are laid down by the parental family.
From the moment a marriage begins, they put pressure on the shoulders of young people, preventing the development of harmonious relationships. They bring suffering until the husband and wife decide to live according to a new scenario. Another obstacle is internal complexes that prevent partners from meeting each other halfway. A vicious, vicious circle of mutual reproaches can last for years or decades.
Mature individuals can stop the flow of grievances and reproaches. After all, the actions of both spouses can establish and maintain harmony in the family. A mutual decision: “I want to live next to a person for the joy of myself and him” can restore broken relationships and create a harmonious atmosphere.
By accepting these rules, you should treat each other with confidence, allow your partner to express their positive and negative opinions, and conduct a dialogue. Maintaining harmony begins with ourselves, so each partner needs to strive for harmony and peace in their soul.
Feminine power
But in order for a family to be happy, not only perfect order in the house is important; harmony in the family plays a much larger role and brings tangible benefits. And much here depends on the woman, for it is she who has been the keeper of the family hearth since ancient times. Only in her power to create such conditions in the family that a man wants to be a defender of the interests of his family, not only its material values, but also moral principles and spiritual values. It is very important to distribute responsibilities in the family so that the workload of each member is equal and feasible, and each spouse remains equal and plays an important role in the process of creating a family idyll.
Harmony and love in marriage
The main feeling in a family is love. In love it is easy to take care of your spouse and children. It's easy to be faithful and stand up for a relationship. Feeling love, a person is able to share the suffering of his other half and sympathize with him. Mutual love allows you to protect the relationship so that nothing interferes with it. Love consists in the fact that a wife and husband feel the value of each other and see the potential for development. Over the years, passion turns into a deeper feeling on which harmony is maintained.
In love, it is easy to appreciate your partner, respect him, accept him with his shortcomings and give him freedom. Obstacles to harmony are distrust, misunderstanding, manipulation of feelings and substitution of concepts. This leads to jealousy, fear of loneliness and loss. A happy family is based on love and respect for values, providing personal space and freedom. If a person lives in harmony with himself, it is easy for him to bring peace into his life.
Family relationships. How to achieve harmony?
By Admin
And of course, not all family quarrels develop into such a wild turn; they show how important emotional literacy is in married life. For example, couples in strong marriages tend to stick to one topic, giving each spouse the opportunity to first present their point of view. But such spouses do not stop and take another important step: they show each other that they are listening carefully.
The feeling of being listened to is the main thing that an offended partner achieves. Therefore, the act of empathy is an excellent means of easing tension in family life. The worst disadvantage of spouses whose marriage is breaking up is the complete lack of desire or attempt on the part of the partners to defuse the situation during a quarrel. The desire or unwillingness to resolve a disagreement is the fundamental difference in family quarrels in successful and unsuccessful marriages.
Ways to correct the situation, which prevent the dispute from ending in a terrible explosion, is to follow simple rules. For example, the ability to not deviate from the topic during an argument, empathize with the other and reduce tension. Such measures act on the principle of an emotional thermostat, preventing feelings from boiling over and depriving the partner of the ability to focus on the problem under discussion.
The general tactics of married life are not to dwell on specific issues (children, sex, money, everyday life), which are usually the subject of quarrels, but to cultivate the emotional intelligence common to the family, thereby increasing the chances of successfully getting along with different opinions.
A little emotional competence - mainly the ability to calm yourself and a friend, the ability to listen and empathize - are the main helpers in resolving conflicts. In such a family climate, any differences in positions, the so-called “constructive battles,” are not scary and even useful. They will ensure well-being for the family and allow them to overcome shortcomings that, if not addressed, can destroy the marriage.
Of course, the habit of managing your emotions does not change instantly; it requires persistence and attentiveness. The ability of spouses to change the situation depends on the motivation that makes them change.
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Calm, just calm...
At the core of every strong emotion is a urge to action;
The ability to manage these impulses is the essence of emotional intelligence. And since in moments of emotional outbursts it is more difficult for a person to listen, think and clearly express thoughts in words, the ability to calm down is an extremely constructive move, without which progress in resolving the issue is impossible. When you have an argument, there is an easy way to calm down - take a break. Say, for example, “let's continue the discussion in 15 minutes or 1 hour.” To calm down, some psychologists recommend counting the pulse on your hand and, if it exceeds it, take a break, calm down, and catch your breath. You can simply count to ten, but it is better to hear your heartbeat and understand that with such a rapid pulse it is better to pause, since there is no clarity in your head. During a break, you can promote calm by resorting to relaxation techniques or performing some aerobic exercises.
Talking to yourself
How often are quarrels triggered by negative accumulated thoughts about your spouse? A key tool to prevent conflict is to talk to yourself in a way that dispels “toxic thoughts.”
Moods like “I’m not going to put up with this” are a landmine for exploding family life. As cognitive therapy specialist Aaron Beck points out, having caught these thoughts, you need to give them an explanation, not become furious, but begin to free yourself from their negative influence.
You need to analyze your dissatisfaction, separating objectivity from the subjective perception of a certain moment. Understand your partner's behavior by stepping into his shoes.
We must monitor such thoughts, realizing that there is no reason to believe them. It is worth making the conscious effort to realistically evaluate the facts and different points of view that will challenge your position.
For example, a wife, having decided at the most tense moment that “he doesn’t care about my needs, he thinks only about himself,” could refute this thought herself by reminding herself of her husband’s actions, which in essence this thought, by reminding herself of various actions husband, which essentially proved an attitude of care and attention on the part of the husband. As a result, her thoughts would take a different turn: “Come on, he does care about me sometimes, even if now he behaved carelessly and upset me.”
The second formulation opens up the possibility of change and a positive solution to the problem, while the first only fuels anger and resentment.
Source: “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman.
Feel your partner9
It’s strange, but many couples pay very little attention to this important fact. And for some, this point will be something akin to a big discovery. Have you ever thought about how your partner feels in a relationship with you? Not your feelings for him, but his for you? Are you sure that he feels good and comfortable next to you? This is a key factor, without which it is impossible to build any harmonious relationship.
Naturally, there are no universal recipes for building relationships, since each couple has its own special values. But the most important thing you can get from any relationship is experience. And whether it will be positive or negative depends only on you.
Source: intrigue.dating
