When married couples are on the verge of breaking up, partners accuse each other of all mortal sins. Most of all, such qualities as narcissism, selfishness and the desire to put one’s personal interests above the interests of a partner are subject to obstruction. Psychologists whose clients are divorced spouses confirm this feature: most often those couples break up in which at least one of the spouses suffers from a personality disorder (narcissism).
Diagnosing psychiatric illnesses is very difficult
In clinical practice, psychiatrists diagnose narcissistic personality disorder by assessing nine basic parameters. That’s why you shouldn’t label a person with whom you don’t have a good relationship the label “narcissistic egoist.” For a person who does not suffer from a personality disorder, the accusation “You only love yourself!” can be deadly. A true narcissist will not take these words to heart. The fact is that narcissistic people do not care at all about public opinion.
What to do? General recommendations
The basic principles of self-love are:
- Respect for yourself and your environment. A person who does not value himself cannot value those around him. That is why an integral part of self-love is self-respect and respect for others. Taking care of your health - both physical and mental. The first step that a person who loves himself can and should take is to take care of the state of his body and psyche. Do you have any physical illnesses? Do you need to visit a therapist or highly specialized specialist? Perhaps there are emotional difficulties that need to be resolved with a psychologist? Or do you suffer from sleep disturbances and need to visit a neurologist or somnologist?
- The ability to pamper yourself with things that bring joy and satisfaction. To do this, you need to determine what exactly brings pleasure. This is something different for each person. Some people like hiking in nature, others like caring for their own garden or garden plants, and others like creativity and art. One of the main psychological tips on how to love yourself is this: you need to learn to allocate time in your schedule for those things that really make you happy.
- Take care of yourself, do not take on more than you can handle, be it work or household chores. This is an important condition. After all, valuing and loving yourself means not deliberately forcing yourself to suffer. For example, if you don’t have time to cook dinner, you can find a replacement in the form of ordered food - fortunately, the modern assortment offers the opportunity to eat as you please. The same applies to other areas of life.
- Limit communication with unpleasant and negative individuals. Communication should bring joy and healthy emotions. First, people communicate with those who put them down, and then they ask: “Why don’t I love myself?” When a person communicates with someone who does not value him, it does not bring him much joy. Therefore, such ties must be severed.
- The ability to rest and relax. Work and fulfilling your duties are important, but do not forget that the body and psyche also need restoration.
- Enjoy life, be in the moment - here and now. A person who does not love himself often becomes depressed. He seems to be close to other people, but his consciousness wanders somewhere far away. In order not to have your head in the clouds (in the negative sense of this expression), you need to notice what the present moment offers. To do this, you should deliberately shift your focus to the “here and now.”
- Enjoy the little things. You need to notice something good every day. This allows you to develop a healing sense of gratitude, a sense of fullness of being and contentment with life.
A person who loves himself is one who can do anything. And he will undoubtedly achieve everything he dreams of.
Can narcissists love?
There is an opinion that narcissistic egoists do not know how to love. In a couple where one of the partners is busy with narcissism, psychologists see three scenarios for the development of events: accept everything as it is; try to change your partner; breake down. Most often, experts on family relationships advise their clients to try to save the marriage, which means making some changes (in themselves or in their partner). And only if measures to improve the situation are ineffective, the spouses are recommended two other options to choose from.
Inability to idealize
Oddly enough, from the point of view of psychiatry, the inability (inability) to love is literally a painful condition. In psychiatry, the inability to experience this feeling is often equated to a severe neurotic disorder. Why? For the reason that the person who seeks advice from a psychiatrist or psychotherapist has certain traits and symptoms that indicate pathology. Among which there is an inability and unwillingness to experience romantic feelings.
The very feeling of love presupposes a conditional idealization of the chosen object, be it another person or life in general, the world around us. If a person cannot or does not want to prescribe ideal traits to an object, she will not be able to truly love. The basis of such inability or reluctance, as a rule, lies fear: fear of attachment, fear of disappointment, fear of moral pain, fear of dependence, and so on. Experts note that very often people who do not know how to love are vulnerable, sensitive, anxious, suspicious and fragile.
If you ask people what love means to them, not everyone will be able to give an answer. This alone means that they never loved. Unfortunately, in my opinion, there are enough people in the world who are not able to experience this wonderful feeling, although, undoubtedly, everyone deserves it. I have no right to judge those who cannot love, because, just like any other gift, love is given by God, and the ability to love is undoubtedly a great gift.
Fortunately, I was able to experience this unusually bright feeling and I can try to tell you what love means to me.
Love is, first of all, a feeling that is born in the heart sometimes at the most unpredictable moment and we are unable to do anything about it. Of course, it all starts with falling in love, and if falling in love develops into love, then the lover can rightfully consider himself a happy person.
Love is harmony and euphoria at the same time. You need to be able to see it, feel it somewhere in the depths of your consciousness. This subtle skill also contains the ability to love.
Love is when you don’t want to be happy, but you want to make another person happy. This is not blind adoration of the object of love, but respect and the ability to appreciate him and his opinion. Love is not the worship of an ideal, but the realization that next to you is a truly dear person whom you understand and accept with all the shortcomings. You don’t just want to see your loved one more often, you want to live together. Love is not the present, it is the desire to see a future together. Only a person who realizes that it is worth living not only for himself, to respect and value not only his own opinion, but also the opinions of loved ones, can love. And I believe that every person should come to this.
Love is also forgiveness. Only those who are able to forgive are able to love.
You can talk about love forever, but the meaning will always remain the same.
Those people who cannot experience this feeling may be hampered by a lack of love and care in childhood, which leads to isolation and some kind of blocking of feelings. But it’s another thing when a person loves and does not recognize it. It’s worse when he doesn’t love you at all and tries to convince someone otherwise. I believe that many, if not all problems, including the inability to love, come from childhood.
In conclusion, I would like to say that there is nothing more beautiful and brighter than love in the world. I would like to wish everyone to get rid of their psychological problems and discover the ability to love in themselves. And then life will become much more joyful and filled with meaning.
Photo gallery: 7 signs that a man is incapable of love
It is difficult to find a woman who has not dreamed of meeting great, true love. However, not everyone manages to create relationships built on mutual love. Sometimes we come across people who do not know how to love. Most often, nature deprives men of this ability, who are generally stingy with emotions. Such people may experience affection, need intimacy, and even get married. But they are emotionally cold, and due to the specific features of their personality, they are not capable of strong feelings. According to research from the Florida Family Institute, 25% of people do not experience love.
There are different degrees of selfishness and narcissism
Most people have varying degrees of selfishness and narcissism: people with low self-esteem, with normal self-esteem, with high and even overly inflated ones. Some people may seem overly self-confident, selfish, self-centered and narcissistic. Some of them may have clinical levels of narcissism. The reasons for this phenomenon lie in deep childhood and are often associated with total parental love. Each time, the mother was delighted with the baby’s elementary actions, telling him every day how beautiful and wonderful he was. Subsequently, the child ceased to adequately perceive himself, but began to independently evaluate himself.
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When does narcissistic personality disorder appear?
Most often, a personality disorder begins to show its first signs in early adulthood. This mental disorder is characterized by disregard for the opinions and feelings of other people, delusions of grandeur, obsessive thoughts and the desire for selfish goals. Not every narcissistic person has all these traits at the same time. But there are also narcissists who “pass” in all respects (clinical personality disorder). It is impossible to build a harmonious relationship with people who do not want to spend their energy on their partner. In a couple where one spouse is a narcissist, the exchange of energy is like a one-way street. This union is beneficial only to one person, but for another it is a waste of time.
What's the matter?
A person who does not like people (misanthrope) evokes sharply negative emotions and associations in others. As a rule, when interviewed, he is characterized as an extremely unpleasant person. He is perceived as an angry person whose task is to initiate conflicts with other people.
Misanthropy is a rejection and feeling of hatred towards all humanity, the established rules of society, its moral and behavioral foundations.
This concept quite categorically describes a personality with its inherent negative character traits. And a person who does not love people appears before us in the form of a monster. However, in reality the degree of its manifestation may be different.
A person who does not like people, as a rule, experiences negative emotions towards the entire human society, which may not be reflected in its individual members. This is often expressed in contempt for established dogmas and behavioral stereotypes, weaknesses and the herd instinct promoted in society.
Such a person does not seek to develop close relationships with other people. Usually he has his own social circle, which is limited to a few individuals who do not cause him negative feelings.
Signs of a narcissistic personality
You are unlikely to be able to change a person who cleverly manipulates others and is busy insulting, humiliating and intimidating. Here, the ability to love is not associated with a mental diagnosis, and there is no effective therapy for this disorder. To assess the situation, listen to your inner voice and rely on your feelings. If you are uncomfortable with this person, if you are afraid of him, if you don’t know what to expect from him in the next minute, run from him like fire. It will never change and can be quite unpredictable.
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Why don't people like it?
The development of misanthropy can be facilitated by a number of reasons and problems that inevitably arise in the life of every person:
- Too much communication causes an overabundance and subsequently the accumulation of both positive and negative experiences. A person who has low stress tolerance may not be able to emotionally withstand such stress. An example is work related to constant communication and solving a number of problems placed on his shoulders.
- A state of depression resulting from unpleasant communication or lack of acceptance of a person in society.
- Self-esteem problems.
- Excessive sensitivity, an exaggerated thirst for the triumph of justice against the backdrop of a subtle mental organization can lead to disappointment in people and society.
- A sense of pride that blinds self-awareness.
- The feeling of loneliness when a person is not loved.
Inflated sense of self-importance
A narcissistic person has an exaggerated sense of self-importance and also strives to exaggerate his achievements and talents. In fact, this desire did not arise out of nowhere, and covers up an inferiority complex and strong self-doubt. These people require a huge amount of attention from their partners. But even if you try your best to comply with all the requirements, it will still not be enough. So, the main complaint of a narcissist towards a partner is lack of attention.
Angry reaction to criticism
The narcissist does not know how to gratefully accept words of constructive criticism. Even if you make a minor reprimand to him, he will immediately flare up in anger. In order to somehow even out the chances, a narcissistic person attacks the person criticizing him with unfounded accusations and insults. In response, he can endlessly criticize his partner, citing the desire to improve his other half. It seems that offense really is the best defense. That is why you are always “to blame” for his actions.
Archpriest Alexy Uminsky: Only Christ can teach people to love
Archpriest Alexy Uminsky for “The ABCs of Marriage”
Archpriest Alexy Uminsky is the rector of the Church of the Life-Giving Trinity in Khokhly in Moscow, publicist, writer, TV presenter for the ABC of Faith.
– In the 80s, in Soviet schools there was a subject “Ethics and psychology of family life.” Is it worth teaching something like this to schoolchildren today?
- Not an easy question. Times are changing quickly, and the ethics of relationships are changing. Of course, in any sense, a subject like the ethics of human relations or the psychology of human relations would be useful. In fact, it is very difficult to formulate what a family is for a modern person. We, as Orthodox Christians, gravitate towards traditional formulations of family, and try to insist that family is only what we understand and see, but the modern world has moved quite far away from the concept of a traditional family. It seems to me that if you introduce a subject about family relationships in schools, then it will, one way or another, run into the logic of sexual relationships, first of all, rather than traditional relationships. The question is what state the modern world is in, how it sees and understands the family. The modern world gives a complex definition to such a concept as family. This is not at all what it was like in the 19th century. And this is not how a family was formed in a traditional society, when the concept of family was class-based. People who entered into a union practically lived in conditions where they did not make personal decisions about marriage, and the issue of marriage was resolved primarily through the parents of young people, and, accordingly, the family itself became a serious structure, determined by the most traditional dominant of society. For example, we can remember that not so long ago in the middle of the last century in Western Europe, divorce was a difficult matter. Thus, Italian state laws did not allow divorce as easily as it can be done today. That's why films like "Divorce Italian Style" exist. Although we know that in Russia before the revolution it was the same: divorce was an extremely difficult matter, in order to get it you had to go through quite complex procedures, and entering into a second marriage was also not at all easy.
Before asking such a question, you need to decide whether there is such a need in modern society to introduce such a subject.
– It’s good if young people grew up in a family where there is an example of good, kind relationships between parents, there is love. And if the family is incomplete or there are constant conflicts at home, can some books or films help build a family and preserve it?
– We start talking about this problem as if we are at the point where all people understand what we are talking about. I think we need to shake things up a little because we are repeating the mantra about traditional values. Where are they, traditional values? For whom are they really valuable? We are constantly trying to pretend that what is certain things, traditional values in the church environment, are such for the rest of the world. Who is this for? For people who marry within the Church, for Russian society or for someone else? All people are different. No one has been learning life from films and books for a long time. Such systematic learning of life is possible only in a traditional or totalitarian society. In this case, the entire structure of education, training, and value system are presented as a state line for educating a new person, which was the case in the Soviet Union, when there is a certain social value accepted by the entire community. If we ask such a question within church life, there is something to rely on, because church society has its own axiology, there are things that we value, like Holy Scripture, Holy Tradition, based on which we can talk about the family. What kind of family can we talk about today in the framework of modern society, when we have so many divorces in our country? The number of family breakdowns is greater than the number of marriages. What films, books? "The Marriage of Balzaminov"?
– What questions do young people in the parish most often ask about starting a family?
– Young people who want to start a family are rarely concerned about advice. It is obvious that no matter what answers and advice they are given, their lives will turn out differently. Marriage in the 21st century, in the 20th and in the 19th centuries are completely different things. The preparation for marriage, the implementation, the implementation were different. Marriage before and now are things that are incomparable with each other. The most serious and important thing that is happening today is that young people are taking responsibility for marriage on themselves. Even when people got married in my time, in the 20th century, parents, among others, acted as guarantors of the marriage. It was customary that young people first get acquainted, then introduce themselves to their parents, adults look at the bride, at the groom, something happened that in the choice of young people at least somehow, at least in some way (at the end of the 20th century at the very least degree, but it was still) parents participated. It is not for nothing that during a wedding it is said: “Remember, O Lord our God, and the parents who raised them: for the prayers of the parents strengthen the foundations of houses.”
And in the 19th century and before that, marriages were carried out by parents. Let's remember: young men and women may not have known each other very well before marriage; their parents selected them for each other; young people were almost never responsible for their own choices. If marriage took place, then people met in the environment in which they were born and raised. It is difficult to imagine that the scion of a princely family would marry a peasant woman. “Poor Liza” by Karamzin is an impossible thing. It is obvious that aristocrats married aristocrats, representatives of the clergy - representatives of the clergy, merchants found companions and life partners among the merchants, and so on. There weren’t even such exits from class, because the whole marriage was social. It was guaranteed to be strong and solid, not because everyone knew how well to live in it, how to do the right thing, how to raise children correctly, but because there was no personal choice to the extent that it exists today. And the value of marriage was guaranteed not only by family ties, but also by the laws themselves in the state. At that time there were no abortions, because they were simply prohibited; there were no divorces, because they were also prohibited. There was nothing like that happening in the modern world left and right. Today, marriage is the responsibility of young people who have no life experience, no financial security, no home of their own, and often no reliable job. They only have feelings that they are ready to give to each other, convey, and they are little concerned about the opinions of everyone else on this matter. Therefore, whenever young people want to get married today, they will think ten times whether they should do it. They will be afraid that their union will become short-lived, unhappy, they will be afraid that they will get divorced (God forbid, children will be born, who will raise them), so they do not get married, but enter into intimate relationships to test their feelings, to see , what will happen next.
Young people do not approach a priest with such questions before they want to get married. If they have had some serious relationship experience, for example, they have been living together for three years and have not quarreled, nothing bad has happened, then now they can get married. They don't need advice or answers to questions.
– What mistakes lead to a breakdown in relationships?
– Mistakes are made throughout one’s life, and divorces and discord occur among people, even not among those who have just gotten married. Lately, I have been seeing divorces among people who have been married for more than 10 years, know each other well, who live in stable conditions, when there seem to be no financial problems. Suddenly it turns out that in these marriages, where teenage children, that is, the most painful and trembling age, the most terrible thing happens - divorce. When relatively young couples separate - not mature and not yet knowing each other very well, who got married and separated two years later - this is a mistake, anyone can make a mistake. Bad, terrible, but, in the end, not the worst thing. But I just see, probably, not only I alone, but a large number of priests will confirm that married marriages, marriages of priests after a long, long cohabitation, are breaking up! It is a disaster, a disaster, when people are unable to love, when their feelings are quickly exhausted, when there is terrible fatigue from each other, such serious fatigue that the spouses cannot be in the same room, when it is difficult for them together and they are unpleasant to each other . This is an absolutely terrible thing, this is the main question that faces us all today. And before the Church, including: what happens to our families, what happens inside marriage, what we call family today, and what we bring into the concept of the high purpose of the family as a small church.
The question here is that it turns out that today we do not have the so-called social bonds that kept families in past centuries. We lack a pedagogy of love. We simply find ourselves unable to love, because marriage is the only Christian field where a person is constantly tested for love. In any other place, a person can perform some individual deeds of love, respond from time to time to individual urges in order to suddenly become merciful, in order to suddenly become humble, in order to sometimes be somehow sacrificial. That is, these are some individual actions in our Christian life for which we, Christians, really value ourselves. And marriage is when you need to love constantly. And in the morning, and in the evening, and during the day. To love when you are tired, and when you are rested, and when you are full, and when you are hungry, and when you have problems, and when you don’t, when some difficult experiences happen in your family, and vice versa, when everything is easy... That is, you need to always be in a state of love. And suddenly it turns out that a person is not capable of simply loving. He doesn’t know how to love, he doesn’t know how to love his wife or husband, he doesn’t know how to truly love his children, who are constantly with him, this is the space of his life. This is where this trouble arises, this crisis of Christianity as such, a crisis of churchliness, because if we seriously call the family a small church, then it tests how capable you are of being a truly Christian every day, how ready you are to live according to the Gospel. If you are not capable of this within the family, then how can you be capable of this anywhere else?
– What would you advise married couples to preserve their family and strengthen relationships?
– It is impossible to give any rigid mathematical formulation; in a person’s life there are no prepared stencils or advice. But a person must learn to love, family is such an area of mutual humility, penetration into each other. It is also important in a Christian family how people understand their relationship to Christ, how the general religiosity of Christian families is for everyone a rule of strict fulfillment or life itself. After all, some external religiosity can also be an incentive for the preservation of the family, but it can be empty and dead; there can be some external attitudes that people adhere to. Often this external thing creates the appearance of a fortress and the appearance of safety, and many live their lives in a similar vein. It seems like a strong and stable family, but in essence these are such well-executed role functions of people who have undertaken to fulfill this role - to live in some kind of duty and responsibility. There may be no love at all, but love is a living thing, it cannot be subject to any rules, but it can be lived and treasured. If one of the two is unable to value it or this need is not obvious to someone, the family will collapse. Family is a big risk, just like human life in general. Only Christ can teach people to love, and not some external advice that can be given to a person in an interview.
– How can this be done practically, given that families where the spouses are churchgoers are also collapsing?
– You must want to love, and not use love.
– Often little things destroy relationships. For example, a dispute about who washes the dishes and who drives the car. Is it correct to divide housework into men's and women's?
“Maybe we need to separate, maybe not.” For example, I don’t know how to cook. Of course, if I’m alone, I can fry some eggs and cook dumplings. But only my wife can make some tasty and elegant dish, because she has a talent for it and she likes it. The same attitude towards some household things. I can wear unironed shirts, I don’t care whether they are ironed or not. I put a cassock on top of my shirt, and it’s invisible. But this is important for my wife, and that’s why she strokes me all the time. I know other families where husbands are excellent cooks, and even their wives are not allowed near the stove when guests come.
This is not even a question of some kind of agreement, but of an inner urge, a question of who is more capable of what. People always complement each other; one does not fully realize himself without the other. In a family, people give each other the opportunity through this completeness to finally become more perfect. The Lord created us as imperfect people, so that we could complement each other through love, and the family is an ideal co-creation in which people build each other up, so that everyone complements each other. That, in my opinion, is what family is.
– The family is the rear for the child, but what to do if adults cannot live in peace, they are constantly in conflict: is it always right to preserve the family for the sake of the children, or are there cases when it is better to get a divorce?
– Each family is a separate matter, each of them has its own crises, causes of discord, in a word – its own medical history. And in each case we need to understand, we are talking about specific people. It is wrong and irresponsible to say: “yes, you must save your family, no matter what the cost” or “no, it’s better to get a divorce.” Such decisions should not be made spontaneously; it is impossible to find one recipe or answer for all cases.
– What if there is no more love, and the children see the falseness?
– For the most part, marriages fail not for serious reasons (adultery, alcoholism), but for everyday reasons. Sometimes it’s simply because people are bored with each other. Because they were either not close from the beginning, or failed to maintain love. Divorcing people often reassure themselves: “It’s no one’s fault, we just don’t get along in character, we’re not suitable for each other.” But when love disappears, people are responsible for it. After all, it does not die on its own. They just don’t take care of it, but love must be maintained, like a fire in which wood is put so that it does not go out.
Interviewed by Alexandra Gripas
They don't like to be nostalgic for the past
Most people enjoy remembering some sweet moments from their past life. Good and pleasant memories shared between partners are a sign of deep affection. Egoists and narcissists do not know how to be nostalgic for the past. Any sentimental feelings are incomprehensible to them. That's why they never talk about the past with a smile.
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Ability for meanness
Another strong narcissistic trait is the capacity for meanness and antisocial behavior. At school, this person could have a reputation as a notorious hooligan or be registered with the juvenile affairs commission. In his adult life, the nickname “boor” firmly stuck to him. Despite his arrogance, anger, hatred of others, desire to insult and humiliate others, a narcissistic person is regarded as an immature person. The so-called school bully syndrome is not just a desire to insult or be sarcastic. When communicating with people, the narcissist belittles the merits of others, forgetting about justice and decency.
Lack of empathy
Another clearest sign of a personality disorder is a lack of empathy. It is no secret that each of us at one time or another can exhibit narcissistic or selfish tendencies. However, people tend to admit their mistakes and change their relationship strategy. A narcissist cannot do this because he does not know how to truly get close to other people, he is not familiar with the principles of mutual assistance, he does not know empathy and pity.
How to fix?
It is important to understand that misanthropy is not a disease, but a specific character trait of a person. It cannot be innate and is acquired only in accordance with the experience gained from participating in various squabbles in life. A person who does not like people cannot fundamentally change himself, but he is able to make efforts to abstract himself from his negativity and learn to live in society.
For this purpose, the following types of therapy can be carried out:
- A return to childhood, when all the grievances are petty, the joy is sincere, and the world is bright and problem-free. This helps you abstract from life's problems and feel loved.
- Animals, as part of psychotherapy, perfectly prove that emotions and love can be free and genuine. Communication with them charges you with positivity and distracts you from negative emotions.
- Loneliness, as a treatment for misanthropy, on the one hand contradicts the basic concept. However, the lack of time when a person is left alone with himself inevitably leads to psychological breakdowns and depressive states.
- A misanthrope who does not refuse to communicate with people, but does not want it in real life, can easily solve such a problem with the help of modern means of communication, such as the Internet.
- Replacing aggressive feelings with positive ones, such as empathy or humor. When thoughts are filled with negative opinions about a particular person, they can be easily replaced with positive emotions without changing the meaning. For example, the thought that the person standing in front of you is absolutely worthless can be replaced by: “Unhappy, he doesn’t even know how helpless and stupid he is.”
You don't have to try to please everyone. This is one of the extremes of one personality. You should understand and accept the fact that it is impossible to be loved by everyone, so you should not resist and step over yourself, enduring the rudeness or mockery of a person you don’t like. Not everyone is like that. There will definitely be someone with whom communication will be easy and trusting.
Solution
As we said, a narcissistic egoist will never change. He will lie to you, dodge, blame and manipulate. There is only one solution: end this relationship. A normal person cannot tolerate a narcissist for more than two minutes. Where do narcissists find potential victims? The answer is simple: if in your family model one of the parents was a narcissist, then the other was a weak character. You have become a hostage to this pattern and are being patient, demonstrating a victim mentality.
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