War under the blanket or how to overcome a family crisis?

Crisis in marriage: searching for problems

The development of relationships is always at the heart of a turning point in family life. Therefore, most often it is not easy to find the causes of a family crisis, because what prevents one couple from moving on, becoming a stumbling block, the other, on the contrary, helps in overcoming difficulties.

What are the symptoms of a crisis in family relationships?

Problems in marriage do not arise out of nowhere; most often, they are a consequence of everyday life and the influence of seemingly trifles. Svadebka.ws suggests considering the main alarm bells that signal the onset of a family crisis:

• Absence or, on the contrary, a large number of conflicts - are you tired of quarrels in the house, or perhaps complete calm in family relationships is starting to alarm you? Think about it, this is most likely the first sign of a crisis in a marriage.
• Blaming each other for all problems is a constant search for those to blame, unwillingness to hear an opinion opposite to yours.
• Excessive independence - pulling the blanket over oneself; one of the partners strives to resolve all issues in his own way, without taking into account the interests of the other.
• Obsession - discussing the same problems "to hell" or lack of communication in the family.
• The end to personal development for the sake of the family - a woman turns into a boring housewife, forgetting about herself and devoting her life to her husband and children.
• Workaholism - a man prefers to while away his evenings at work, ignoring his loved ones. Usually he is driven to such an act by a bad experience - he was unable to assert himself in the family.
• Lack of intimate life - one of the partners constantly avoids sex.

Family crisis: types and characteristics

There is a concept of the most explosive family ages, which can affect the quality of a marriage or even cause divorce. Let's take a closer look:

1. The first crisis in the family often happens in the first year of marriage. Not all spouses manage to go through the grinding-in stage; unfortunately, statistics say that approximately 50% of the dissolution of concluded unions occurs during the first year from the wedding day. Love each other unconditionally, then this crisis is definitely not scary for you!

2. Read also:  Top 13 myths about divorced men. Psychological characteristics of a man after divorce
3. The crisis of the birth of the first child - those who managed to survive the first test, after a few years (namely 2-3), are at risk again. The wife devotes all her strength to the baby, paying less and less attention to her husband. Sex life deteriorates, a man begins to see shortcomings in his woman and this may well push him to cheat. The wife notices the change in her husband’s mood, gets nervous, jealous, and begins to make trouble. Mutual readiness of partners for parenthood, in fact, makes it possible to avoid a crisis.
5. The crisis of the wife's return to normal life - after 3-5 years of marriage, a period comes when the woman goes to work and she has to cope with work responsibilities, be a good mother for the child, pay attention to her husband and not forget about her appearance. Forced seclusion during maternity leave can suddenly give way to the need for emotional experiences, which is why a woman is prone to cheating. Romance in family relationships, a return to the candy-bouquet period can serve as a lifeline for spouses.
6. The crisis of seven years of marriage (monotony) - the spouses are fed up with each other, because their life together lasts about 7-9 years. Everyday life is depressing, sometimes it seems that one of the partners does not share the interests of the other, and romance does not bring pleasure. Cheating begins, and thoughts of divorce usually do not arise at the current stage. Family values ​​will be the key to overcoming the identified problems.
7. The crisis of the fortieth birthday - there is almost always a deterioration in sexual relationships. The realization that life is slowly passing and only old age awaits ahead pushes a large number of men (statistically, every fifth) to divorce. If you create the correct illusion of youth, the crisis will not pose a threat, even after 13, or even 20 years of marriage, but you need to act if there is a mutual desire.

Relationship crisis: periods and causes

The times of difficulties between a man and a woman who love each other fall into the following periods :

• year;
• three to five years;
• seven;
• twelve to fifteen;
• twenty years.

Remember, these are approximate terms of the crisis.
If he is not in your life, you need to be happy and not tune in to the bad. Causes :

• unwillingness to accept the beloved’s individuality and his point of view;
• lack of desire to compromise;
• lack of communication;
• money issue.

Stages of crisis in relationships

A family or connection between people can be compared to a living organism that is constantly developing or changing. People change with her.

It's impossible to go with the flow. This can lead to destruction. Relationships need to be built.

The first stage of difficulties and problems arises when the candy-bouquet period ends . The stage of sobering up begins.

The chosen one or chosen one no longer seems so ideal. Some of your partner’s habits begin to irritate you. There is a gradual fading of sexual desire. Interest in the life of a loved one decreases.

Relationship crisis by year

There are periods of time when complexity manifests itself most clearly.

One year

Statistically, most relationships end in the first year. This is the first difficult stage.

People stop trying to please and impress their other half. It turns out that everyone may have different goals in life and different ideas about family.

Routine life takes away the shine of a fresh relationship - you begin to perceive your partner completely differently.

At this stage, people evaluate each other's qualities and decide whether they will continue to build something with each other in the future. Many people primarily want to receive, not give.

To overcome the turning point at this stage, you need to try to understand, seek a compromise, accept some of the shortcomings of your loved one, and learn to solve everyday issues together.

Difficulties of three to five years

A child may appear in the family. The woman begins to devote more time to the baby, the man fades into the background. Sexual activity decreases .

Often the conflict is the unwillingness of one of the couple to have children. To establish intimacy at this time, you need to try to devote more time to each other, to do pleasant things for your loved one.

If you have children, you need to try to develop the right daily routine for them, then the spouses will have time to spend alone.

A difficult period of seven years

At this time, boredom appears in marriage . Almost every day is the same, there are no bright emotions. It is necessary to exclude irritating factors, try to bring back the romance, and have an interesting time.

At the seven-year crisis, full-fledged boredom begins from time spent with a partner.

Twelve to fifteen years of marriage

Typically, a couple grows up their children and then moves out of their parents' home. The spouses feel emptiness and loss of meaning in life.

The worst thing is for those couples whose connection was maintained only by raising children together. Just like in other periods, spouses need to be interested in each other.

Perhaps find a common hobby, try to lead an interesting, rich life.

Living together for twenty years

Difficulties are associated with the loss of the meaning of life, revaluation of the values ​​of men and women. Many divorces also occur at this stage.

Relationship crises before marriage

Before marriage, the chosen one or chosen one may disappoint at the first physical intimacy. Usually the moment of first sex with a loved one is very exciting, so the first intimacy is far from ideal.

Also, often the relatives of a guy or girl do not support the choice of a given companion.

Let your relatives understand that no matter how they feel about the choice, they are primarily expected to provide support and understanding.

Crisis in the relationship between husband and wife

One of the common situations that indicate the onset of difficulties is the lack of sexual interest in your loved one.

At first, the couple begins to have sex less often. A woman or a man tries to find various reasons for refusing intimacy . There is no excitement, sex turns into a routine.

Some people resign themselves to this situation, switch to work or hobbies, others begin to cheat on their other half.

This situation is not hopeless. Currently, there are many ways to develop intimacy and add variety to lovemaking.

There's no need to turn your bedroom into a red room from 50 Shades of Gray, but it won't hurt to add some variety to your sex life.

Everyone has their own erotic fantasies. They may change over time. It is necessary to try different ways of getting pleasure in order to get to know yourself or your significant other from an unexpected side.

Decreased interest

The more time people spend together, the more they get to know each other. There comes a time when a person becomes predictable. A gradual decline in interest begins .

This can be avoided if each partner tries to develop and learn something new. Then loving people will always discover something interesting about their soulmate.

Mutual reproaches and complaints

Mutual reproaches and claims can destroy the strongest relationships.

To reduce conflicts to a minimum, it is necessary to criticize not the person himself, but his actions or behavior. And do this in the mildest possible manner.

You must try to avoid grins , caustic remarks, and sarcasm towards a loved one.

Various life positions

Every person changes throughout his life. Tastes, hobbies, goals, and outlook on life may change.

It happens that one of the couple grows, and the other is satisfied with everything.

If your chosen one suddenly falls in love with drawing, and you do not support her hobby, do not be surprised if this causes a negative response.

There are situations when lovers see the future goals of the family differently , when they have different views on life. Such a discrepancy in views and goals often provokes conflicts.

The reason for the crisis of the modern family

Currently, in a modern family there are many reasons for quarrels and conflicts. Now there is no need to fight for survival, the couple has more free time.

Thus, the reasons may be unjustified expectations, issues of raising children, and fading sexual interest.

The crisis is coming: what to do?

Regardless of how many years you have been married - a year or 20, it is important to understand that any crisis in marriage gives the spouses a chance to reach a new level of family relationships. A turning point in a couple’s life is the driving force behind family development. Feel free to say “no” to depression, and our portal Svadebka.ws will be happy to share with you the secrets of a long and happy family life. What can you do? See the answers to the main question below:

1. Support. Maximum participation in the partner’s problems can melt the ice between spouses.
2. Hear and understand. Silence destroys families, so if you don't understand something, ask. Talk about your feelings, because communication is the basis of a family. Don’t leave your partner alone with your thoughts, be interested.
3. Don't demand. Allow the person to cool down during the critical period, do not insist now and this very minute.
4. Don't sacrifice yourself. These kinds of concessions will only make your situation worse. Do not forget about yourself, completely dissolving in your loved one.
5. Do not escalate the situation during depression. Believe me, in such a difficult situation this will not work to your advantage. Please note that most often depression is a consequence of a boring and mundane lifestyle.
6. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Learn to evaluate the situation from both sides.
7. Have your own personal space. To do this, it is not at all necessary to run away from home, just each family member should have a place of solitude.
8. Do not accumulate secret grievances. It is better to quarrel, psychologists say, and not to remain silent about the problems that have arisen. The ability not to turn a quarrel into a scandal will allow you to sort things out and move on without hidden grief.

Don't be afraid of a crisis in family relationships! A large number of couples have no idea that such a concept exists and cope with the problems that arise with a bang. Each joint overcoming of difficulties is a huge leap forward. Know how to listen and hear your partner. Read about how to diversify family relationships on our portal.

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Difficulties of family life

And now you put everything aside: anger, rage, malice, slander... Most of all, put on love, which is the totality of perfection.

(Col. 3:8, 14)

There is discord in the family - I’m not happy at home either.

Russian proverb

Have you ever wondered why conflicts, quarrels, scandals, disputes most often happen between the closest people: husbands and wives, parents and children, spouses and their relatives? Especially if these people live under the same roof. Why do our dear, beloved loved ones get the most from us? I was very concerned about this question, I was looking for an answer to it and, having summarized some knowledge on this topic, I came to the following conclusions. Passions and sinful habits live in every person: anger, irritability, pride, selfishness, the desire to insist on one’s own, laziness, a tendency to despondency, sadness, grumpiness, causeless mood swings and much, much more. But when we are outside the home: at work, visiting, in the company of friends, in public places, our passions hardly break out, do not reveal their presence, they are hampered by our natural shyness, norms of social behavior, fear of incurring the wrath of our superiors and lose our jobs, we are afraid of losing the favor of our friends and ruining our reputation. And the point here is not even some kind of hypocrisy and duplicity on our part, but the fact that it is easier to restrain ourselves with people who are not close: we are more embarrassed by them. But when we come home, all those negative inclinations that nest in our soul can no longer be hidden; sooner or later they will jump out, since at home those brakes and restraining principles that we have already talked about no longer work. “You can’t hide an awl in a bag,” “water will find a hole.” If a person does not carry out spiritual work to combat passions, does not educate his soul in the acquisition of virtues, does not understand that his sinful inclinations, the bad traits of his character greatly interfere with him and his loved ones, he cannot be shy and endure for a long time - passions will find a way out , and they will find him at home, in a familiar environment. At home, a person no longer hides, is no longer shy; he is who he is. If some of us have in our souls the passions of anger, pride, despondency, etc., then woe to his family: they will have to endure a lot from him. Once I listened to a speech by a certain priest on the Internet - unfortunately, I could not find out his name; So, this priest said a very wise thing: only the Lord God and our family see us better and more objectively than anyone else in the world; It is impossible for us to hide from them, and they see our true state better than ourselves. And our loved ones know not only our good sides, but also our weaknesses and vices.

I knew one man who was prone to anger and irritability; he could often take out his bad mood on others for no apparent reason. But he did this: he gave free rein to his vice at work, and rarely did anyone get it from him, and when he came home, on the contrary, he was affectionate and polite with his wife. This, of course, is also not an option. Is it the fault of others that someone has an intolerable character? My friend did not treat his passion, but simply changed its vector. He used his employees as a lightning rod for his anger. What conclusion can be drawn from all this? If we want peace with our loved ones and family well-being, we need to fight passions, correct our character, otherwise we will not see happiness.

The second reason why it is close people who most often conflict is that we really love them, they are closer to us than any other people with whom we may quarrel less. We are simply not indifferent to our loved ones, their attitude towards us, their behavior, their life worries us very much, but, unfortunately, we often cannot address them in the correct and calm manner, express what we want to convey to them. And discussions with relatives about a problem that worries us often ends in quarrels and resentments. This also happens because, again, we are not ashamed of them and do not think about the fact that our words may offend someone. So it turns out that with those far away we can conduct brilliant negotiations and resolve a very complex work issue, but with those close to us we cannot discuss a trivial problem.

I have already said that, of course, life is easier for a single person in many ways: he does not have to constantly adapt to someone else, resign himself, or fight with himself. It happens like this: an unmarried person lives; Everything with him is stable and well-established, at work he has good relationships with colleagues and superiors, with friends he is simply the life of the party. But then a man marries - out of great love, as it seems to him. And after three months problems begin: misunderstandings, quarrels, arguments over trifles. Oh, “how young we were, how sincerely we loved...” Where does all this go? In the article about falling in love, it was already mentioned that this initial feeling is given as a gift to newlyweds from God to help two very different people smoothly enter the mainstream of family life. So that they, united by love, can survive the difficulties of the first year of marriage (which, by the way, is considered by psychologists to be the most difficult), get used to and adapt to each other. Along with smoothing out mutual roughnesses, a change in the feelings of the spouses should occur, their mutual love should grow and strengthen. It should be remembered that falling in love will not last forever, but if spouses work on their relationship, strive for peace and unity, then love should replace it. Marital love is also not a static feeling. In a good marriage, it undergoes changes and grows along with the spouses themselves. Years go by, living conditions change, but if spouses have love and keep it, then it helps them survive all everyday difficulties and crises. And then the trials endured not only do not break the marriage, but, on the contrary, strengthen marital feelings.

Love is always a gift from God, and either the husband and wife, having the first feeling at the beginning of marriage, were able to preserve it, and then the Lord gives them love for their fidelity, or the spouses cultivated mutual love for many years, and they are rewarded with love for your efforts and patience.

But, in any case, love is given for a reason, but for considerable work, the desire for unity and the efforts of the spouses. If spouses always remember the goal - to be together and, despite any difficulties, to love each other, everything will be fine for them.

Remember, in a conversation about family happiness, I, using the saying of L.N. Tolstoy, named the principles that unite all happy families? Now is the time to talk about what unhappy families have in common, what underlies family problems. In my opinion, family unhappiness occurs for three reasons:

– misunderstanding of the goals and objectives of marriage and family life. Moreover, this misunderstanding can occur on the part of one or both spouses. They don’t really understand and think about why they start a family and how to build a family life;

- separation of spouses. And as a consequence of this, there is a loss of unity and love. Instead of uniting and starting to overcome family difficulties together, the spouses scatter in different corners and no longer live a common life there, but each separately;

– inability and unwillingness to talk calmly and solve problems. If conflicts, quarrels, etc. often occur in a family, this does not always indicate a lack of love in this family. People can be very attached to each other and wish each other well, but at the same time they are completely unable to communicate and resolve controversial situations.

Now about all this in a little more detail.

So, a lack of understanding of the goals and objectives of marriage. For a modern person, things are generally very “tense” with life goals and objectives. If they exist, they are somehow very strange. And in family matters there is even more “complete darkness.” Approximately 70% of young people of marriageable age do not marry at all, and the remaining 30% have very vague ideas about how to build their family life. The general illiteracy on issues of family and marriage, raising children in our time can only be compared with the denseness of modern people in matters of spiritual life. These are all, of course, diseases of our time. Of course, family problems and conflicts have always existed. They also existed in the times of Tolstoy. Of course, we should not idealize that time too much, but we can learn a lot from the people of the past. In general, the situation with family and marriage was much better. Why? Our great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers knew very well why they were starting a family and how it should be done. Without any psychological books and conversations with psychoanalysts. They simply absorbed all this wisdom with their mother's milk. We learned to understand why a family is created and how a husband and wife should behave, using the example of their parents and immediate relatives. They also knew about the duties of men and women from the Holy Scriptures. And if not everyone could read it themselves due to illiteracy, they regularly heard it in church.

Simply by carefully observing the roles given to them by God: husband and father, wife and mother, they avoided many family conflicts. The goals and objectives of family life were well clear: the family was perceived as service and responsibility; it was created not for pleasure and to satisfy their egoism, but to work together and raise children. The man and woman knew their roles very well: the man was the head and breadwinner of the family, according to the commandment “by the sweat of his brow” he earned his bread (see: Gen. 3:19), and the wife “was saved by bearing children” (1 Tim. 2:15 ), gave birth and raised children. There were a lot of children being born back then, and daily bread was not easy, which meant there was almost no time left for conflicts. Again, regarding children. Modern children, as a rule, grow like grass, on their own; no one is particularly involved in their upbringing. As a result, we get all the same problems and conflicts in adolescence and earlier. In pre-revolutionary Russia they knew: children are our future in the literal and figurative sense, and they attached great importance to their upbringing. In addition, parents remembered: if you don’t raise your children to respect and honor their parents, who will take care of you in old age? After all, there were no pension funds or social benefits; only children could take care of elderly parents.

What about the relationships between mother-in-law and son-in-law, daughter-in-law and mother-in-law? Did no one eat each other there too? I once watched a program in which the conflict between the above personalities was discussed. Famous writers, writers and literary scholars were invited to discuss. And all these people, from the entire huge body of Russian pre-revolutionary classical literature, could name only two works where this conflict is described! This is the drama “The Thunderstorm” by A.N. Ostrovsky, where the well-known Kabanikha, mother-in-law of the main character Catherine, is present, and also “Vassa Zheleznova” by M. Gorky, which also contains a description of the clash between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. But literature is a mirror of the life of society of that time. Why are conflicts between son-in-law and mother-in-law, daughter-in-law and mother-in-law a legacy of Soviet times? Again, due to the destruction of traditions and family foundations. Which mothers-in-law have the most conflict with their sons-in-law? Those who do not value their husbands at all have made them henpecked. And now they have switched to their daughter’s husband. If a wife is accustomed to respecting a man as the head, the owner of the house, she, as a rule, respects her son-in-law. Again, if the son-in-law is not childish, not a slacker (like many modern young people), but the real head and breadwinner of the family, the mother-in-law will respect him as a young master. People of the past also had great respect for their elders, which is also why conflicts between the older and younger generations were not so common before the revolution.

When men and women, husbands and wives, mind their own business and know their roles well, families are strong and there are few family problems. If a man devotes himself to his work, he likes it, if he is responsible for his family, feeds it, gets tired of his work, but at the same time receives satisfaction from it, will he have time for quarrels and drinking? And when a wife devotes all her strength to raising numerous children and takes good care of her home and household, will she really want to dominate her husband, “nag” him day and night? With the right lifestyle, the husband will have an incentive to go to work and not sit on his wife’s neck. Yes, of course, it was easier for our ancestors in some ways: the whole system, the very way of life of that time contributed to the creation of a good, strong family. Now the time is different, revolution, emancipation and liberalism have spoiled both women and men. That time can never be returned. But times change, but the laws of spiritual and family life, bequeathed to us by God, remain the same. And these laws have always helped and will help in all centuries and times to build a family and avoid conflicts.

Let's take some stock and remember once again what helped our great-grandfathers in their family life. It was also not easy for them, like us, because when creating a family, two very different people meet, who have to become one in marriage. This difference, the dissimilarity of upbringing, characters, habits, is most often the cause of marital conflicts. But people of the past understood very well that they had one big common goal - to create a family and serve this family. When people know that they have gathered to do a common cause, it is easier for them to agree and work together.

Another very important point: the ancestors did not waste time and energy on empty quarrels and disputes on the topic: who is the boss in the house? They knew: there are two owners - the master and the mistress, each is responsible for his own, but the main one is still the husband - the head of the family. They did not take on roles that were unusual for them, but were simply real men and women.

The Gospel says: “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Matthew 6:21). This means that we will love and cherish the treasure (what is valuable to us). In ancient times, the family was a great value, people preserved the family and took care of it. What destroys a family? Our passions, which were discussed at the beginning of this conversation: anger, irritability, pride, pride, despondency.

And it is also said: “What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul?” (Matthew 16:26). And if we harm our family, if people close to us suffer from our behavior, from our sins, then we are harming our soul. And if with our quarrels, strife, and conflicts we destroy the most important thing - the soul and family, then we no longer need the whole world with its material benefits. This is what we should remember every time we want to say a caustic, offensive word to a loved one or give vent to anger and grumpiness.

We, family people of the 21st century, of course, have a very difficult time in family life. Our ancestors unconsciously internalized the experience of family traditions of past generations. And the whole structure of life at that time contributed to a correct view of family and marriage. We have to make considerable efforts, think about how to come to an agreement in the family, taking into account the interests of both spouses, and read special literature. But the experience of past generations can also greatly help us in family building.

Nowadays, in order to reach mutual understanding and avoid conflicts, spouses simply need to learn to talk calmly and without emotions with each other on a variety of topics, and learn to solve a variety of problems together. To ultimately achieve the desired consensus. (By the way, there is nothing wrong with this word, although it is a little “tired” due to the frequent use of it by M.S. Gorbachev. And the word “consensus” in Latin simply means “agreement.”)

In all controversial, ambiguous issues, spouses should seek a compromise, make mutual concessions, and find a solution that would suit both parties.

There is no need to be afraid to discuss problems and run away from them. Psychology says: when a problem is not solved, it “grows up.” If you regularly wipe the dust, it will be easy for you to remove it, but if you do not sweep away the dust for a whole year, it will be very difficult to remove the accumulated dirt later. It’s the same with an unexplained problem: the longer you don’t solve it, the more difficult it is to solve it later.

The more spouses talk and communicate, the more understandable they are to each other, the easier it is for them to find agreement. In families where husband and wife know how to communicate calmly, there are very few conflicts.

Here's what we can say briefly about family problems. Next, I will try to expand on this topic in more detail in answers to specific questions.

I would also like to tell everyone who is interested in the topic of family conflicts that my new book “Family Conflicts. Prevention and treatment." It can be purchased at the Sretensky Monastery bookstore, as well as at other central Moscow bookstores.

(To be continued.)