Married to an ex-husband - to be or not to be a return marriage?

How to make the right decision - whether to marry your ex-husband?

As a rule, the thought “Maybe try again?” arises only if the separation from the husband was not accompanied by serious hostility , division of property and other “joys” of divorce. The new gentlemen do not inspire confidence, relationships stubbornly do not work out with anyone, the children do not want to share their mother with an unknown uncle, and even that “good old husband”, it seems, was nothing like that. Why not, in fact, try it?

Such thoughts arise in half of divorced women who have maintained more or less normal relationships with their husbands. So is it still worth stepping on the already familiar “rakes”, or is it better to go around them a kilometer away, or even put them in the barn, out of sight?

How to get married a second time?

It is difficult for a woman to remain alone, but at the same time she is afraid that the next relationship will follow the same scenario, so the question of whether she should get married a second time is relevant for her.

Almost all divorced women for the first time after separation believe that they will never get married again

Divorce is not the end of the world. A second marriage is more than possible for a woman, as well as a third and all subsequent ones.

To get married successfully, you need to take these simple tips into account:

Close the “door” to your previous relationship. It is impossible to start a new life if mentally you are still in the old one.
Set a goal. Visualize your desire for a successful marriage. Describe your future husband on a piece of paper. Consider everything - appearance, character, attitude towards you and towards life.
Do not look for the father of a child from your first husband. He has a father. It is important that the man shows kindness and respect for the child, and paternal feelings will arise over time.
Don't settle for a relationship without commitment. The so-called “civil” marriage is also a relationship without obligations that will become ballast for you. Let the man know that you will live together only after submitting an application to the registry office.

Considering these recommendations, there is every chance of becoming happy in your second marriage. If you initially draw clear boundaries and let your man know what kind of relationship you are looking for, he will definitely propose to you.

How to remarry

What to rely on when making a decision?

First of all, based on your desire...

Force of habit? Having lived with her husband for 2-3 years (not to mention a long life together), a woman gets used to a certain way of life, to common habits with her husband, to his manner of communication, etc. The force of habit pushes many into the “time-tested” embrace, often - despite the frayed wings.
If the formulation of the reason for the divorce sounded traditional - “they didn’t get along” - then why did you decide that now your characters would definitely get along? If you are categorically different people, and you are not able to share your troubles and joys, then you are unlikely to be able to do this again. If you, a pathological fan of cleanliness, were shivering from scattered socks, crumbs in bed and pasta caps on the sink, then will you be strong enough not to notice these “terrible sins” of your husband in a remarriage?
If you realize that your spouse is an incorrigible Don Juan , and with all the universal love for you, he will continue the list of love victories until old age deprives him of his irresistibility, then think about whether you can walk this path with him? And remain a wise wife, turning a blind eye to her husband’s “petty affairs.” Can you do it if you couldn’t do it the first time?
“ I realized that there is no one better in the whole world than you! I can not live without you. Forgive and accept your prodigal husband,” he says, falling to his knees in front of your door with a bouquet of roses and another ring in a beautiful box. As life shows, half of such return marriages actually give rise to new strong relationships. Especially if your relationship was built on deep feelings and was destroyed by the intervention of a third party (another woman, his mother, etc.).

Is this the right decision?

Few people understand women who marry their ex-husband. From all sides they are “treated” with advice on the topic “what you didn’t understand the first time,” etc., but few people take into account that in front of them is not a little child, but an adult. This is not about the relationship between high school students who ran away and then decided to date again, but about adults who made a serious decision. Does anyone have the right to impose their experience on them? Probably not.

If you do not suffer from memory lapses and have learned from past relationships, then you understand that the situations that once brought your marriage to divorce may repeat. If you are ready to accept this or they no longer seem so significant to you, then remarrying your ex-husband has every chance of happiness.

So what should we do?

To begin with, shake off the romantic flair and turn on the “sober look at the situation” mode .

It is clear that he with a bouquet and with longing in his eyes is very cute. And his desire to return you is so flattering. And he himself smells so familiar that you can jump into his arms right now. I even want to pour him tea, feed him borscht and, if he behaves well, leave him overnight. And then the children came running - standing, rejoicing, they say, “the folder is back”...

But will it be possible to forget everything? Forgive everything? Build relationships again without repeating past mistakes? Is love even alive? Or are you drawn simply out of habit? Or because living as a single mother is very difficult? Or because you’re just tired without a man in the house?

Second marriage for a man

Getting married a second time is just as psychologically difficult for a man as it is for a woman. As they say, if you burn yourself with milk, you blow water. However, sooner or later the question “is it worth getting married a second time” will arise.

Many men, after their first marriage, lose the meaning of officially registering their relationship

And if he has already been in a second marriage, then deciding on a third is many times more difficult. The third marriage for a man, just like the third marriage for a woman, is perceived as if they were stepping on the same rake. After all, nothing has worked out twice already, where is the guarantee that third marriages will be happy?

Indeed, there is no such guarantee, and fear is quite natural. It is important to understand that any relationship is unpredictable , and, alas, no one is immune from troubles. But to be afraid of wolves, don’t go into the forest, right?

A man is afraid of remarriage

You need to decide for yourself the issue of remarriage yourself. The main thing is not to drag past negative experiences into your present. Be happy here and now and help your partner with this.

Advantages of returnable marriage:

You know each other well, all the habits, disadvantages and advantages, needs, etc.
You are able to realistically assess the prospects of your relationship, weighing each step and understanding what will follow.
You are able to find an approach to each other.
Your children will be happy about their parents' reunion.
The effect of “newness” in a relationship refreshes your life together in every sense - you start everything with a blank sheet of paper.
The candy-bouquet period and the wedding give deeper emotions, and the choice itself is more meaningful and sober.
You don't need to get to know each other's relatives - you already know them all.
Understanding the problems that led to the breakdown of the first marriage will help in strengthening the second union - it is easier to avoid mistakes if you “know the enemy by sight.”

Is it worth it? What are the benefits of remarriage?

Sometimes a woman is forced to remarry in order to provide for children. In the old days, she had no choice. True, ladies then were more often widowed than divorced. Now, of course, times are different. A man and woman remarry out of love, not out of desperation. However, you should not write off the feeling of loneliness.

So what are the main advantages of re-union?

Your invaluable experience is behind you. It helps to avoid many mistakes, take your time, and treat your partner more carefully. Any experience makes you wiser, more holistic, and gives you an understanding of what is really important. This means that the chance of becoming happy in a new marriage increases.
Creating a family. When the pain from the breakup subsides, life returns to its usual rut, people again want a loved one nearby. So that the family is complete. To have someone to share joy and sorrow with, as they say. This is human nature; loneliness is not typical for us. We are all looking for a worthy companion.

After all, what is remarriage in the first place? New family. And if there is one more happy family in the world, this is a huge plus. It is also important for children to see a model of a harmonious family, where two people love and respect each other and raise offspring together. Yes, here it turns out that the child has two dads and two mothers, if the second parent also got married. But the main thing is that adults get along with each other and do not interfere with communication with children.

As you can see, the advantages are significant. However, the fear of getting burned again does not go away on its own. This stops many girls from remarrying. Think about why you are afraid to step into the same river twice if you were married? Or why does your man’s experience alarm you, what exactly bothers you, makes you think? Yes, any relationship requires work, especially from a girl, but at the same time, it brings satisfaction with life, inner fulfillment, gives harmony and, finally, that same feminine happiness. Remember this. You have the power to make your new marriage strong.

If you also have a programmed script, uncertainty about the future, dislike for yourself, distrust of men, do not let it happen. Come to my master class “House of Harmonious Relationships” and you will learn how to build a truly happy union, no matter what kind of attempt you or your man makes. Follow the announcements here on my official website of the Pavel Rakov shopping center. And also look at the programs of my other courses, there are free materials, look at the “Ideal love relationships” section. Here are recommendations and main secrets of happy couples.

Write, what could keep you from getting married again? Do you believe in happiness on the second or third try? Or are you already desperate? Write, I am always ready to help you.

Disadvantages of returnable defects:

If a lot of time has passed since the breakup, your partner may have had time to change significantly. You don’t know how and what he lived with all this time. And it is quite possible that the person he has become will push you away even faster than in your first marriage.
A woman, under certain circumstances, tends to idealize her partner. If she is lonely and hard, the children are driving her crazy with disobedience, at night she wants to cry into her pillow from hopelessness, and then he appears, practically dear, with a fiery look and the promise of “together again and already to the grave,” then sobriety of thoughts dissolves in relieved exhale, “finally everything will settle down.” The idealized partner, after a week or a month, suddenly forgets about his promises, and the “second circle of hell” begins. The lack of a sober and cool look at the situation when making a decision is fraught with at least new disappointment.
The emotional wounds received during the first divorce do not go away without a trace. Will you be able to step over them and live without even mentally remembering the pain that was caused to you? If not, then this problem will always stand between you.
Remarriage will not solve your past problems on its own. You will have to work very hard to correct past mistakes and, of course, prevent new ones.
If you broke up because of his mother (or another relative), remember - his mother did not disappear anywhere. She still can't stand you, and your husband is still her adored son.
His always scattered socks, for which you scolded him every evening, will not start jumping into the washing machine on their own - you will have to come to terms with his habits and accept him entirely with all the pros and cons. It is useless to re-educate an adult man even in his first marriage. And even more so if you do it again.
If he was a cheapskate and liked to have a drink or two at dinner, don't expect him to become a generous teetotaler.
During the time that passed after the divorce, you both got used to living by your own rules - solving problems on your own, making decisions, etc. He got used to walking around the apartment in the morning in his family shorts and smoking on an empty stomach, you got used to relaxing with your girlfriends in the evenings and not asking anyone no one has permission for anything. That is, you will have to either change your habits or adapt to each other, taking into account all the nuances.
It will be difficult to get used to each other again, given the big old “suitcase” of grievances and claims on each side.

Attempt No. 2, or The habit of marrying your ex

They say that you can’t return the past, but if you really want to... then you still can’t. However, once happy married couples try to reunite after a divorce and start over with a clean slate. How successful the second attempt can be is a question, but this trend is only gaining momentum from year to year.

For example, it came to Russia from the West, where celebrities have been getting married, getting divorced, getting married again and getting divorced again for a long time. Thus, the charming Pamela Anderson, who already has four marriages, remarried her third (and fourth) husband, television producer Rick Salomon. Their first marriage was unsuccessful and ended after just five months of marriage. It seemed that a painful divorce would be the fatal outcome of their family life, but seven years later the couple decided to try their luck a second time and exchanged rings again. This one is more successful.

In Russia, the most famous “return husband”, perhaps, was the actor Sergei Zhigunov, whose love story was followed by the whole country. Twenty years of a happy marriage were overshadowed by the young actress Anastasia Zavorotnyuk, with whom Zhigunov worked on the same set of a popular sitcom. Then all of Russia looked in fascination at their stormy film romance, which smoothly flowed into life. However, a few years later, the couple unexpectedly broke up, and the actor returned to his ex-wife.

You will learn about everything that is hidden behind the big word “divorce”, about what problems and joys can await on the path to freedom, and most importantly - how to avoid separation and maintain the “weather in the house” from the new series of MTRK “MIR”, the show of which will start on the 18th button this fall. Don't forget to turn on "automatic adjustment" of your TV and enjoy the new modified format of the MIR TV channel.

Psychologists note that such cases are not uncommon among celebrities and media figures. Their public life is replete with piquant details with departures and returns to each other. In part, this unusual trend is associated with the loss of reputation and, as a consequence, a certain decline in professional activity when divorcing one’s famous spouse.

In ordinary families, this tendency can be adopted unconsciously, thanks to a large number of stellar examples from the media. But psychologists warn that the difference between the return marriages of the powerful and those on the other side of the television screen is very great.

The main thing to remember is that remarriage is only possible if the family still has some unrealized potential. For stars, this potential may include success, fame and impressive finances, but in average marriages these aspects practically disappear. For this reason, family psychologists advise ending relationships that have completely exhausted themselves. Such a marriage is unlikely to lead the couple to a happy continuation of the marriage.

By the way, in Russia there are not so few people who want to return to the past by renewing the stamp in their passport. According to surveys, about 80% of divorced men agree to remarry their ex-wife. Women are a little more skeptical, and only 60% of ex-wives would allow remarriage. However, despite such impressive numbers, less than 20% of broken families get back together.

Psychologists note that this indicator is quite logical and reflects exactly the number of ex-wives and husbands who are ready to start a new family with an old partner. It was they who reached a state in which they mutually admitted the mistake they had made, which led to the divorce. Accordingly, their remarriage is nothing more than a kind of work on mistakes, where people who are already close to each other choose an alternative path for the development of their family.

Psychologists identify three main reasons for recurrent marriage:

1. Family habit. This is the case when both spouses are so accustomed to their marital roles that they are unable to change them with a new partner. Frankly speaking, this can simply include a reluctance to change the usual environment within oneself, because every new relationship always means a certain amount of stress in the search for a compromise. For this reason, for the usual comfort and convenience, sometimes both spouses are ready to put up with the already known and even habitual shortcomings of their partner.

2. Work on mistakes. As a rule, it is this reason that becomes the main one when exchanging rings again. Both husband and wife experienced the last divorce so deeply that they convinced themselves that they simply had to be together no matter what. This path may turn out to be either a happy future with a clean slate, or a more prosaic marriage with the same skeletons in the closet. The main thing that experts advise here is a full understanding of the reasons for divorce and eradication in a re-union.

3. Benefit for both parties. We have already mentioned how beneficial return marriages are for celebrities. This reason is much less suitable for ordinary families, but there are also happy unions that can find a compromise between fatigue and the thirst for unrealized potential. For example, if ex-spouses are connected not only by love, but also by financial or business relationships, then they have a much greater chance of a successful second attempt.

The main advice to spouses who have decided on a return marriage is quite prosaic, but effective: do not bring back the past, but create the future. Otherwise, you risk returning to your usual home and facing the same problems in everyday life and communication that destroyed your family.

When we lose a loved one, we inevitably begin to forget all his disadvantages, idealizing him so much that we are ready to shout “Come back, I will forgive everything!” This is the main strategic mistake that cannot be made by either side.

“Don't try to bring back the past. On the contrary, try to build a completely new relationship with your ex-partner. The main thing to remember is that you only have one chance. If it doesn’t work out the first time, then the relationship with your ex-spouse should be ended forever. This will not lead to anything promising, and most importantly, happy for both,” says family psychologist Andrei Ponomarev.

Psychologists note that some families are so carried away by “divorce relations” that they resolve every, even minor, conflict by escaping to the registry office.

“The point here is mainly in the peculiarities of the psyche of these people. With their actions, they often evoke an ironic, mocking attitude from those around them, while they themselves are usually distinguished by unstable guidelines, weakness of will, lack of restraint in the manifestation of emotions and feelings, disorder in the organization of life and housekeeping.”

– from the book by Valentina Tseluiko “Matrimonial shooting with a fatal outcome. How to save a relationship and is it worth doing?”

In this case, the spouses, accustomed to their dynamic weddings and divorces, can hurt a third party who is not at all involved in conflicts and truces.

Of course, we are talking about children, for whom such family dramas can be very painful. Many family specialists believe that return marriage simply interferes with the harmonious development of the child’s psyche, killing the correct picture of the family. Subsequently, an adult child can also treat his marriage playfully, even though this path is not internally close to him. However, there are also psychologists who see positive sides. In their opinion, this stimulates the rapid development of the baby, literally forcing him from an early age to understand the intricacies of family life, its strength and fragility at the same time.

When studying this issue, experts identified several fundamentally important factors by which one can determine how positive or negative the child’s reaction to the second marriage of his parents will be.

Firstly, this is the age of the child. Parents should remember that it is easiest for children under the age of 9-10 to accept a new marriage, and the most difficult for teenagers. This is due to the fact that the gradual development of a child’s personality entails his own vision of his family, as well as an understanding of its stability. If a teenager does not observe this, then the reaction can be very unpredictable.

Secondly, the gender of the child. Psychologists have noted that girls, in any case, adapt less well to a new marriage. Boys are a little less susceptible to the weather in the house, so it will be easier for them to accept the new format of the relationship between father and mother. To do this, experts advise presenting the marriage news differently to your son and daughter.

Thirdly, the history of the family itself. There are no strict boundaries in the relationship between spouses. In this case, the child’s reaction depends mainly on how the former mother and father communicated with each other during the divorce. If the divorce itself was a formality and did not interfere with meetings between father, mother and child, then the child’s adaptation will be easier. But if the divorce was a period without any communication between the parties, then getting used to a new marriage will be more difficult.

And most importantly, the personality of the child himself is of great importance. His attitude towards family ups and downs also varies depending on his temperament and level of sensitivity.

In general, psychologists say that the child’s personality is also important for answering the main question - is it worth getting married again? After all, no matter what, the child senses the atmosphere in the house very well and can understand how sincere the parents’ desire to exchange rings again is. It may turn out that a new family with a former spouse is nothing more than a fear of the future or simply an attempt to delay the past.

Ekaterina Kovaleva

I'm marrying my ex-husband - how to build happiness in a new way and avoid old mistakes?

The strength of a remarriage will depend on the sincerity of everyone, on a clear understanding of the problems and on the strength of the desire to be together in spite of everything. To avoid mistakes and build truly strong relationships, you should remember the main things:

The first and key is the motive of reunion. Understand yourself and the reasons that are truly decisive for you when making a decision. Lonely at night, not enough money, no one to fix the faucet and nail down the shelves - these are the reasons that will form the basis of another path to nowhere.
Remember, you only have one chance - to start life again . If you are ready to forget and forgive everything, if you are ready to build relationships taking into account mistakes - go for it. If in doubt, don’t dive headfirst into the pool, first understand yourself.
Start everything from scratch , crossing out all grievances and immediately clarifying all controversial issues among yourself.
Before you remarry, give each other some sweet time. Already in it a lot will become clearer for you.
If during the “candy” period you feel that your spouse is returning to what caused the divorce, consider this a signal to end the relationship.
When making a decision, remember that it will be doubly difficult for your children to survive your second divorce . If you are not confident in the reliability and stability of a relationship, do not start one and do not give your children empty hope. Let divorce become a one-time action, and not a “swing” on which your children will finally lose faith in you and family unity, as well as their psychological balance.
Do you want grievances and problems to remain in the past? Both work on yourself. Forget about mutual reproaches, don’t remind each other of the past, don’t rub salt on old wounds - build a new life, brick by brick, on mutual trust, respect and love.

Reasons for divorce and prospects for remarriage

"Did not get along"

Behind the bustle of everyday life and petty quarrels, we often do not realize how dear our partner is to us.
And only in separation our eyes open. In this situation, divorce plays the role of a radical catalyst that helps us understand where we were wrong. If your divorce occurred due to youth and ardor, your chances of renewing the relationship are quite high. Just first analyze the reasons for the separation together in order to understand what mistakes you will have to avoid in the future.

"For family reasons"

Often the baggage of a long family life is fatigue and irritation.
Then the accumulated negativity from grievances grows like a snowball. Naturally, the ideal way to take a break from each other seems to be a divorce, which can happen, as they say, out of the blue. Particularly critical moments for a family are 1 year, 3 years, 7 years, etc. In this situation, your remarriage may also be successful. But be sure to develop a new “relationship code” by discussing everything that worries you and finding compromises.

"Third wheel"

If the reason for the breakup was betrayal, then everything is much more complicated.
In such a situation, it is simply impossible to give any specific recommendations. Either you have the strength to forgive him for his “ex-lover”, or pride and dignity outweigh.

If you cheated, then you should know that the wounds after such a betrayal among representatives of the stronger sex may never heal. This is how you will live - one partner will constantly feel guilty and make excuses, and the other will reproach you with or without reason.

Dagirova Lidiya · 12 Dec, 2017

Second marriages - psychology

Youth is a time for madly falling in love and building relationships in which the other half is seen as ideal, beautiful in everything. Often falling in love is mistaken for love and first marriages are concluded on the impulse of feelings; some experts call them student marriages. Such unions do not last long and the divorce rate is very high. To decide on a second marriage after a divorce, it takes time and awareness of readiness for a new relationship.

According to statistics, more men enter into second marriages (up to 70%), women after 35 years of age find it difficult to find a chosen one, so many of them are single, and only 30% remarry. Relationships in a second marriage often repeat the scenario of the first marriage, if the man and woman did not realize all the mistakes and disagreements that were made in the previous relationship, but it can be quite the opposite.

Moshe and Tzipporah

The story of such a remarriage is described in the book of Shemot: “And Yitro heard... about all that the Most High had done for Moshe... And Yitro took Zipporah, Moshe’s wife, after she had been sent away” ( Shemot 18:1-2

Rabbi Abraham Yehoshua Heschel (chief rabbi of Krakow, Poland, 1595-1663) comments on these lines as follows. If we go back a little and look at what events preceded this marriage, we will see that at the burning bush the Creator entrusted Moshe with a mission - to gather the Jews, unite them and lead them out of Egypt.

But Moshe suddenly declared: “Send through whom you are sending.” Rashi explains: “ With the one You usually send.
And this is Aaron
. "

These words aroused the wrath of the Almighty (4:14

), and Moshe was stripped of
his kohen
.
Instead, Aaron received the priesthood (Midrash Rabbah on the book of Shemot, chapter 3
).

So Moshe sent his wife away (that is, divorced her). After some time, the Almighty deprived him of his kohen status. Hearing that his former son-in-law is no longer a Kohen

, Yitro realized that he could now return Tzipporah to him - and so Moshe married her again.