How to overcome disappointment in a man? Psychologist's advice

What is disappointment?

CONTENT:

Women tend to think and fantasize a lot. Disappointment is unjustified hopes, unfulfilled desires, which in psychology are called frustration. The emergence of dissatisfaction with a partner leads to resentment, despair, and stressful conditions, which negatively affect health.

Love and disappointment are two opposite concepts. The first is based on confidence, reliability, the second occurs after a man fails to perform the expected actions. Since the female half tends to idealize their partner, grievances are not always justified.

— Consequences of disappointment in chosen ones

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Do you believe in true love? Few adult women, much less men, will sincerely and seriously answer “yes.” This question is more likely to be discussed by teenagers, boys and girls who are just beginning to build their relationships with the opposite sex. With faith in mutual love, they go in search of their personal and family happiness, but everything does not happen as they fantasized, so instead of love comes disappointment, and they decide that it is too naive and childish to believe in love, which in fact “This only happens in the movies.”

It would seem that what’s wrong with this, naive dreams collapsed into sober reality, this is how a person grows up... But at the same time, some strange emptiness settles in the young soul, as if something important is missing...

Loving and being loved is one of the most important and basic human needs. Why then do we so often see people who voluntarily refuse to believe and look for their love and become disappointed in love?

Disappointment in love can be associated with very strong and painful feelings. Often a person tries to hide even the fact of disappointment in order to protect himself from these experiences. And then from the outside, disappointment can be judged only by indirect signs - a dull look, isolation, cynical jokes, a wry smile or irritation at the mention of tenderness and love, the desire to always act wisely and prudently, and not succumb to “stupid” feelings.

To maintain their peace of mind, such people are ready to peck at any “naive fool” looking for love, just to protect themselves from memories of their own pain. Men especially love to put on such a mask - a stern cynic who has known everything and does not believe in anything. For women, there are also corresponding roles - seasoned aunts who know life and men - bastards, for example.

When we find out that the person we loved is not what we thought, when the fantasies about our future together are destroyed, we are faced with betrayal, betrayal, deceit, too many painful feelings engulf us. Resentment, indignation, sadness of loss - all this is very difficult to bear, so disappointment comes to ease our feelings.

Disappointment simply removes the aura of charm (dis-charm), attractiveness from the object of our desire, and thus helps to cope with painful feelings. This is a defense mechanism that helps us redirect the energy of our love to someone else who can give us love in return.

Hoping for mutual love, we become very vulnerable, because we expect to be accepted exactly as we are, revealing the most secret corners of our soul. At the risk of not receiving reciprocal love, we risk not only making a mistake in another person, but at the same time risking our self-esteem - what if I’m somehow different, what if I’m not worthy of love?

The inner core, belief in oneself, in one’s “worthiness”, “I am good” - this is the basis of personality, which is laid in childhood. Often parents do not understand the importance of this or, for some other reason, cannot give their child enough unconditional love to form this basic sense of self-worth and worth. And then the collapse of love is perceived not just as our mistake or an incorrect perception of another person, but becomes a threat to the integrity of our personality - I was rejected, which means that there really is something wrong with me.

If failure in love threatens our core self-esteem and our image of ourselves as “good” and “lovable” – it may be too dangerous to happen again. Then disappointment protects us from any actions in the sphere of love relationships: “don’t go there, it will snow on your head, it will hurt.” Thus, the mechanism of disappointment, which was supposed to protect us from pain, becomes an obstacle, blocks our need for love.

The main danger of staying in such a position “protected” by disappointment is that we stop moving towards what is really important to us. Charm, falling in love is a state that gives inspiration, elevates and inspires. (In Sufism, for example, falling in love is a symbol of the state of searching for truth, the spiritual path of a Sufi). Therefore, disappointment in love manifests itself in lethargy, apathy, lack of interest in life, and lack of energy as such.

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The main reasons for female disappointment

Frustration is not an immediate feeling; it is a consequence of accumulated grievances, unfulfilled hopes, and discontent. Having overflowed the cup of patience, emotions burst out into scandals, leading to the emergence of anger and hatred.

Factors causing disappointment:

1. Verbiage. Men know how to speak beautifully and compliment women. For half of the male population, words do not match deeds. Only strong-willed people can carry out what is said.
2. Betrayal. An action can cause the strongest disappointment, resentment, and hatred. In half the cases, the woman becomes the culprit of this behavior, but sometimes the reason for betrayal is the man’s weakness, the desire to escape from problems.
3. Weakness. Financial and life problems visit every family. A woman can be disappointed by a man who verbally demonstrated his strength and ability to deal with obstacles, but in practice turned out to be weak, feeling sorry for himself while sitting at home and folding his arms.
4. Lie. Only a few can speak the truth. Concealing part of the current state of affairs for the benefit of the relationship and unjustified deception of the other half are two different things. The second leads to loss of trust and frustration.
5. Marital infidelity. The appearance of a mistress often becomes the cause of divorce. More than a third of married couples have divorced because of this. Marital infidelity leads to deep resentment and anger.
6. Indifference. Often, romantic relationships are “eaten up” by everyday life, turning daily living together into a difficult routine. Both spouses are required to support the family home.
7. Assault. Tenderness and affection from a man can be replaced by regular beatings. Attempts to give a second chance do not yield results. Only weak-willed representatives of the stronger half of society raise their hands against women.
8. Infantility. The gradual transformation of a courageous, self-confident guy into a “mother’s son”, shifting responsibility onto women’s shoulders leads to disappointment.

Is there love without disappointment?

Disappointment is the result of learning about the world around us and the destruction of children's fantasies. They inevitably come across on the way, but your future depends on their perception. Will you survive it and move on or will you drown in the swamp of destructive stagnation? Everyone makes a choice for themselves.

If you decide to turn on the defense mechanism of indifference to love, remember that it will not last long. The shell will gradually collapse, and you will again experience disappointment in love. If the experience gained is not learned, the person will repeat his mistakes again and again plunge into despondency.

It can be argued that disappointment in love is a consequence of the gullibility of nature. If you replace it with mistrust, there will be no disappointment. This idea entails the undermining of the basic features of human nature - trust in people.

What to do?

A woman needs to know that disappointment causes the development of stressful conditions, apathy, anxiety, and decreased self-esteem. All these negative feelings have a bad impact on your overall health; wrinkles and dark circles appear under the eyes.

To survive frustration and begin to enjoy the little things, psychologists recommend adhering to the following rules:

1. Think about the problem. It is not recommended to fall into a panic state until the causes of the situation are discovered. Psychologists strongly advise that you first study the problem, look for reasons for overcoming it yourself, or consult with a loved one.
2. Get rid of emotions. Accumulating anger and resentment is fraught with a huge scandal and a loud break in relationships. You can avoid such consequences if you find a good way to release negative emotions. Physical activity helps well - fitness, morning jogging, gymnastics.
3. Idealization of a man. Every person has disadvantages, regardless of gender, race, or age. You cannot make your partner ideal, because if the relationship breaks up it will be very difficult.
4. Sincere conversation. A good habit of happy families, which helps eliminate misunderstandings and problems. By talking to each other, people find solutions to many problems, because they think about them together, and not alone.
5. Compromise. Both spouses must give in, then problems will be resolved amicably, and the family will become stronger. You need to learn to find a middle ground in relationships at the very beginning, so that family ties and the birth of a child do not become a burden.
6. Self-love. Selfless love for a partner is good, but you cannot deify him. A woman must love herself, her appearance, her body, and then she can easily endure even parting with a man, stress and depression will bypass her.

Family life is not a continuous holiday

Family life really doesn’t exist without some of these not-so-pleasant moments. There will always be some obstacles and stages along the way in family life and you need to learn how to somehow get through them. A person cannot live up to all your expectations. He may make mistakes, take the wrong steps, forget what is important to you, somewhere get tired of the fact that he needs to correspond to you. He may quarrel with you, punish you with silence, and sometimes not understand you at all.

Most often, women find themselves in a state of frustration (when feelings are deceived due to a discrepancy between desires and capabilities). Especially after they get married. They naively believe that their husband will “always carry them in his arms.”

“Gray everyday life” sets in, nothing like this happens. It’s just that the husband first forgot the date of the wedding anniversary, then the mother-in-law’s birthday, then he forgot to buy flowers, then something else. Discontent accumulates, which then turns into disappointment.

What should you do in this situation to overcome disappointment? You won't change your life partner all the time, will you? This means we need to look for ways to somehow overcome disappointment. But how?

Advice . Always tell yourself that a man doesn't have to meet all your expectations. He is who he is. And when you married him, he was the same. Nothing changed. Therefore, in quarrels, tell yourself: “Do I want to be right OR happy?” And sit down at the negotiating table, discuss, come to an agreement. Just don't be silent!

Since disappointment is always accompanied by very strong stress, you should not give in to despair, otherwise you can cause irreparable harm to your health, because stress transforms into depression.

What are the main reasons a woman may be disappointed in a man?

Disappointment or loss of feelings?

Having thought in detail about the offending problem, a woman can decide whether it is worth maintaining a relationship with a man or whether there is no point in reviving a faded love. Painful recovery of feelings occurs in the following situations:

1. Constant irritation. A man who evokes negative emotions even in a calm state should be completely removed from life, since such relationships are unhealthy.
2. Attempts to escape. If being near a subject makes you want to go outside, go to bed early, or avoid talking in every possible way, then the person himself is causing irritation.
3. Rude jokes. The escalation of innocent, previously funny phrases into attempts to be rude and to hook someone “live” indicates a loss of respect and trust. Psychologists do not recommend resuscitating feelings.
4. Reluctance to have intimacy. Loving men and women should want each other, this is a normal development of events. If intimacy causes disgust, then this is a clear signal to end the relationship.
5. Lack of trust. Constantly checking phones, pockets, and things for foreign objects is a sign of mistrust. Rebuilding trust is difficult, but possible.
6. Scandalous discussion of problems. If attempts to talk, talk about business, or complain about the appearance of an obstacle lead to irritation, quarrels, and resentment, then it is recommended to break off the relationship.
7. The daily life of a man is not interesting. Loving women tend to be interested in their partner's past day, his mood, and health. When a man ceases to be attractive, it becomes difficult to recognize daily hassles.
8. Reluctance to compromise. Mutual concessions help keep the family strong; when both spouses begin to defend their position exclusively, the warmth of the relationship is lost.
9. There is no fear of losing. If numerous thoughts about separation do not cause fear, independent life seems much better, freedom from a man makes you want to fight, then there is no point in reviving feelings.
10. The mood deteriorates with the arrival of a man. This is a psychological problem that arises due to a number of negative factors.

Disappointments from past relationships. High expectations from relationships. Are all men assholes? Satya Das

It’s not easy to overcome disappointment in a man, but relying on the advice given by experienced psychologists, you can significantly reduce the negative consequences. Self-love, searching for compromise solutions, carefully thinking through problems and introducing the custom of discussing situations will lead to a stronger family.

Disappointment in a loved one: “Fool” and “monster”

So differently the spouses see and, accordingly, experience the tragic event that took place. The anal-visual Irina has experienced severe stress, the properties of her visual vector are in a state of fear, hence her hysterical state. Of course, she not only suffered as a result of the accident, but also caused harm to the health of another person. For a visual woman this is intolerable, because for her life is the highest value. This also adds a feeling of guilt in the anal vector. It turns out such a “cocktail” of fear and guilt, flavored with strong emotions, the ability to color her fantasies with bright colors, that Irina is ready to give everything she has just to get rid of this nightmare. Therefore, her disappointment in her husband is natural, because he does not agree to sell the apartment, she perceives him as an insensitive monster, because he does not want to save her from suffering. Sergei, a person with the skin vector, is not capable of experiencing such vivid emotions himself and therefore does not understand his wife’s condition. He is a person with a sound rational mind, very down to earth, guided in life by such concepts as benefit and benefit. That's why he works on the car instead of sitting next to his injured wife, because it doesn't do anyone any good! The demands of his wife, who is under stress and therefore has lost the ability to think sensibly, seem completely insane to him. Of course, he is not the monster that Irina sees in her condition. Sergei consistently solves pressing problems, including finding a lawyer to alleviate the plight of his wife. However, he is not capable of making material sacrifices, in the form of selling an apartment. He does not understand how one can be guided by feelings in such important matters where material well-being is affected. This is not logical, therefore, it has no right to exist! Therefore, he also experiences disappointment in his loved one. Finding themselves in a difficult situation for both, the spouses stopped understanding each other, moreover, they became disappointed in each other. Each of them decided that he had seen the true face of the other, and was horrified.

The most important goal is to get married

Women want to marry their chosen one so much that they do not notice many factors. Only after the wedding do they begin to face the truth. By the way, everything turned out to be not as rosy and wonderful as we wanted and imagined. However, the point is not that there were no problems before, but suddenly a huge crack appeared in the relationship. In fact, for the girls, the most important goal was to create a strong family and get married, so they did not notice all the pitfalls.

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You can give a trivial example with a bag: a woman wanted to buy this item so much, but could not afford it, but, in the end, she got what she wanted. In general, the path to purchase can be thorny and foggy, because after many years the purchased bag may not be needed, but once upon a time you really wanted to get it. We can come to the conclusion that it is not the bag that becomes more valuable to people, but the feeling of the value of the thing that once owned us. The same analogy can be drawn with a stamp in a passport, since women got what they wanted and now believe that this is the right moment to sort out difficulties.

Why women are disappointed in men and marriage

Everyone goes down the aisle differently. Some come out because they are young, just to escape from their parents’ house, others because they are too old. Both of them often have no time for choice - what was, was. It’s good if you’re lucky, and at least the guy won’t drink and beat you, but thanks for that. You hardly look at character, nor at development. Some people have hormones, the sex is good and that’s okay. But gradually the children grow up, the woman matures and realizes that she chose the wrong one. That she is bored with him, that he knows little and not only does not caress, but also does not give gifts. And there are suitors around, one is better than the other, and so the running in a circle begins. Should I leave or stay? Or maybe it's not worth the risk?

Why women are disappointed:

• They expected one thing, but they get another. It’s difficult and late to re-educate, and sometimes it’s scary to leave.
• They don’t receive help around the house, they don’t see money, and they are already fed up with the constant need and family burden.
• A man does not develop, he stands still, but a woman can make a huge leap in development and gets tired of pulling her partner along with her. She is bored, not interested, she doesn’t see the point in living like this.
• For some, on the contrary, the husband makes a brilliant career. He has no time, and although the house is full, she does not see him nearby. Not all ladies can occupy themselves and complaints begin. Here even money will not save the situation if a person does not know how to live alone and solve problems himself.

Of course, a lot depends on each person in the couple. What he expects from marriage, how he sees his partner. This is why second and third marriages are so popular, in which people are already adults and know what they want. Now all the complaints have settled down, all the needs have been heard and people are simply happy and enjoying each other.

A lot in a relationship depends on the availability of housing. If it exists, even if it’s small, then it’s easier. Some people are annoyed by financial problems. They don’t end and fall like a snowball. Children can also be a source of contention. Alas, not everyone loves children and is not at all eager to work with them. People don’t like the appearance of their significant other and are tormented by everyday problems that are difficult to solve. So, repairs not done on time and damaged household appliances will sooner or later lead to divorce. What did you think?

Sex and its absence, bad habits that people don’t want to put up with. Treason and reproaches for every purchase made. Poor housekeeping and lack of time for each other can also cause separation. Everyone has their own complaints, some have a whole bunch of them.

Time passes, a person does not change, fatigue accumulates. And when a person meets someone with whom he feels good, he gives up everything. And here everything depends on the circumstances, some are lucky, others not so much. Sometimes a person becomes so disappointed in men that he no longer strives for a new marriage. It's easier for him to take care of himself.