Psychology of a happy family life: why do women get tired of marriage and how to correct the situation?

Tired of marriage and husband: what is the reason?

Before marriage, the fairer sex develops a positive opinion about family life, which is caused by a positive reaction to the actions of their partner.
Moreover, this is also true for those couples who begin to conflict before marriage. Meetings, one-on-one conversations, walks together, living together in a civil union - everything is part of the process that shapes the future family.

Initially, the couple is absolutely compatible, as they try to complement each other’s feelings and emotions. The main thing is that the relationship maintains the proper level of internal comfort.

For example, a woman perceives her partner’s detachment in solving pressing problems as a manifestation of fundamental reliability. And the man experiences absolute satisfaction, believing that his temperament completely suits her.

Such a wife usually tries to take care of her husband, taking on most of the responsibility.

And when children are born, the woman, as her preoccupation with business increases, begins to look at the world differently: her husband’s behavior no longer seems correct to her.

This creates a conflict of interest, which often develops into quarrels and functional discord within the family.

You should take a closer look at your partner’s character at the beginning of your journey in order to avoid unpleasant surprises in the future.

Tired of my husband.

Girls, when you initiated the divorce, how did you tell your husband that you wanted to leave?

I see that with my husband my dreams will never come true.

I married him very quickly, he really drove me there, I gave up, I was still thinking how lucky I was, such a persistent guy, others have been waiting for proposals for years. He also quickly practically made a decision about the child himself; in one quarrel, his words slipped through that with the child I would definitely not get away from him.

The main problem is that he doesn’t earn money, we are in the region and his salary is 35 thousand, and he has a terrible inconvenient schedule, often on business trips for several days or a month, and after business trips he sits at home for several days, I said, “go at least informally and find something else,” No, he has a bad back, by the way, if he gets sick, he almost always goes on sick leave. In connection with this schedule, in the future, when the child goes to kindergarten in September, I will not be able to get a paid job, only from 8 to 17, so that if something happens, I will be able to pick up the child from the kindergarten. I'm tired of such lack of money. They also took out a mortgage in a house that I no longer liked, a dark apartment, the trash bin was moved to our yard and the view from the windows is now of a trash bin. Another 11 years of paying and surviving on bread and water, to all my words, there is only one thing - just be patient, soon you will go to work, it will become easier, then we will pay off the mortgage even easier. Crap! But I don’t want to live later, I want to live here and now. I dreamed of a normal apartment and two children in the future. But how to give birth to a second one with him!

If we were on maternity leave, we even went with the child to live with my parents for a month, since we had almost a month until salary, and there were 10 thousand rubles left, since the child was sick and we spent a lot on medicine, then I also began to get sick more often. But it didn't bother him at all. The salary came and he came for us.

In everyday life, it doesn’t change at all, you almost have to beg to wash up after yourself, clean up, but I’m sitting at home and I have to do it. He's making money! And now I get 50 rubles! I would work remotely, but with a two-year-old it’s unrealistic. There are a lot of selfish situations on his part.

Yesterday we went to the clinic for a professional examination, I was sick, dinner was with him, in the end at 20.00 I remind him about dinner, he is “now” and sitting playing on the computer, it’s 20.40 I already need to feed the baby, naturally dinner is not ready, I’ve already cut it down and prepared it for when I need to put the baby to bed. I usually go to bed and go to bed before 22.00, he ate alone. I ate at 22.00. Moreover, I said more than once that I didn’t want to eat so late. And so privately, it’s not a family dinner, but he eats alone, while he’s had enough of playing, I’ll prepare everything, wait for him, he’s “now.” Accordingly, I eat alone, and he comes later. Tired of it.

He also practically doesn’t go out with us, he says he’s homely and doesn’t like the street and the cold, even if I go somewhere alone, he constantly calls, and then you point out where I’m hanging around.

Sex is not going well. The last time, when the first one came to him, his words “if you want, do everything yourself,” I left. But when he needs it, he needs it.

Moreover, he constantly claims that if I leave he will not give me the child, he will not let me go, he loves me and cannot imagine life without me. I don't know if I love him or not. I'm just tired of him. How to say that I want to live alone with a child? What a lucky argument to bring.

All my relatives consider me mercantile, the guy is a good homeboy, and I have all the money... With him I won’t have an uncertain life, no travel (by the way, I’ve never been to the sea), or two children. If I now deny myself everything, what will happen next..

Emotional fatigue as a reason for divorce

No one wants to enter into an alliance based on possible life difficulties and negative consequences.
Before getting married, a girl does not look for insurmountable problems; everything seems simple and feasible. But this condition passes very quickly. Fatigue from marriage can occur as early as the second year of marriage .

At the beginning, these are only symptomatic manifestations in the form of short periods of passivity and irritability.

With each subsequent year, if no action is taken, a clear and consistent reaction to the partner’s actions is formed, like a conditioned reflex.

The following example shows how fatigue develops. A year ago, the girl bought herself a beautiful dress that she really liked. She wore it for her wedding anniversary, meeting with friends, and walking around the city in the evening.

And after some time, faced with the choice of “what to wear,” she suddenly realizes that the dress is no longer as good as it was at the beginning, she is simply tired of wearing it.

It’s the same in family relationships: everything that the partner previously took for granted can become an irritant for her. There are many reasons for this: regular child care, troubles at work, frequent stress, headaches and irresponsibility of the husband.

When a woman is often tired, and her partner does not want to help her with everyday things or at least provide moral support, divorce becomes the only way out of this situation.

Negotiate to save the relationship

Tired spouses need to talk. Choose a time for this when there are no distractions, sit opposite each other and talk about your feelings. And then agree on how to live, come up with new rules.

Vanya explains his feelings and offers a way out of the situation: “I’m tired of such responsibility, I constantly feel depressed and I’m afraid to change a job that I don’t like. I understand that we agreed that you would be a housewife. But now I want you to go to work too. This way I will feel calmer.”

Masha talks about her problems and offers a solution: “I feel lonely and unnecessary. Children take up all my time, I have completely lost myself. We agreed that we would do without nannies and a kindergarten, but now I understand that this is not possible. I would like you to get involved in household chores and spend more time with the children.”

You can negotiate about everything: work, hobbies, time with family, responsibility and personal boundaries. If spouses value each other, they will try to rebuild the relationship to meet new needs.

To make the conversation work, you need to talk about yourself and your emotions through I-messages and try to avoid accusations:

It happens that one of the spouses does not want to accept new agreements. If a compromise cannot be found, you will have to leave the relationship and look for new ones.

How to revive cooled feelings?

In addition to falling in love and passionate relationships, marriage also has negative sides.

To overcome natural difficulties and at the same time gain a positive experience, you need to know some of the features of saving your personal life and restoring relationships in the key of mutual respect:

• share your emotions . Memories have been serving humans for many millennia to receive and accumulate knowledge. Sometimes they can be used to gain peace of mind and inspire creative inspiration. Any feeling that is forever remembered as a positive emotion is considered an anchor for the family ship. This could be a first date, a bright kiss or a sudden meeting;
• diversity in marriage is the key to family happiness. You should not focus too much attention on cleaning, cooking, washing, and various household details. Any attempt to make life more interesting will come in handy. These are well-known actions: an evening date, gifts, fresh flowers or coffee in bed, trips abroad;
• thank each other for who you are, not who you want to be . Man is not an ideal being. Each has its own flaws and shortcomings. Many habits become very annoying already in the second year of life, but you can put up with them too. The main thing is to determine the most important aspects of the relationship so that minor behavioral factors do not affect life together;
• figure out why you need each other . As a person grows up, he begins to understand why he changes every day, and what prompted him to do this. Perhaps the reason for the changes was the connection with the partner, but life will judge whether this is good or bad.

A marriage union is a unit of society in which, for the benefit of the cause, one should take care of each other with the help of well-established means of communication.

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Tired of the child: what to do?

Sometimes the situation is aggravated by “traumatized” needs.

“Olya, again you’re talking about your psychoanalysis!” - I hear your moans. Yes, again!

There is such a cunning thing in our unconscious. Contact with a baby requires us to be an adult, but at the same time awakens a childish state . And then the question is who copes with their own vulnerability.

If you did not receive enough support in your own childhood, then this “wounded” state will definitely awaken to life, and you will feel as if the child is big and you are small. It’s as if the child is attacking you, “depriving” you of something, again and again making you feel with him now as you did then with your parents - an insecure, scared child.

For example, one of my clients complained to me that when her child acts up after school, she gets very upset and angry. This makes her feel like the day is in vain and she gets very tired. In the evening I am simply exhausted by these whims.

It seems that everything is simple: “the child is to blame,” “it gets on mom’s nerves.”

But we began to figure out what exactly is so upsetting and angry? After all, whims after school are quite natural - the child is overexcited and tired.

We found out that deep down, his mother does not want to take him out of school. In fact, she is tired and wants to do her own thing. But he experiences a deep sense of guilt and shame for his desires.

To feel less guilty and more good, she builds vicarious expectations from the child. She expects that she will pick him up from school, that he will be glad to see her (so she will receive at least a little compensation for her discomfort), and they will have a great walk, which will give her a feeling of “duty accomplished” and allow her to check the internal box: “I am a good mother.” ”!

The whole scheme breaks down at the child's first whimper. But, not noticing that “my needs lie on a different plane, and I do nothing to satisfy them,” the mother loses a huge amount of mental strength, trying to replace them with the role of a good mother.

This happens to everyone who does not hear themselves . By ignoring our real desires, we become a little lifeless, tired, apathetic and embittered.

Of course, motherhood is such that we do not always have the opportunity to satisfy our desires every moment. Otherwise, we ourselves would turn into children and cease to be adults.

The point is that just being aware of my needs as they are and being accountable to myself about the choices I make reduces fatigue. We just understand that we will be able to satisfy these needs a little later, when the situation is more conducive to this.

How to help yourself if the cause of fatigue is dissatisfaction? Self-support technique

If you have discovered your needs, if you have managed to realize what is truly important to you - for example, “I want to be heard”, “I want to be important”, “I want to be loved” - it is important to look for a way to satisfy them or, if this is not possible , at least support yourself, treat yourself with understanding.

Support and self-support work wonders!

How can I do that?

Let's remember what good, warm, supportive parents do towards their children?

Usually they take them in their arms , talk through what upset them, and find words of support and approval.

Essentially, when we feel bad, we plunge into this sad childish state, when it is so important that someone takes you in their arms .

The only trouble is that not every child has had experience communicating with such parents. In this case, we can “pull ourselves together”, making up for the accumulated lack of support. But the problem is that without sufficient external experience, it is quite difficult to do this.

Realizing how important this is, I asked myself: is it possible to somehow complete the work that the parents of mothers who are burnt out and tired of their motherhood did not do? I started looking for a way out, how can I help many women at once feel a little more good, important and understood?

I went through formats for a long time until I found one that would help many at once!

This is how my private Club Mamaschool Cafe - an online space where every mother can feel like she has been taken into her arms.

How does it work? We have a private Instagram account, which you can access by purchasing a monthly subscription, which is several times cheaper than even one hour of work with a psychologist.

Every week the Club hosts the #handcuffs section . This means that every mother can write about how she feels now. About what upsets her, worries her, causes fatigue, anger or pain. In response, I share words of encouragement, a story, help the woman understand what is happening to her, ask a question that will help her see the situation from a different angle, or simply express sympathy.

The results of this work are impressive!

Just a few minutes of such healing and respectful contact changes the way a mother feels, gives her a feeling of being needed, brings tears, sometimes laughter, but always a little more strength in her difficult daily routine life.

Here are just a few responses to this work!

“The very presence of the #handcuffs section really helps, even if you don’t need your hands, you know that they are there))) Olya, thank you so much for this magical place of ours, for this warmth and support.”

“It was when I came to the Club that I found the support I was looking for! At first I cried a lot (it was so touching), now I’m confidently working on myself. The atmosphere of the Club is incredible, and Olya’s support is priceless, better than a mother or any friend. It’s so cozy and safe there that you easily open up and begin to explore more and more new things about yourself.”

“Being in the Club, I know that I am not alone, you will always support with a sensitive word and give recommendations.”

If you feel a lack of support from your loved ones and understand that you do not have enough resources to cope on your own, join my closed Mamaschool Cafe Club. You are always welcome there! There is no place for condemnation, mockery, or criticism.

This is a special space where moms can overcome isolation, feel like they are not alone and receive my daily care and support. Join: